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(18 Posts)
Delphee Sun 04-Aug-19 21:07:10

Hi, I’m new here and desperate for support please. I lied to my husband about something important, but haven’t cheated on him although he thinks I did. He can no longer trust me and I get that. I wish it wasn’t so but he has decided 22 years are over. I have no family to turn to, right now he is meeting another woman. He has been talking to her online and on the phone for two weeks. I’m sat here not knowing what to do. It hurts. We are still living together, last night we ‘did the dirty’ after he’d been on the phone to her for an hour and an hour before he meets her for the first time today he tells me that is his plan for the evening. He’s been gone 4 hours, I’ve walked the dog for two of them and cut the grass. I’m going out of my mind- he’s moved on, I haven’t. I’m trying to be ok with it, but I’m not. Selfish? Sorry just needed to sound it out. Any advice? Thanks

OP’s posts: |
Mollie3 Sun 04-Aug-19 22:03:32

What did you lie to him about? I was in a similar situation a while ago. Because I wouldn’t let DH have free access to my phone after a faux pas (he thought I cheated on him) or stop contact with the other guy, he tracked down an old flame and had a full blown relationship with her despite my efforts to get us back on track. I know it is a horrid feeling living with them still when they are seeing someone else. Especially when they think they can have both of you 🙄
My situation did resolve itself in the end. I left, staying with family initially, and now live with a supportive partner.
You say you have no family to turn to, but what about friends for support? Could you discuss going your separate ways if his mind is made up?

Delphee Sun 04-Aug-19 22:09:25

Thanks for your reply, it’s killing me lying here wondering what he’s doing, are they holding hands, have they kissed? I didn’t tell him I was abused as a child, he’s found it hard to hear about but that I never told him until I got quite ill earlier in the year hurt him the most. I’m not ready for my friends to know my past, it took me 22 years to tell the person closest to me! Plus I think I’ve been hoping there is a way back and don’t want others to think bad if him. Financially we’re going to have to brave it out in the same house for ages. Unless he shacks up with another woman. Thank you so much for sharing your experience it gives me hope maybe not with him but for my future.

OP’s posts: |
Yeahnahmum Mon 05-Aug-19 13:25:01

You told him you were abused as a kid.
And how on earth does he then think you cheated on him?? How are those 2 connected in his mind?so strange

Is he maybe just using it as an "out"?

So sorry to hear about it op.
You finally managing to confess in him and this is how he "repays" you.

Ask him details of what he did. If he crossed the line then end it. Inmy opinion he already crossed it by talking up someone else for 2 weeks and meeting up with her...

Otter71 Tue 06-Aug-19 22:02:36

IME some guys can twist just about anything against you. Hope you can find some peace.

Palaver1 Wed 07-Aug-19 06:45:35

If this is the case and it’s truly the case.
Then do you really feel he is worthy of you.

Mollie3 Wed 07-Aug-19 17:45:15

It’s so unfair of him to hold that against you though, it is your experience that is very emotive and a huge thing that you have every right to tell or not tell anyone including your partner. It seems to me I might be wrong but is he the type of man who turns everything round to make it about himself and make him ‘the victim’? Although you have been through a horrendous experience and he found out, apparently according to his warped brain it is him who has been wronged by you. What!? What about YOU and how you were wronged by your abuser? Could you be better off without this narcissistic man as a partner? Perhaps it’s a blessing in disguise that he’s met someone else although it might not seem like it at present x

PicsInRed Wed 07-Aug-19 20:19:13

It sounds like your ability to hold such a big part of yourself back from him made him feel that his "ownership" of every part of you was diminished.

He's now lashing out to punish you for daring to retain that personal privacy and boundary between your psyche and his.

There's no excuse and he's plainly a monster - actually one of the worst I've seen on here, IMO.

It's a profound and life altering thing to be abused as a child and his reaction to the trust you showed him by sharing that is totally unforgivable. flowers

ralphfromlordoftheflies Wed 07-Aug-19 20:21:50

This is one of the worst behaviours I have read about from a man for a long time. I'm so sorry, OP. Get angry.

Delphee Thu 08-Aug-19 00:16:02

Thank you so much for your replies. I’m assured nothing happened on the date. He came home and said it wasn’t there for him- she wasn’t me. Told me he’d let her down gently as he’s a good guy. However, he got cross with me again and is on the phone to her now- 12:15am -said we can watch a programme together when he’s done but doesnt know how long he’ll be. I’m in turmoil here but I hear your advice and it is going in. I’ve been strong before time to be strong again.

OP’s posts: |
Horehound Thu 08-Aug-19 00:18:09

hmm

lesleyw1953 Thu 08-Aug-19 00:54:27

Poor you! He's a twat - tell him he can speak to her as long as he wants - you want out. Screw the programme - you have done nothing wrong. Get out and find someone decent who deserves you {flowers}

lesleyw1953 Thu 08-Aug-19 00:55:46

flowers

Delphee Thu 08-Aug-19 14:30:47

Thank you. Out is hard when love is involved - but it’s something I need to get over. It’s crushing me- hugs one minute- nice walk ‘oh rang and I missed it’ and I’m back down to earth. I need to get away but have no money and he won’t. Anywhere I can afford is too small to have the children so they need to stay with him.

OP’s posts: |
Sexnotgender Thu 08-Aug-19 14:34:39

He’s manipulating your feelings and keeping you as an option.

Don’t be his back up plan! Take yourself away as an option, you’re better than that.

How appalling to hold your childhood abuse against you and use it to excuse his behaviour. He’s a repugnant man.

EinsteinsArousedSausagesHCB Thu 08-Aug-19 14:55:50

I need to get away but have no money and he won’t. Anywhere I can afford is too small to have the children so they need to stay with him.

Not necessarily true OP. Depending on your circumstances you may very well be able to stay in the house with the DC.

I've read enough of these threads to know that you should gather copies of all important documents, bank statements etc. And get yourself a free half hour with a solicitor.

Delphee Thu 08-Aug-19 18:32:25

Thanks. It’s council - so I don’t know. He’s a good talker he will take me to cleaners. He’s gone out again. Said they’re not having sex and it’s not in his plans but he’s taken condoms (I counted them earlier!). Guess it is time for me to look out for me and our children and maybe one day he’ll realise what he’s lost.

OP’s posts: |
Frankola Sat 10-Aug-19 23:16:39

He is behaving like this because you didn't tell him you were abused as a child?! What a good husband he has turned out to be....

I'm sorry but your awful experience seems to have given him the opportunity he wants to go out and shag other women.

Any bloke worth their salt would be supporting you and trying to understand your actions. Not going on other dates and still sleeping with you.

Please see you are worth more than this rat. Get rid!

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