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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

Husband blaming me for affair?

20 replies

Boozysuzy84 · 16/08/2019 17:35

So its 3 weeks on since I found out about my husbands affair. Tried talking to him last night (noticed his ring is off too) when he came to see ds. I was asking him why if he isn't still seeing this woman did he throw away 17 years together? Was it sex? The thrill?

All I want him to say is hes so sorry, hes been stupid, it was excitement.he was bored.

He keeps saying to me he hasn't felt that same way about us for a year and wasnt happy together that's why he cheated which is news to me, life was normal and contented.

Is this normal for a man to try and deflect blame, to try and make themselves feel better? Why cant he just admit hes done a horrible thing instead of trying to shift blame? I'm struggling to cope today x

OP posts:

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LeithWalk · 16/08/2019 17:42

Mine certainly deflected the blame, he treat me as if I was the one who had had the affair, horrid. I would have more easily accepted being treat badly if I had, I would think I deserved it but not when I was the innocent party .
I think it is about reducing their guilt, make it justifiable.

Sorry that you are going through this, the worst time of my life and made worse by what you describe.

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pointythings · 16/08/2019 21:47

This is what they do. There's a script. I think part of it is just human nature - we need to blame someone else, because if we do not, we have to face up to the fact that we are responsible for doing some shitty things and hurting others. Far easier if it's all someone else's fault.

My late H always tried to make out it was my fault he drank.

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Otter71 · 16/08/2019 22:35

Mine deflected blame for just about everything throughout the marriage and took the compliments for anything that went right even if I did everything. But I know women like that too...

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Yellowshirt · 17/08/2019 18:26

My stbx has now decided to deny her long term affair. I think it's because she can't stand the fact that eventually people will see her for what she is. It's just to protect the lies.

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NomDeQwerty · 17/08/2019 18:29

Yes all completely normal. It's to avoid admitting to themselves and others that they are shits and couldn't be arsed to do the decent thing and either talk to you about it or ask for a divorce.
It's not you it's him.

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SparklesAndUnicorns · 17/08/2019 19:01

Yes I've had this too. My whole relationship breakdown was apparently my fault, it's just projecting their own guilt so they don't have to feel bad about what they have done

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Flower64 · 17/08/2019 19:41

Yes this is what they do. My ex blamed his lying on me being paranoid. I wasn’t paranoid I just kept catching him out lying 😂 and he cheated on me and his ex because we both made him so unhappy. He took no responsibility for the fact that he’s a lying piece of you know what who always wants more than what he has

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Yellowshirt · 17/08/2019 21:35

Boozysuzy84 just think while you were working your arse off, or doing other stuff for the good of your family he was lying and then lying again to cover his tracks. He will probably now use the child or children to try and hurt you more. That's what my wife did anyway.
Even now my wife will lie even though we are divorcing because she is petrified of the truth and anytime you show happiness in the near future they will try and take that away from you too.
They will still try to control you and silence you as they don't want the truth to be heard especially if the person they were having an affair with also was married etc etc....

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Boozysuzy84 · 17/08/2019 23:35

So turns out he is still seeing her and just lying. Hes in a hotel with her today and has been caught out. No wonder the rings off, cant exactly be wearing that when hes shagging her

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Weenurse · 18/08/2019 07:24

So sorry

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PennysPocket · 18/08/2019 07:32

They lie. I am so sorry.

He cheated because he wanted to. You never factored in that decision.
If he has been unhappy for a year why not talk to you about it? Work on it with you after all 17 years is a long time to just give up because of 1 year of unhappiness.

He will blame you/work/stress/depression/boring family lufe/she perused him... blah blah blah but truth is HE chose to cheat because he wanted to.

I am so sorry he's done this to you. You will feel retched for a long while but you deserve better than a cheating coward.

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Otter71 · 18/08/2019 09:55

There is also an element of perception. I have no idea what is true or false about a lot of things during my 20 years marriage.. 20 years of being told something totally opposite to my memory to the extent of no longer trusting that. He will tell you I am denying an affair - with an old school friend I see no more than once per year but he hates him despite always refusing to meet. People will do anything to feel better about their own prejudice too...

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Alfiemoon1 · 18/08/2019 15:34

Yes they do try to shift the blame maybe it’s to ease their guilt. They also rewrite the history of the marriage it’s the script

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strawberry2017 · 18/08/2019 15:38

It's easier to blame you then accept the responsibility of his own actions.

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HomeFree55 · 18/08/2019 15:41

Theres a website called chump lady which had been a bit of a god send since I recently went through something similar. Look after yourself 💐

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Alfiemoon1 · 18/08/2019 16:13

Yes I found chump lady useful my dh is definitely the cake eater I have also seen surviving infidelity website recommended on here

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fingernailsbitten · 19/08/2019 12:09

My H seems to think our last holiday a year ago, which was a great holiday, one of the best we've ever had, was apparently a holiday we 'went on as friends'. WTF?!? When on earth did we book a holiday as man and wife 'as friends.' He claims we did not sleep together whilst on holiday and I know we did. We didn't have a wild sex life but that was down to the fact the he was falling asleep at 6pm and snoozing all evening and him being miserable and irritable because he was working shifts that never seemed to improve. His colleagues would get a 4-day weekend occasionally and would do trips away with their significant other. My H was spending thousands of pounds on his car, car repairs, car body work and spare parts for the beloved car. I never complained as he earned well and spent what he wanted.
Now he's moved out, refuses to engage in any communication, thinks divorce isn't urgent and there's no rush. Story of his life, there is no rush for you H because you're having your cake and eating it.Life must just peachy on the other side. Zero responsibility. Wife tryign to reconcile and he ignores my texts and emails and won't answer telephone calls. Thanks for nothing H.

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justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 12:18

A man's side here.....I found out my wife had met a male friend (I knew existed) in an unusual scenario - she'd lied to me about going shopping and instead went to his "for coffee". She only admitted it after being pushed. There were also further instances (with other men) where she seemed to have an unreasonably close / unusual relationship. In all cases, the blame was firmly put on me for not being a good enough husband and for xyz mistakes I'd made in years gone by. At no point was it ever her fault for just making a bad decision / being a crap wife. At the time I was so focused on our marriage succeeding I let the accusations go and accepted I was at fault. We're now getting divorced so it was all wasted effort anyway.

I don't think what you're seeing is a male trait, but rather the trait of a cheater. It seems they come in both the male and female variety.

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pointythings · 19/08/2019 13:37

Agreed, justbeingadad.

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Boozysuzy84 · 19/08/2019 21:15

Well all your messages have been amazing thanks to everyone who has replied. I started reading chump lady and I already feel like a weight has been lifted of my mind emotionally..................

" Why did they cheat? Because they could. Because they gave themselves permission to do it. They didn’t care about how it would hurt you. Not enough"

I know I'll probably never understand why but I know in my heart it's not my fault, it's not anything I've done. Doesn't stop those 3am nightmares of "maybe of I did this, maybe if i did that" but maybe in time it will.

I've realised I may never get closure or understand why, I just need to get on with attempting to rebuild my life with as little as possible damage to my son.

Played dumb with him tonight for my own mental clarity....... asked him hypothetically his view on reconciliation. I have no intentions of taking him back and hes yet again reiterated regardless of his affair he doesn't want us to be a family anymore.

Hes asked me tonight to get things moving with regards to the separation. Open my own bank account ect so we can separate finances. He says "it's almost been 4 weeks I haven't done enough in that timeframe"

Theres no houses to rent in my sons catchment area and hes suggesting i need to start looking further afield! He says he cant stay at his mums much longer and certainly not for the next two months. Believe me I want to get away and start fresh. He thinks he can put me and my son out of our home. Haven't been to council or benifits offices yet. Chances of getting a council house must be slim? Surely if I leave the marital home they will day I have made myself homeless?

Hes offered me 50% of the equity of the house (20k) and the minimum child maintenance payments. He has calculated the child maintenance payment on his minimum salary ( he earns about 20k on top of that in car payments and bonuses, are they not taken into account?) I know he earned 101k last year but hes basing it on his basic salary. He made 8k last month after tax ni etc so £600 a month child maintenance doesn't seem fair.

I've been applying for jobs but am hesitant to suddenly throw my son into a childminder 12+ hours a day when there will be enough changes happening.

He doesn't know I know about the 55k accrued on his pension since we were married. I'm just going to keep playing dumb. Have stacks of paperwork to get photocopied tomorrow, showing his earnings for the last 10 years, his pension info, and contracts from his new job he started 2 months ago. Going to into bank tomorrow and get printed copies of our joint bank account before it gets shut down.

What else do I need to do? Trying to get my ducks in a row. Got a solicitors appointment monday. Time to get my head in the game and stop torturing myself emotionally with the why.

Not expecting answers to everything from you lot but writing all this down is clearing my head a bit. Xx