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AIBU not letting hubby introduce new girlfriend yet

(50 Posts)
Gempeatea Sun 18-Aug-19 10:45:03

So I don't know if I being unreasonable. Hubby left in March and stated dating some in May, he'd met her in the previous September and she's has already met my kids but while we were together, they met a a weight club so he'd take the kiddies along sometimes.

Anyway he wants to introduce her and I've said no not now, not never, just not now. He says he's not really introducing her as they already know her, they spent a day together in May when he had the kids, he said our daughter who is 6 doesn't know the difference between friend and girlfriend which I get and I do believe he would tso it in the right way... Slowly as he has slareday told me so it's not how he wants to do it I have an issue with I just think its to soon. That other thinga is that they are moving in together soon so I have said no over nights if this happens. He has told me that his girlfriend will stay with her parents on the nights he has the children.... Again I feel that is reasonable...

Am I being unfair... I just feel its to early, my girl is still coming to terms that her dad has left so I don't want to upset anything... And neither does he but in the same breath wants to introduce them.

I've thought that November would be okay as this would be 6 months into thier relationship and as he said it's serious so I have said if this is the case then they have time to do this in a slow way but he doesn't seem happy with that.

Maybe I'm being a but unfair... I don't know what to do for the best

OP’s posts: |
Lovemenorca Sun 18-Aug-19 10:50:52

You can be upset
You can suggest he waits

But what you can’t do is demand. He can do what the heck he likes

Gempeatea Sun 18-Aug-19 10:55:02

Yes I know he can. All I've done really is just told him how I feel about it but ultimately I know he can do what he wants.... It just feels disrespectful and a bit bulling... Okay bulling might not be the right word... I feel underduress to agree to something I'm not sure is right.

I feel that the kids routine needs to be a bit more settled before introducing another change... But that just me

I have said this to him and I've also said but I can't stop him.

OP’s posts: |
Volluto Sun 18-Aug-19 10:58:25

I can't see how his behaviour is bullying you? You are trying to control him and what he does with his life. Why should his partner move out of their shared home when children visit?

ColaFreezePop Sun 18-Aug-19 11:08:22

You need to butt out that's what is for the best.

He's not been proven to be abusive to your joint children and as he as equal parental responsibility to you, you need to stop trying to control him.

You wouldn't want him telling you in future that your new partner can't meet your joint children would you?

Just check that the children had a nice time with their dad, and if his new partner does something nice for them and treats them well be glad.

Gempeatea Sun 18-Aug-19 11:13:44

Okay I'm not controlling him that's very harsh .... I've just aired my concerns as I just think it's to early.

I came here to see what to do for the best not to have abusive responses

OP’s posts: |
Gempeatea Sun 18-Aug-19 11:14:53

Also I didn't suggest his girlfriend move out when the kids visit that was a suggestion he came up with.

OP’s posts: |
AnneLovesGilbert Sun 18-Aug-19 11:16:18

He’s not bullying you. He’s moving in with this woman (yes, quickly, but his choice) and you’re demanding she moves out of her home when your DD is with her dad or that overnights stop and she gets less time with him?

That’s incredibly controlling. He split up with, not his DD and as her father - her equal parent - he gets to decide how they spend her time with him and who else is there, as you do when she’s with you.

Gempeatea Sun 18-Aug-19 11:16:23

Also I have no issues about his new partner, she seems nice enough brought my little girl birthday presents im just thinking of our children that is all.

OP’s posts: |
Gempeatea Sun 18-Aug-19 11:17:10

No I'm not demanding his girlfriend move out...😂 😂... He said that not me

OP’s posts: |
Gempeatea Sun 18-Aug-19 11:17:44

And I've said bulling is the wrong word

OP’s posts: |
Alloftit Sun 18-Aug-19 11:19:33

He’s nowhere near bullying you and not one response has been abusive. I know this is a tough and upsetting time for you OP, but the dramatics probably aren’t helping.
As pp says, you can’t control what he does, try as you might. You will, to an extent, just have to trust his judgement. If they are to be living together, it is inevitable that his new girlfriend will be around your children, and honestly as your husband has said, a six year old doesn’t know the difference between a friend and a girlfriend, and she’s already met her as a friend.
Another element of course is that by insisting on something you actually have no rights to do so on, you are running the risk of increasing animosity in a situation which, for the most part, sounds quite amicable at present. Is this really what you want?

BunnyRuddongton Sun 18-Aug-19 11:21:11

I think you need to stop calling him your Hubby too OP. He's your ex. You might not like that but Hubby suggests that you are in a loving relationship with this man when he's clearly moved on.

Like others have said, you can tell him calmly that you think hits too soon but you can't make him obey your wishes.

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 18-Aug-19 11:21:37

X post but

I have said no over nights if this happens - controlling.
he wants to introduce her and I've said no not now - controlling

You can’t do anything. You can feel unhappy with him moving on and have your reservations but it’s up to him how he manages these changes. If you meet someone it’ll be up to you how you manage them.

I don’t see why he has to move in with her so fast, seems unnecessary, but if he’s a fit parent now you have to trust him.

Porky54 Sun 18-Aug-19 11:28:27

@Gempeatea I get where your coming from, I don't think waiting for until November is unreasonable your child is only 6 after all and it is tricky when they meet the new partner on either side.
When my two ds met dad's new girlfriend I said they needed to make sure it was serious as I didn't want numerous ladies in and out their lives. Which he was understanding and waited until they'd been together 6 + months, (i think they had been together longer and were living together anyway she just did the off when the kids went round). Your child's welfare is your priority so you need to do what feels best who is going to look out for them if you don't. And I don't think your being a "bully" in voicing your concerns. He would be if it was the other way round. Xx

lazymoz Sun 18-Aug-19 11:28:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hopefulandstrong Sun 18-Aug-19 14:21:03

You will come across bitter if you have no good reason besides it too soon. Especially regarding sleeping overnight because she's there in her home.
My dps ex is like this and she doesn't actually realise how much the dc likes me, plus I do not at all want to be the dc mother or mother figure I have my own dc. I treat him like I would any of my dc friends.

My own exh rush into moving on and wanting the boys to meet his partner, went to the point of getting the dc to lie about where they had gone, stopped me speaking to them, my youngest got a tick from the secret all because he thought I wouldn't be ok with it. Months of damage because of no communication, and expecting me to want my way and he wants his.

It not about us at all it's about them, so you have to do things you don't want or think is best because it makes the children happy.

My exh still thinks what he did was ok because I did go mad but only because of the affect on my dc, any dp since I've been fine about because the dc have been open. I actually don't know much about the current one it's not my busy.

Someonetookmyusername Sun 18-Aug-19 14:21:18

It's a very short amount of time. Particularly to move in. I think if it was a woman moving a man in everyone would agree with you.

However, you do just have to let it go unfortunately.

hopefulandstrong Sun 18-Aug-19 14:23:36

One last thing, my df cheated on my stepmother, I didn't know at the time, I just thought the other women was a work friend as my df lived abroad.
I liked the ow so much and used to get so excited when she would come out with her and beg my df to invite her. I still remember her fondly.
You really don't know how a child feels, and the ow was only around for 6-7 months, but I'm happy I met her

username678889 Sun 18-Aug-19 14:42:36

I think the fact he's discussing with you is that he values your opinion as the mother of his children. Do not tell him when he can and can't introduce a partner into their life .
Don't be one of those ex's .
Be honest shoe was on the other foot would you like it ?

MeanMrMustardSeed Sun 18-Aug-19 14:50:03

I think you’ve had lots of horrible responses here, OP. Generally MN suggests not introducing partners until 6 months into a new relationship minimum, so these responses are strange.
I think you are being fair and reasonable and your ex is pushing things. Your DC have got a lot to get used to without the girlfriend being involved.

crimsonlake Sun 18-Aug-19 15:00:42

You are right to be concerned about them meeting... you only separated a short while ago and he is already in a relationship. I can never understand the need to inflict a partner on the children so soon. The children come first.

Millyanon Sun 18-Aug-19 17:00:04

You cannot dictate what your ex does, although you can suggest. That he has spoken to you about it first suggests he does think of them and respects your view. Ultimately though, don't get too adversarial, as it could really sour relationships for all in the long run. Just concentrate on supporting the children. You have separated, but he sounds very much involved and he has not left them. If he chooses to introduce them, because in his equally valid view as a parent, he thinks it is the right time, please try to facilitate it, for their sake.

And certainly given he is moving in with her, it might be better for the children to meet her, in that potential capacity before she does.

Graphista Sun 18-Aug-19 18:49:25

I also am shocked at the harsh responses!

Also agree if it were op suggesting a new man move in after just 5 months since the separation and 3 months into the new relationship she'd have been flamed!

No you can't insist or force things (unfortunately in my opinion, as it's not in the children's best interests to deal with so much change so quickly) but I too would think it too soon for the children to be involved with the new woman and relationship.

6 months is the minimum for me before children even meet a parents new partner, let alone be expected to share a home with them, however lovely new partner might be.

It's not about that, it's about making the transition as easy as possible for the children, the adults need to suck up any inconvenience caused as a result.

He sounds as if he's a good sort so you hopefully will be able to negotiate this sensibly with him

I couldn't with my ex he was trying to get dd to call OW "mum" within a month of our split! Even ow was very unhappy about that nonsense!

People saying it's never something that can be directed are wrong. This and other issues led us into family court and every judge (ex kept dragging me back to court for petty crap!) was stunned at his lack of awareness or consideration for the confusion and distress he was causing dd and his obsession with being able to do everything exactly how he wanted regardless what was best for dd or even the other adults involved! Result was 2nd judge we saw included in contact order that OW NOT be involved in contact time for at least 6 months to allow time for matters to settle and for ex to focus on rebuilding relationship with dd.

Even my lawyer was surprised and said such instructions were very rare.

I think though it was probably because ex couldn't keep his trap shut in court and so made it very easy for judges to see what he was like. No help from me needed. In the whole debacle he ended up "sacked" by his own lawyers twice! For not listening to their advice and not behaving correctly in court. Kept mouthing off at the judges! Twat!

But hopefully you've a relatively "good 'un" here and things can be managed more smoothly

YouWhoNeverArrived Sun 18-Aug-19 19:14:21

I agree with PP. You come across as if you're still in love with your "hubby", have been hoping he'll dump his partner and come back to you, and that you don't want your daughter to meet said partner because you're not expecting her to be a permanent fixture - after all, you're still hoping "hubby" will come home...

Please get some self-respect and start to move on. He's your ex. Refer to him as such, and start thinking and planning on the basis that your split is permanent. The new partner may or may not be around forever, but, in the absence of serious safeguarding concerns, you can't control what Dad does on his time or who he introduces the kids to. So I suggest you forget any plans to dictate when your daughter can meet the new partner, and forget your plans to stop overnights - if he took you to court he'd get overnights back, and might well get a court order that gives him more contact or which you find inconvenient to implement.

If you have a specific, child-focused reason for wanting to delay introduction for a few weeks by all means put that to him, and he may go along with it. For example, it's almost the end of the summer holidays. You could politely suggest that your ex waits until your DD has been back at school for 2 weeks, to avoid her having to deal with lots of change - new school year and new partner - in the same week. Your ex may well accept a slight delay to introducing his partner if it's for a child-focused reason like that. But at the moment, at least on here, it comes across as if you're delaying introductions because you want your ex back, which is a very bad look.

I hope your ex and his partner don't know you refer to him as "Hubby". My husband's ex referred to him as "my husband" while they were divorcing. The divorce took 18 months, and she was still calling him her husband after he'd been living with me for a year. Although technically correct in the eyes of the law, she sounded pretty desperate; I felt sorry for her tbh. Less charitable friends used to laugh at her behind her back. She tried to prevent him introducing his children to me because she expected him to go back to her. He didn't!

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