50-50 or not - your experiences of settlements

[BrigidOShaughnessy]

What's your experience of going 50-50 or not?

We're only just separating. OH earns 10x what I do. I've been the homemaker and stay at home parent working part-time for over 20 years; we focused on OH's career. We both put similar cash amounts into the house originally - me a little more, but I realise this has little bearing in mediation. He can easily get a small mortgage, I cannot. He will get an inheritance, I will not. In fact financially he will be more than ok even if we went for a 60-40 split but I will struggle if I go 50-50 which I am being pressured to do. I need a home with a studio-workshop for work with 3 beds for 2 teenage kids, one who's at uni, but still needs a base in the holidays. We live in London where tiny 60's 3 bedders - which I happen to like, start at £599k, which is 50k more than 50-50 split. I've looked at 2 bedders with largish reception rooms for the workshop where DD would have to sleep too and it's pretty unworkable, the spaces are just so small. Or I move away from my work contacts and friends and live somewhere else? Panicking very badly here please help. We are going through Mediation over next few weeks months.

[PicsInRed]

Hire a good solicitor. Get advice. Be willing to go through court.

Mediation is about getting just AN outcome for both parties - not necessarily the BEST outcome for the SAHM wife.

Stop listening to anything ex has to say about 50/50 settlements. He's not your friend, he's the opposing side and his financial interests are if direct conflict to yours.

[oldfatandtired1]

First, every case is different. It all depends on age, length of marriage, salaries, savings, debts - the lot. And as Pics said, get a solicitor. Your ex is not your friend. For what it’s worth, I think you’ll be fine. It’s a long marriage, you have dependent children, he earns 10 times your income.

I think he’s living in fantasy land if he thinks 50/50 - even 60/40 is fair. I came out of a 20 year marriage with 90% equity and half ex’s pension - we split when my youngest was 18 and had just gone to Uni. I was earning circa 25k, he was earning 100k. Ex proposed 50/50, no pension share, no ongoing maintenance - I wanted the house transferred to me and I’d leave his pension alone. So I lost 40k on the house but gained 200k + in pension, allowing me to buy a lovely, smaller house (mortgage free), have a bit in the bank and a decent income in retirement.

[PurpleWithRed]

50:50 would include all assets such as savings cars and pensions in either name, not just the house. But I agree, you need more for a home and you taking more won't prevent him from getting a suitable home.

[2018anewstart]

Similar position to you I left his pensions alone and got 90% of equity in house and a clean break. He keeps his big salary and pensions but me and the children could stay in family home. Xx

[Twillow]

I don't think the child at uni would be taken into consideration in your housing needs I'm afraid.

[oldfatandtired1]

twillow my child at Uni was very much taken into account. Judge ruled that he needed his own room at home for the duration of his studies.

[UKvsTheWorld]

my child at Uni was very much taken into account. Judge ruled that he needed his own room at home for the duration of his studies

Sounds like you were lucky. In my case 3 different judges said children over 18 do not count as they are no longer children, but adults.

[BrigidOShaughnessy]

OMG! I have seen a tiny very rundown 60's 3 bed, on nice safe close. It's got original features including 60s kitchen n bathroom which are filthy. It's over the top price range OH would consider reasonable. I am wondering if I forego rights to any savings, pensions and maintenance whether he would actually allow me to buy this house and leave enough money to do it up in the most basic of fashions i.e. end of line budget kitchen etc, with me doing as much of the work myself as possible. I am nearly peeing my pants with excitement about this house because I adore 60s and the location is great, but I know he will be chewing lemons over the price even though it's the second cheapest 3 bedder on the market in our area.

[Twillow]

Seriously, don't settle for 50:50. You have little pension as part-time/homemaker relative to him - you are entitled to a share of that without even considering the assets. Get legal advice, please!

[Collaborate]

Yours probably isn't 50/50 case given the income disparity but I'd need to sit down with you for an hour to be able to be more precise than that.

[BrigidOShaughnessy]

Thanks all, I am getting some advice from a solicitor who has recommended a local mediator.

[Palaver1]

Yes you need advice.

[Alloutofusernames1]

It is no longer a question of him 'allowing' you anything or not. Get a solicitor and stop having conversations with him where he tries to exert influence. Look at the whole of your assets including pensions, house, savings and not just the house for the split.

[BrigidOShaughnessy]

I have just met a friend who said that a woman she knows is living in a one bed flat in a bad area about 5 miles from where they used to live in a large family home. She did so badly out of the divorce because the kids had left home. Does this ever happen? Can it be that the woman gets less than 50% as in this case? I haven't heard of this and it is making me extremely worried. What is your understanding of the situation like this?

[PicsInRed]

What is your understanding of the situation like this?

Most likely she put delusions about friendship with the ex over permanent financial security, ignored good legal advice, was not prepared to be appropriately aggressive in pursing her legal entitlements and - consequently - allowed herself to get good and shafted.

Consider her your warning.

[oldfatandtired1]

Agree with Pics. I can only speak for myself - my kids were technically adults when ex buggered off, I still came out with 90% equity and a generous pension share. Reasons being - long marriage and discrepancy in salaries (his basic being 4x mine, plus bonuses). Ex proposed I have a 1 bed ex council flat in a not very nice area, judge told him that would not happen and I am mortgage free in a lovely cottage in a desirable area.

If your ex will be more than OK on 60/40 I see no reason why a judge wouldn’t agree. The aim, after a long marriage, is that each party goes forward on an equal footing - you can’t get much of a mortgage, your ex can - so you need more.

Please, please get a good solicitor and get your fair share!

[Ella1980]

It depends whether ex is honest with his finances? I left my abusive ex and he was awarded the small kids 50:50 and to this day remains in the five-bed executive family home whilst we still live in small rented six years on. No maintenance due!

[BrigidOShaughnessy]

Wow Ella, that's harsh! Sorry to hear that.

[NotBeingRobbed]

@oldfatandtired1 wow. Kids grown up and you got 90%. Plus his pension. How, I wonder? What was he left to live on?

[oldfatandtired1]

@NotBeingRobbed - I have a mortgage free home and a take home pay of circa 2k per month. Ex takes home just over 5k a month. If I can live comfortably on 2k a month so can he, he then has over 3k a month to spend on housing. He has plenty to live on, he also has big bonuses he could use to pay lump sums off a mortgage. He chooses to spend 2k a month renting an ‘executive detached’ with the GF (who earns more than me). All well and good now, I don’t know what he’ll do in retirement. But not my circus, not my monkeys.

[Tullow2016]

All well and good now, I don’t know what he’ll do in retirement

If he has no assets and needs healthcare he will get it for free. Whereas you as a property owner will have to sell the house. That's why some prefer to spend what they have and live off the state later in life.

[NotBeingRobbed]

The only plus I can see to losing my life savings to my ex now is that I won’t have to pay for him when he goes into a care home!

[Mumtogir]

Hey im currently going through a divorce after OH decided to have an affair , currently just putting in our finatual disclosures, we were married 6 years together for 10 , we have 2 children one of 4y and a 7 month old i bloody well hope it wont be 50/50split 😬😬

[Eddie1940]

Anyone - any suggestions on this one . Husband left me after he had affair -she’s 10 years younger . We have been married 5 years no children ( we were older when married ) . I put down large deposit on house . We both worked full time and paid equal bills mortgage. His older children lived with us and I paid 50 % of their living costs . They are both over 20 now . He s trying for 50 % . I ve got a solicitor she does nt seem to offer much in the way of what might happen if court . If he gets 50% I ll lose a huge amount of the deposit I put in . Any thoughts ? Pretty shit really

[NotBeingRobbed]

@Eddie1940 Legally it was a short marriage so there is hope for you. You may be able to get your deposit back. You need legal advice!