Sorry for the long post but I want to give as much background as possible. After years of living with a financially abusive man (amongst other things) my view may be skewed. I’m separated and the family home is sold. We have one ds (13) who lives with me but with the arrangement that he can see/stay with his dad anytime and for as long as he wants. The reality is that ds is with me most of the time and spends the very occasional weekend and some holiday time with his Dad. Ds is happy with this arrangement. We signed a consent order with regards to finances and the split of assets/equity. I have 52% of the total and a mutually agreed £200 per month maintenance paid into my account on the 1st of the month. The backdrop to all this was that h did not want to split, stalled the process as much as he could and refused to engage a solicitor or take any legal advice that would cost him. In desperation and to be able to move on I had 3 different agreements drawn up (he agreed the first two and then changed his mind and refused to sign) effectively running up my solicitors bill (£2000+) and costing him nothing. Finances dictated we lived in the same house while this was going on(it took over a year to sell) and towards the end he stopped contributing to housekeeping dragging me deeper into debt. No consent order agreement meant I couldn’t exchange on a flat I’d offered on. He signed at the eleventh hour, literally the day before exchange. It almost destroyed the chain and it was all extremely stressful. At the time we didn’t discuss a divorce (I didn’t have the mental energy or finances to do that as well) and just thought we would do it at a later date. Well, the later date has arrived. He sent me a message last month saying he was starting divorce proceedings and it was going to cost £950. He’s using a company that charge £400 plus £550 court fees. I didn’t respond and assumed some paperwork would drop through the letterbox at some point. He hasn’t paid the August maintenance (it’s not unusual to keep me guessing as to when it will arrive) and I chased him for it. He responded saying he’s withholding payments to cover my half of the divorce costs and would I prefer him to reduce payments to £100 a month for the next 4 months instead! Considering his head in the sand approach to the financial agreement am I right to feel this is hypocritical and that if he instigates divorce proceedings then he should pay for them? I feel like I’m being blackmailed to agree to his terms and with whatever he’s put in the petition otherwise it will drag on/cost more and he will take longer to reinstate the maintenance. I actively avoid conflict hence me taking until the 18th of this month to chase the maintenance and I’m angry that he can still exert financial control over me. I’m overdrawn and was relying on the maintenance to get me to the end of the month. I’m so frustrated with him I’m in danger of turning into a screaming banshee which is exactly what he wants. Any thoughts on how to word a response without the involvement of costly solicitors or CSA (he’s self employed...) would be very much appreciated. Thank you for reading!
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Divorce/separation
Withholding maintenance in lieu of divorce cost
Anewchapter · 19/08/2019 02:45
That must have been so difficult for you SeaSidePebbles. It just goes to show that you think you’re doing the right thing by protecting your children from the detail but you could be setting them up for a greater fall somewhere in the future. It’s def something for me to think about. Your DD is showing great maturity which obviously comes from your love and guidance. I wish you both well.
Bengalcat that is a good point and something I will consider if nothing appears over the next few weeks. I’m slightly suspicious as apart from eventually removing his own personal stuff and cherry picking other items just prior to sale he literally did nothing in the way of practical stuff/paperwork/moving things on. It’s very out of character for him to be proactive which leads me to think he’s either pulling the wool over my eyes or something else is going on in the background.
One thing I would put money on (if I had any...
) is that if I instigated proceedings he would revert to type and start stalling.
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