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Is my husband a narcissist? Or is there still hope?

(35 Posts)
Keykeche Sun 18-Aug-19 16:51:46

Why I’m asking? If he is a narcissist I know, that even though I still love him, I must run.
If he is not and will contemplate a therapy, maybe our marriage still can be solved. We have a daughter and have a blended family of three other kids.

I will give some positive and negative examples of what he can do and how he can be.

Negatives:
1. Can get verbally abusive and aggressive (shouting at the top of his voice) during the fight.
2. Rarely admits mistakes
3. Tends to majorly exaggerate good and bad things
4. Likes to appear better than he is and pretends to know more than he does
5. Likes to be a center of attention
6. Constantly criticising that I don’t do anything, am lazy and only spend money. Here I’ll have to explain more. He generally hates people to sit down and relax, he himself can never just sit down, read a book or even watch a movie without getting up and doing other things in between. I am not going to explain, that as a mother of three, even if I don’t want to do things, there isn’t a day when I can just sit down and do nothing. So I’m definitely not lazy. As for money, the money I spend goes to groceries, day to day things, kids. Rarely I spend anything out of ordinary on myself. He, himself, spends very little.
7. Has very sudden bad moods. Can go from high and normal to low without any reason.
8. Has a drinking problem, which lately got much better though.
9. Likes to interfere with my good intentions.
For example, puts a glass of wine in front of me when I said I’m doing a dry month. If a go on a diet, sulks and says that I don’t need it and makes pasta (my downfall).
10. Can be very short tempered around my kids.
Only one who is a perfect boy is his son, my SS. But that’s because he has a guilty father’s syndrome for leaving him.
11. Succumbs very easy to anything addictive. Sometimes I think if I weren’t there, he’d be a drunk, who smokes 2 packs a day.
12. The most awful thing he has done lately, during the fight he told me and my boys AND our three year old daughter to “get the fuck out of here”. It was 8pm. We were in the holiday home. I had no option but to leave not to traumatise the kids even more. It was 2 hour drive to the city house. This was actually the thing which made me start the divorce proceedings.

Good things:
1. He can be a very hands on dad. But is not consistent. For example, he does some things when only he wants to do them.
2. He doesn’t cheat. Know that for sure
3. He is a good lover
4. He is very family centered. Normally. Doesn’t go out to meet friends. Usually all free time either with me or with us and kids
5. Is hardworking
6. When I had a big fall out with my mother he did everything he could to make us good again
7. After a few years he learned to listen to what I gave to say. For example taking drinking under control, quitting smoking.
8. Helped a lot with my career. Helped to get me a job.
9. Says he loves me. I’m pretty much sure he used to adore me. After he told me to get out, I’m not sure anymore (the argument was nasty, but I think I didn’t do anything to be told to leave our house, I didn’t cheat in any way, I wasn’t abusive to kids, I wasn’t drinking or behaving nastily).

Few additional things:
We, as a lot of people are under financial stress, but I think we are ok.
Kids had a long summer holiday and him working from home doesn’t help the workload.
We didn’t have a proper holiday in a while.
We spend a lot of time together (and I normally loved it, as I miss him terribly).
His parents came visiting for a week recently and it was tough on him.
His son is staying and he is a typical Disneyland dad.

I’m with my three kids are living separately now. He stayed with his son in the holiday home.
He left me with no money, tried to blackmail me and us completely irrational and angry.
Has no remorse at all. Thinks it’s mostly my fault. But asking us to gave a three months to work it out, living separately.
A lot of times I have a feeling that there are two people living in him. And that he needs serious psychological help.

Please help me.

I feel lost.

OP’s posts: |
Feelinghopeless999 Sun 18-Aug-19 17:30:14

He sounds just like my husband! Like literally his long long twin...! I don’t believe mine is a Narcissist, and I have experienced NPD in others in my life, I think he is just emotionally unavailable, manipulative, a little controlling and a miserable bastard.

I suppose Narcissism is on a spectrum so some of these behaviours would fall into that spectrum but I wouldn’t stay he sounds like the top of that spectrum, he still seems capable of caring and love (at least for his kids!) but he does sound quite manipulative and controlling (as is my ‘dear’ husband).

Keykeche Sun 18-Aug-19 17:33:50

Thank you for your reply.

My H can be the most amazing man in the world. Bring coffee in bed every morning, care about me when I’m sick, be responsible.

And at the same time he can turn into the ugliest human being. When he shouts it’s very intimidating, he doesn’t care if the kids are there or not. He can try and blackmail me and then deny he has ever done it and I misunderstood everything.

And the worst thing now is that I miss him. The good version of him.

Yet, reading my own post I understand that the good in him is not enough.

OP’s posts: |
lazylinguist Sun 18-Aug-19 17:35:24

I don't understand why you need to decide whether he's a narcissist or not. If all of those bad points aren't enough to put you off him, why would a label help?

Keykeche Sun 18-Aug-19 17:36:59

Linguist, I still love him. I was convinced that he is the person I’ll grow old with.

OP’s posts: |
justasking111 Sun 18-Aug-19 17:39:15

Not a narc. in my experience, do not go back to him though, your children are too important. Where is the mother of his child in all this, did she divorce him?

Keykeche Sun 18-Aug-19 17:40:26

111, yes they are divorced. And for a long time after the divorce it was ugly.
Now they are good with each other and friendly.

OP’s posts: |
darkcloudsandsunnyskies Sun 18-Aug-19 17:42:30

Please go. These are some of the worst people on earth. Their good points are not even that merely the results of their behaviour. They put those around them into a state of absolute emotional turmoil. You cannot change them.

Please go.

Keykeche Sun 18-Aug-19 17:46:26

Skies. That’s how I feel now. In absolute emotional turmoil.

I guess like this feels an addict after quitting. You know it’s bad for you, but you crave it with every fibre of your body.

OP’s posts: |
Wehttam Sun 18-Aug-19 17:51:13

Without sounding nosey why did his first marriage end?

PicsInRed Sun 18-Aug-19 17:58:45

He's controlling and abusive. It sounds like he was like this with the 1st wife. The common denominator is him and he won't change.

His 1st child is his golden child. He scapegoats your children. All will be terribly damaged by this.

You need to provide a safe home for your children by remaining apart from him.

Keykeche Sun 18-Aug-19 18:00:00

Wehttam, I will not answer this now fully, but it was his decision.

OP’s posts: |
Keykeche Sun 18-Aug-19 18:02:33

Red.

Yes, he is controlling 100%. He wants to know all my passwords, all the information there is.

There is no privacy in the house either. For example, sorry for TMI, but he can barge on me sitting on the toilet, even though he knows I hate it.
Locked doors freak him out. Any information to which he has no access makes him slightly mad and annoyed.

OP’s posts: |
Keykeche Sun 18-Aug-19 18:05:56

Thank you for all of your replies. It really helps.

With my head I fully understand I must leave.

In my heart I have guilt for breaking our family (even though it was him who told us to get out). How crazy is this? Me feeling guilt...
Also I miss all the good things. And there were plenty of those too. Not everything was bad. Not at all.
There is a question in my mind: should I have tried harder?
I feel grief for my future life, the one I always wanted and the one which will never be.

OP’s posts: |
WhiteVixen Sun 18-Aug-19 18:07:20

Yes, he is controlling 100%

And you genuinely want to live like this for the rest of your life? hmm

pinkoctopus Sun 18-Aug-19 18:13:16

Have you reached narcissistic personality traits/disorder. It is eye opening. Look up Richard grannon narcissism on you tube he will explain it in his videos. He also explains how you are a primary target as an empathic personality. Your psychology has changed to being codependent.

Narcissism's all about supply. If you are supplying what the narc needs / wants them he will be sweet and lovely.

His good points are all an act.

Read read read and educate yourself.

Try this book. I found it life changing http://amzn.eu/6HS04GD

Split from my narc 2 weeks ago. He's making my life hell but I'm not staying a minute longer than I have to.

Windygate Sun 18-Aug-19 18:14:12

Common or garden abusive, financially abusive, violent and controlling bully. Your away from him, stay that way. Your DC must be terrified of him.

Keykeche Sun 18-Aug-19 18:23:37

Am educating myself on this disorder, and that’s why I’m confused. Main trait of the Narc is that he has no empathy. I’m not sure it’s right about STBEXH. But I guess there is always a spectrum.

But I know all of you are right. One thing I can’t get into my head, that he seems not to miss me at all. How someone, who swears he loves you, not yet 2 weeks ago, can so easily not to write, call... He doesn’t even call our daughter.

OP’s posts: |
Keykeche Sun 18-Aug-19 18:25:22

Windy, DC actually have quite a good relationship with him. I’m very open with my kids and we talk a lot.

OP’s posts: |
Windygate Sun 18-Aug-19 19:12:40

That's good that you are open and you all talk. They must be confused.

IamtheOA Sun 18-Aug-19 19:18:45

Narcissists don't have empathy.
So.... they can easily lie, they have no moral quandary about lying, and will gaslight you into believing that a) it wasn't a lie or b) its actually your fault he lied.

PicsInRed Sun 18-Aug-19 19:29:15

Yes, he is controlling 100%. He wants to know all my passwords, all the information there is.

🤨

There is no privacy in the house either. For example, sorry for TMI, but he can barge on me sitting on the toilet, even though he knows I hate it.

Jesus Christ.

Locked doors freak him out. Any information to which he has no access makes him slightly mad and annoyed.

He is unhinged.

DC actually have quite a good relationship with him.

Nonsense. Give yourself a good shake, OP. You have children to consider.

Children can have a "good relationship" with any caregiver. It's a survival mechanism, like Stockholm Syndrome.

Here's what he is like with the kids - and this is your sanitised version. I bet he's much worse.

Can be very short tempered around my kids. Only one who is a perfect boy is his son, my SS.

fight he told me and my boys AND our three year old daughter to “get the fuck out of here”. It was 8pm. We were in the holiday home. I had no option but to leave not to traumatise the kids even more. It was 2 hour drive to the city house. This was actually the thing which made me start the divorce proceedings.

Keykeche Sun 18-Aug-19 19:33:19

Windy,

Thanks God, kids are actually doing great. I have an immense bond with the three of them,

Older boys are fantastic. They are at the age, when they can support me. I talk very openly with them. Also about my emotions. Always did, since they were babies. They are very adult about the whole thing.
DS2 when I asked him, what is your opinion about leaving H, said “ for you, mummy, it will probably be easier with him, because of the money, childcare, but I feel better just with you”, DS1 said that he doesn’t mind either way, but would prefer just us.
I am explaining to them that I’m very confused right now. They understand. Also I never lie to them. Kids pick up everything, so when being asked if I’m sad, I say the truth, also why I’m sad.

Our daughter is 100% mummy’s girl. She needs me and her brothers (who absolutely adore her too). She is too small to understand and doesn’t miss daddy, as normally she spends most of her time with me.

The thing what upsets me most is, that I really thought I had a perfect loving family with H. Right until it was not. I accepted all these bad things, as I am convinced there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. But I had pretty close. And now my eyes opened and I feel guilty and foolish and still so pathetically in love with him.

OP’s posts: |
Keykeche Sun 18-Aug-19 19:41:24

Red....

I know.

I’m not a stupid woman. Really. And yet I’m so confused. So emotional. We have been together for 7 years. We had very difficult financial periods. His drinking... And then I got pregnant with our daughter, and things started to get better. I felt happy. Two weeks ago I still was so grateful that I have him. My soul mate. And now it’s over. And I have to accept is over. And prepare for a nasty divorce. I have to let go that I’m responsible for someone. I can not just stop loving the father of my daughter. I could never understand that.

And, yes. I DO need exactly the advice I get here. And support. From strangers, who have nothing to gain or loose. I’m strong...But with him I’m so weak. He is like a drug to me. And it sucks. Big time.
It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Leaving him. Forever.

OP’s posts: |
Keykeche Sun 18-Aug-19 19:45:04

Another thing. How to deal with the well wishers.

“You had a perfect marriage, he loves you so much. Give it one more chance”.

Thing is, that he dies appear perfect to everyone else. I bet, I will be made a bitch who left him and ruined his life.

OP’s posts: |

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