In a Living Nightmare

[brokenmum02]

Hello, my story is a long and shocking one and it's very difficult to condense, I don't know which way to turn and desperate for any advice. Here is a brief outline: More than 10 years ago, I found out my husband had racked up 40k in gambling debts, which I cleared, telling him if it ever happened again he would have to leave. That money I had saved was to pay off the mortgage (property in my name only). Fast forward, 3 years ago my husband took our children on holiday with his family and unbeknown to me, had put a charge on the house 3 weeks prior and that was the last I saw of my children! Sadly, from then on, the children have been clearly told a pack of lies about me and have said they want no contact with me ever again. I have fought through the courts these past 3 years and now penniless to no avail because they have now reached the ages of 16 and 18. My husband is seeking to claim 70% of the property although I have paid 90% and it's almost paid for, which obviously I have proof of. Initially, 3 years ago, he asked for 70% of the money and said if I gave it to him he would leave me alone, if I didn't agree, he would break me and literally take everything from me. Nothing could have been worse anyway than taking the children and brainwashing them, filling their heads with lies so bad that they believe its for the best they never see me again. It is the most shocking situation and he is now asking for a divorce and I don't know whether to simply give in sell the home, agree to give him half and try and move on. Up until 3 years ago, my relationship with my children was pretty perfect, they were 13 and 15 at the time, we very rarely argued which is perfectly normal with teens, they were doing great in school, I would have their friends over to the house as and when they liked, we spent tons of quality time on lovely days out together at weekends and in school hols (husband rarely with us - saying he was working). It's not just me the children haven't seen in these 3 years, but also their grandparents, uncles and aunties (all from my side). The children have made accusations about myself and even included their grandmother who has only ever shown kindness towards them. So, after exhausting trying to highlight signs of parental alienation it has been a race against time. Time has run out now to the ages the children have now reached, the fact that they have stated clearly they want nothing to do with me and that I have now run out of money as well as hope...…..any advice will be greatly received.....thank you

[NotBeingRobbed]

How is he justifying the 70%? You have been very wrongly treated and it sounds like he is a parasite. I also married a man like this and the legal system does not seem to recognise the financial and emotional abuse. I worked hard, saved and was responsible, paid the bills etc. He ran up secret debts and helped himself freely to my money. I was earning 70%. He is walking off with 55% of joint assets. Fortunately the children see what sort of man he is and I have them living with me 100%. I also have their costs, of course. He contributes a small amount for the youngest because he has to and nothing for the older one (at uni) who still costs a lot.

[NotBeingRobbed]

Plus, I should add, he also tells a lot of lies about me. My oldest sees him occasionally and always comes back with more nonsense stories.

[brokenmum02]

Thanks for you reply, I'm guessing he's plucked the 70% to provide a home for himself and our two children (he effectively kidnapped from me). Despite the fact he and the children have been living comfortably with his extended family, allowing him to have zero bills and take the kids on luxury holidays while I have fought relentlessly for 3 years to see my children and get them back. I'm glad you at least have your children with you despite the nonsense stories which are all too common unfortunately.....

[NotBeingRobbed]

Don’t forget you don’t have to pay anything for the 18-year-old - as my ex happily told my son! I’m not saying it’s morally right - it isn’t. But still if men can do it.....

[NotBeingRobbed]

PS i house both children and still only got 45%. The law is an ass.

[brokenmum02]

I don't care about the money, the house I worked hard for is for my children only to inherit, however, he took them, brainwashed them, told them lies, all as a bargaining tool to get as much money as possible from the eventual sale of the home. I have no doubt whatsoever, whatever money he gets on the pretence of providing a roof over our 16 year olds head, will be frittered away on holidays, clearing his debts etc. I just hope that one day, the kids realise they were used for this purpose which is unforgiveable....

[frazzledasarock]

Can you put the house in a trust such that when you die the house goes jointly to your children making it their asset?

When i got divorced ex wanted all my jewellery including jewellery gifted to me by my parents. Culturally the jewellery was the property of my children, I did offer ex jewellery gifted me from his family back to him, however the judge was not impressed that ex wanted what was effectively the children’s assets and refused to include it as part of the marital assets.

Im not sure if this would work with the former marital home tho.

[brokenmum02]

Hi, no I can't put it in a trust as the sole purpose of him taking the children was to then use that as bargaining power to take as much as possible from a forced sale of the home by coercing them into lying and believing whatever lies he has clearly told them. So, as he put a charge on the property, I have zero available money left to continue the fight and am desperate to get out of this house now, he will get his share and squander it and of course my share will be for the children to inherit one day. I just feel it would be such a travesty on justice for him to have contributed 10% on a property that is almost paid for by myself, take my children away from me and then expect to take 70% of the value which is my money and intended to gi straight to the children in the future which isn't what he'll do, it will be wasted and there will be nothing left of it in a few years, and I don't know how to stop that happening....

[EmeraldIsle2016]

To OP

What do your children want? The 18 year old is free to choose for themselves now and the courts would take into account their wishes if there was a battle over access.

As NBR has pointed assets accrued during the marriage are considered jointly owned and who paid for what is not taken into account.

PS i house both children and still only got 45%. The law is an ass

Considering the length of your marriage (20+ years) and that you were historically the higher earner that sounds about right.

[brokenmum02]

My children have accused me when questionned by social workers of doing things that are sadly not true in any shape or form, and they have stuck to not wanting anything to do with me which is why it's a living nightmare because I went from my relationship with my children being happy and wholesome to them being taken, manipulated and lied to. From then I have had zero contact, I have sent several letters, birthday cards, gifts but everything must have been thrown away before giving it to them because they never received anything which supports the father's theory of whatever web of lies he's told them. I don't actually know what he's lied about but severe enough for them to feel I'm best out of their life. I never knew 'parental alienation' existed until 3 years ago but once the children have been brainwashed it's sometimes impossible to reverse. I fear I will never see them again.

[IsItBetter]

First, can I please say that I truly empathise with you not being able to see your children for that number of years. As a father who was stopped from seeing my son properly for a number of months when I moved out of the former marital home, I have tasted the bitterness of being artificially kept from my child. It hurts far more than the financial implications of divorce.

On finances, I understand how expensive it is to go to court over child arrangements, and sadly the same is equally true for finances. Your assets will be seen as joint after a long marriage, regardless of whether he has put a charge on the house.

I would say you are best to get a view from a solicitor as to what a "fair" split would be. You don't need to employ one full time for financial remedy, but having pragmatic advice would help. There isn't enough information in your first post for any further comment.

[brokenmum02]

Thank you, I have exhausted all the initial 'first free consultantion' from varying solictors and they all say something different. Obviously, under the circumstances, it would be morally wrong for him to be awarded even 50% to squander, however, I will of course have to accept it. I'm just distraught that someone I thought I knew could end up doing something as unbelievable as this. Three years later I'm still in shock that a father would plan something as shocking as this all for financial gain, causing future untold psychological damage to his own children.

[IsItBetter]

My advice for you is to forget what is morally wrong (as he isn't going to be guided by what is morally justifiable) and concentrate on being pragmatic.

Difficult I know under the circumstances, but it will save you even more stress.

[brokenmum02]

Yes that's true, thanks.....