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Help with moving on after long marriage and being treated appallingly

(15 Posts)
VivaVegas Tue 06-Aug-19 10:04:37

I started posted here a year ago when my H of 20 years started behaving weirdly.
Over the course of the last year he has lied to me, deceived me, made me out to be crazy and paranoid and spent time away with a woman whilst pretending he was alone really thinking about our marriage.
He then wouldn't end it, wouldn't get his stuff out and wouldn't tell the DC he was leaving. He finally did that a few months ago.
He is now being seen out with the woman (who has split up with her long term partner) who he has spent the last year pretending is 'just a friend' and is still denying anything more. Until now, when they were seen in public clearly behaving like they are more than friends.
I have been an idiot, I've let him do this, but I wanted to save our marriage, I loved him, he told me he was unwell and didn't know what he was doing.
Now I know for sure and crazy as that sounds I needed that, I need to find some self esteem, pride and not feel old, ugly and unwanted as I do and move on, but I struggle to do that and I don't know why.
I'm usually very strong, I'm outgoing, friendly, I have a good career, good friends. But with this I just retreat to wallowing in self pity, it's gone on so long I think it's damaged me.
I've spent £100s on counselling, I fill my time when I don't have the dc meeting friends, doing things. I exercise. I've started volunteering. I've had hair, nails, beauty treatments to make me feel better.
nothing works.
How do I stop caring about him?
How do I stop thinking about him and her together which makes me feel sick. Sure that they will be happy while I am sad and lonely.
I don't want to be that sad bitter person but I have lost everything I cared about and now feel I have half a life only seeing my DC part of the time.
Can anyone give me some help as I need to make changes and move on,
I want to be happy, I want to like me again (I used to like me but he has now taken that away with his rewriting of history and blaming me for everything).
Please can someone give me a virtual kick up the backside and suggest how I can turn this round into a more positive life?

OP’s posts: |
VivaVegas Tue 06-Aug-19 10:24:51

No idea what happened there, I kept getting an error and then it's listed loads of posts!
I have asked HQ to delete them.

OP’s posts: |
Moffa Tue 06-Aug-19 14:47:34

Hi Vegas,

Sorry you are here. I’m afraid I don’t have the answers for you - I’m looking myself - but it looks like you are doing all the right things so maybe just allow yourself time to feel your way?

I’ve been writing a list of 100 dreams on my dream board (things I want to do) from travel, hobbies to learning Spanish etc. It’s quite nice having a focus.

I also want to read ‘the intelligent divorce’.

Life will be what we make it x

VivaVegas Tue 06-Aug-19 23:11:49

Thanks Moffa I will have a look at that book.
My sister has suggested I do a vision board so again I'll look into that.
I feel I'm really trying but struggling to get to where I want to be.

OP’s posts: |
Palaver1 Wed 07-Aug-19 06:42:41

It takes time it really does time is a healer.its like a terrible cut with time it will heal ,there will always be a scar left behind .With time it will heal and you’ll almost forget that it’s there, how it happened and the pain.
Don’t be hard on yourself take a day at the time.
Only you can make yourself happy.your in charge now.
Stay strong XX

Itsnotme123 Thu 08-Aug-19 21:43:20

Hi VivaVegas, you’re doing well going out, excercising and looking after yourself, even though it seems a bit fruitless atm.

I’m in the same boat as you, but I’m learning Spanish, excercising, seeing friends a bit but I love watching films or series on iPlayer. I can lose myself in another world that way.

I’m not sure what we are meant to be doing but it will end and then we move on, and start to follow our dreams. just hold on to that thought.

Delphee Thu 08-Aug-19 22:31:52

Hi, if you see my post I think you’ll see I’m in almost the same boat. I have no idea who I am after 23 years (yesterday!). I like the idea of a list of dreams, I’ve been making a list of lasts! I too cannot stand the the thought of them being happy. He’s out with her now - children ask me when will he be home? I have no idea how to deal with it but wanted you to know you’re not alone. Xx

VivaVegas Thu 08-Aug-19 23:49:28

It's awful isn't it.
I'm away at the moment and feel much better, it feels better when there is distance. I know as soon as I go back home the anxiety and the wondering will start again.
I get so angry sometimes I barely recognise myself. I don't like what this has done to me as a person.
I need to learn to not care, to not think about them and to focus on my future but that's just so hard.
Why did he have to do this

OP’s posts: |
Delphee Fri 09-Aug-19 01:07:38

I don’t know- it’s like the whole world has fallen apart. Mines still not home. I think you are right to get some space and you’re inspiring me to do the same. Keep taking each day at a time - we can do this. Xxx

Ilady Fri 09-Aug-19 02:42:03

Viva vegus, you mentioned that your away from home at the moment. You said when you go back home the anxiety and the wondering will start again. Could I ask if your ex and his new partner live near you?
You could still be seeing him and her on a regular basis.
Would you consider moving to a new house or apartment? I know this may not be practical but it could give you a fresh start and get you away from this happened here ect.
I can understand that you finding it hard at the moment. Your bound to as you have spent a large part of your life with him. You were willing to believe his lies and you were willing to work on saving your marriage. He treated you badly so no wonder your angry.
Keep up with meeting friends, going out and making the best of yourself as it will help you feel better.
I would also get legal advice. Go after what your entitled to including his pension. I know you might not feel like doing this but you have to think of your current and your long term circumstances. You might have spent a few years at home when your kids were small or worked part time so he could work long hours ect.
You don't want to end up in a poor financial situation long term because he decided to cheat on you and then did nothing but lie to you after this.
I would also let the people you know in common just how he treated you especially his parents, brothers, sisters and close friends.
If he is bad mouthing you I would do the same back.
If your kids are young and staying with him make sure they have plenty of Coco cola, m and m's ect before they go over to dad's. Let him and her deal with the suger come down.
If the kids are older ie teenagers tell them they can't have money as their father is giving you so little. Get them to ask for money in front of his new girlfriend on a regular basis. Tell them to be as horrible as possible to her and burst into their bedroom as often as possible. Get them to ring him and arrange that he brings them home after nights out.
Ring him on a regular basis at night over the most trival thing.
If he or her get nasty over this tell them well what did you think was going to happen when you got involved with each other.
Use the anger you have now to get what you and your DC deserve.

Lostromantic Fri 09-Aug-19 02:53:00

Time will heal. Maybe in the meantime though, stop focusing your energy on him. Stop trying to do things that are to get over him. Focus on yourself. Don't do something because it will distract you from him, but do something that you want or just benefits you. What's something you always wanted to do or learn?

I just want to say though, grief is absolutely normal. It's horrible what happened and your reaction is normal. Some bounce back quicker because in their hearts they knew the marriage was over too. It sounds like you weren't ready. Keep your head up, maybe go on some dates with friends.

VivaVegas Fri 09-Aug-19 09:18:34

And that's what I'm trying to do to keep busy, but I feel I'm doing stuff because I have to rather than want to.
He lives nearby on his own, she lives a few miles away on her own, he is still denying to everybody that there is anything going on, yet it's a small place and they are seen together and that's what I can't bare, a future of that, seeing them together happy while I'm alone and miserable. He's probably lying to her that he's telling people they are together yet he's still lying to his family, it's just all lies. She lied to her previous ltp too, they are a pair of liars. Their lives built on lies, I hope at some point it all comes crashing down for them.
I have sorted the financial stuff, I've had legal advice, reality is I need to file and kick him to the curb.
I've asked him to move away but reality is he won't move far enough for me.
My family are several hours away I could move back (I moved to be with him, gave up everything and took a risk to be with him) but that would mean moving the DC school in high school and taking them away from their friends.
I want to be that person who can move forward and create a better life for me and my DC and to be happier, he wasn't a perfect H he was very lazy and has issues he needs to deal with which he isn't he's just running away and finding someone else. At the moment he's blaming me for everything which has made me feel rubbish about myself.
I just want his life to all come crumbling down and for him to then realise what a fool he's been.
Is that karma or is that just where my bitterness comes in!

OP’s posts: |
Delphee Sat 10-Aug-19 10:36:27

I just want his life to all come crumbling down and for him to then realise what a fool he's been.
Is that karma or is that just where my bitterness comes in!

That is me too!! I don’t care if it is bitterness or karma it’s what they deserve! And I’m starting to believe that in the long run we will be better off. I also think that at some point we will stop caring what they are doing as it will no longer matter. (Having a positive few minutes-it’s rare!)

Mine also hasn’t told anyone. I don’t have family but am reminded that his family are his!

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 11-Aug-19 08:16:55

I wasn't married as long (11years), but things I found helped.

Moving house - fresh start able to make it my own, though I didn't do this for four years. I should have done it sooner.
Got a new hobby where no one had known me married. Actually I got two crocheting that filled my time at home and joined a choir.
I keep DC in same school felt they had had enough turmoil without that changing.

Time is a great healer as others have said, but for me moving house was the biggest thing as I finally felt independent.

Moffa Sun 11-Aug-19 15:25:12

Good advice @Lonecatwithkitten

I can’t wait to get my own house! X

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