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Coercive controlling behavior

(33 Posts)
Vickyglitz Mon 19-Aug-19 09:40:23

Has anyone had success getting their husband put away for coercive / controlling behavior which is a criminal offense in the UK?

My husband is refusing to let me take my daughter to a play date with my friend and her kid because he had a fight with her and doesn't like her. He doesn't let me speak to her. He's fired our cleaner even though we can afford it because he says I can clean as I don't do shit at home anyway. I work full time as a lawyer and have a child and we need the help.

He is always calling me names, calling me a whore and swine and threatening to not allow me to take my daughter abroad to see her grandparents (my parents).

I don't have written evidence of any of this because who would? It happens day to day.

OP’s posts: |
7yo7yo Mon 19-Aug-19 09:41:30

Don’t try and label this shit.
He’s just abusive.

7yo7yo Mon 19-Aug-19 09:41:46

Posted too soon.
Get help and get out.

Vickyglitz Mon 19-Aug-19 10:02:16

I want him to go to prison for this. It's a criminal offense.

OP’s posts: |
FinallyHere Mon 19-Aug-19 10:53:49

Is one place to start. Good luck.

NotBeingRobbed Mon 19-Aug-19 11:36:35

Just leave him. Might be the easiest way out.

Footle Mon 19-Aug-19 11:51:02

The fact that you're a lawyer doesn't mean you don't need to consult one. He sounds vile.

justbeingadad Mon 19-Aug-19 12:08:45

As a man, I'd suggest you get out while the going is "relatively" good. If he's not being violent now, it may only be a matter of time until he is if you continue to (rightly so) push back. As much as I'd love to see him go to jail for this, I would think it's going to be a very long and dirty road to get there and if you can leave and start a new life without him and with your daughter this might be the lesser of two evils. Sadly due to Innocent until Proven Guilty, in these situations, it seems to mean always innocent.

No child needs a man like that in their life.

cakeandchampagne Mon 19-Aug-19 12:12:41

You are a lawyer and you have no idea how to handle this?

Vickyglitz Mon 19-Aug-19 12:28:38

@cakeandchampagne I am a lawyer but I am also a wife and a mother who doesn't want to break up her family. I am not a family lawyer and although I have some knowledge on how to build a case about this, I wanted to hear other's experiences where they have been successful building a case. Please don't judge me. I am great at my job but my job is in a different field.

OP’s posts: |
Vickyglitz Mon 19-Aug-19 12:30:22

And also, I just want our cleaner back but I don't really know if he can prevent her from entering. He says if she tries to come in he will call the police and insult her and make her go away. That is ridiculous. We have joint ownership of the house and I am allowed to have a cleaner but I don't know if he can stop her doing her job.

OP’s posts: |
NotBeingRobbed Mon 19-Aug-19 12:57:34

You can always ask him to do the cleaning. It’s not a female-only chore! If he doesn’t want a cleaner he had better do the work!

NCB2019 Mon 19-Aug-19 13:05:08

Re fuse to do the cleaning for a start.

justbeingadad Mon 19-Aug-19 13:09:02


And a doctor never goes to their GP.....shock

1WayOrAnother Mon 19-Aug-19 13:16:52

I think you have to face the fact that your family will be 'broken up' whatever happens. It is because of HIS behaviour not yours so this is HIS responsibility. You have a responsibility to your DC to create & maintain a healthy environment at home. Him being put away must be secondary. No doubt you'll be advised to keep a log of things so I'd start doing so now. See a solicitor and get some proper advice but above all take your responsibility to your DC seriously and put it first in your priorities. It will help both your DC and you in the long run. Good luck OP flowers

Bowsy5 Mon 19-Aug-19 13:27:53

The only advice that I can give you is what I was given by police after the CPS saying that there wasn't enough to pursue a case was that they needed information such as:

I'd suggest you keep a log of every single thing for the next month or so, then go to police with that log, they'll interview you and see whether the CPS feel there's sufficient evidence to bring charges/a case to trial.

Vickyglitz Mon 19-Aug-19 13:28:32

@NotBeingRobbed he says either I do it or we live in filth because he knows I will do it for our child and general hygiene. He's unhinged

OP’s posts: |
cakeandchampagne Mon 19-Aug-19 13:28:47

@justbeingadad I didn’t suggest she handle her own case.
It just seemed she would have easy access to information/laws & already have appropriate contacts.

Bowsy5 Mon 19-Aug-19 13:31:57

Oh and include everything in there, such as being coerced into sex for e.g. when you're not interested, all incidences of name calling, all incidents/threats/arguments re cleaner and playdate and anything and everything you can come up with in between.
Clearly, don't make him aware that you're keeping the log.

Bowsy5 Mon 19-Aug-19 13:32:49

@cakeandchampagne Her contacts in this case will be the police, not lawyers.

Bowsy5 Mon 19-Aug-19 13:36:04

And maybe, in the log, keep a record of how his behaviour made you feel at the time. Not sure if police require that, but it may be useful for you to have when you're being interviewed/making a statement.

Bowsy5 Mon 19-Aug-19 13:38:05

Things such as sulking/punishing you in other ways when you don't do what he says/wants should also be included in the log.
It builds a concrete picture of how he treats you.

Bowsy5 Mon 19-Aug-19 13:40:03

And if you need further professional guidance, I'd suggest calling 101 (or use their website), give an outline of the crime and they can meet you at a place of convenience or their station, to discuss with you. If you don't have sufficient evidence now, they'll steer you as to what they would require in order to pursue a case.

iamtinkabella Mon 19-Aug-19 13:40:21

Yes. i have been successful at this. ask awaysmile

Outlookmainlyfair Mon 19-Aug-19 13:45:55

Good luck!

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