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Separated but living together?

(22 Posts)
Liz79 Mon 22-Jul-19 11:44:26

Has anyone done this? How do you workout the practicalities? We've only just decided to separate and are ultimately headed for divorce. Haven't told DC yet. He has moved into spare room and we're starting to separate finances etc. Can't afford to run 2 households just now. We're still friends and can work well as a team. We just don't live each other. For the time being, we're something inbetween a couple and house mates

OP’s posts: |
bushes Mon 22-Jul-19 14:21:20

I was coming on here to start a thread like this...thank you OP.

Very newly separated (cannot believe I'm typing that). DH will be staying with a friend a few nights a week but also sleeping on the sofa here occasionally.

It's fucking weird. I don't know what the future looks like. We have a beautiful house and the thought of selling it breaks my heart. Can't afford two households either though.

thanks for you @Liz79

Liz79 Mon 22-Jul-19 15:12:47

We only decided last night. We built a massive extension 2 years ago and still paying for the pissing thing. However I have the massive master suite with new superking bed and he has the box room 😂 been opening a single bank a.c. today and doing sums of who will pay how much for what etc. 60/40 split as I bring in 60%

OP’s posts: |
Littlefluffycloudos Mon 22-Jul-19 20:52:23

I’m in a similar situation. He told me he wanted to separate 3 weeks ago and we have a very young child. Also can’t afford to separate houses although he seems to think we can.....he’s living in the spare room for the foreseeable though

OhioOhioOhio Mon 22-Jul-19 20:57:19

I did it for 8 months. It was an absolute fucking nightmare. Awful. So awful.

Get 2 tiny box rooms to rent. Separately. Anything but share together but apart.

Bookvan Mon 22-Jul-19 21:13:41

I did it for nearly a year. Just awful. Dragged it out for the dcs. He had a gf so never knew if he'd be home or not so was constantly on edge.
We had moments where we'd get on, we were both on tinder for a bit so we'd have a drink together and laugh about the awful dates we'd been on, but mostly there was too much anger and resentment between us.

We had one rule that we didn't bring anyone back to the house, and he flouted that. I was not impressed.

He refused to go (didn't want to leave kids, fair enough) but eventually the lure of the gf was too much and he unofficially moved in with her. Would still turn up randomly just to keep me on my toes.
I was lucky and had a load of equity in the house and we've both managed to buy another house. It took a year but I have lovely partner and house, dcs are settled, still think hes an arse but bloody hell, it was a shit year.

Op, get something sorted as soon as you can. Even if you get on ok now, emotions run high and not having an escape from him will make everything so much harder.

Annilk Mon 22-Jul-19 22:27:34

I second that...I started a thread a while back about trying to live together when separated and really wanted it to work - but a few months in, it's just awful - too hard, too much resentment and things have got so much worse. It's so difficult financially to work out how to live in separate places but it's not okay to feel tension every day and every moment when your home should be a space where you can be yourself and relax....Sorry Op, maybe someone will come along with a positive experience of this....

Grammarist Tue 23-Jul-19 00:20:26

Just starting in this situation after he told me he's had an affair etc etc. It's horrible. He says he's going to move out but is making no effort whatsoever.

Littlefluffycloudos Tue 23-Jul-19 07:13:24

We’re stuck till next July really due to mortgage tie in. To be honest though we don’t have enough equity in the house for 2 places and with a small child I have no idea what to do. His head is in the clouds as to how we’re going to afford this

NewMe2019 Tue 23-Jul-19 23:16:24

I've just lived this for 6 months. It was awful and I hated it. He had already been sleeping on the sofa so that was nothing new. I just stayed in my room in the evenings or went out. It was stupid little things like getting him to knock before walking in my bedroom. Then I'd feel uncomfortable when he was in there. We agreed I'd get the house but he refused to call in my bedroom, stupid little thing really.

Constant eggshells. I was resentful. We fell out massively a few times then it got swept under the carpet as usual. Sometimes it was fine and we rubbed along like we always had done. I was so relieved when he moved out though.

Been 2.5 weeks now and I'm relishing my space now. Was probably made more awkward because I'm dating someone too. STBEXH was free to date but insisted he didnt want to.

Grammarist Wed 24-Jul-19 14:43:30

How do you go about dating if you're in the same house?

NewMe2019 Wed 24-Jul-19 21:39:55

With great difficulty. Could never have any overnights and time was always limited. I never confirmed where I was going or with whom. As long as ex was home to look after the DCs, I just said I was going out.

fixuplooksharp Sat 03-Aug-19 17:27:35

grammarist same here! Super hard to live together isn’t it. I feel relaxed and happy at home until he comes home from work then I’m on edge and my mood changes. Horrid situation.
He is meant to be moving out but not making any effort or attempts to find anywhere!!

AForest Sat 03-Aug-19 19:22:28

I've been doing this for 18 months. I'm broken, my health is suffering. He is holding me hostage and wearing me down. I am on a sofa bed and he has the main bedroom sleeping like a starfish in the king size bed. I can't afford to move out, he refuses. He made me a totally shit financial offer as he want to keep the house, which would pretty much leave me homeless as I cannot get a mortgage. It is total shit, and I am faced with the option of taking him to court while living in the same house. I can't see an end to it that leaves me in a position to ever enjoy life again. I feel so utterly alone and a complete failure.

fixuplooksharp Sat 03-Aug-19 19:38:46

That sounds so horrid! I really feel for you.
Would your local council help out, could you go on a list for house that way and then at least you could go down the court route without sharing the same house and it being awkward.

AForest Sat 03-Aug-19 21:26:35

@fixuplooksharp I tried that, but as I am still on the mortgage of our home and my ex earns over the threshold I am not eligible unless he beats me up. He really does have me hostage.

fixuplooksharp Sun 04-Aug-19 09:13:46

AForest sorry if i’m suggesting things you’ve already tried etc it’s just that i’m in a similar situation and have been looking into lots of options. If you were to find a house to rent privately you’ll be able to get help to pay the rent from Universal Credit. It’s all very new to me as i’ve never claimed anything before but I’m self employed and have 3 children, they said they’d offer me £159 per week towards rent or paying mortgage of the home i’m in. That amount varies based on your postcode, you should be entitled to some other help to. Again, sorry if you already know, it’s all new to me too.

AForest Sun 04-Aug-19 09:46:05

@fixuplooksharp that is really helpful, thank you. I have three children and I'm self employed too. To rent privately here a 2 bed is £725 a month. I can't afford much more than that even with UC. I am looking into things though as I cannot go on like this. My health is more important. Unfortunately part of my income is based on allowing animals in my home as I do home care. To rent privately I would lose this, but I could probably claim benefits to make up the shortfall and maybe get a different employed job. Thanks again, and I will try and get more info together for what I may be entitled to.

Sorry @Liz79 for the hijack. If you do stay living together I strongly recommend a time limit to work to. For me it has dragged on and on, as STBXH has no motivation to move things on and hasn't responded to my solicitor. Due to other stressful factors, I haven't had the energy or courage to confront him to move things on. We basically live in the same house and ignore each other most of the time. If we didn't there would be more arguing which is bad for the children. Best of luck

fixuplooksharp Sun 04-Aug-19 18:07:37

AForest we should talk! So so weird, I think we do a similar job!! I do home care for dogs as part of my work. As I said have 3 children as well. Very similar situation.

FlowerAndBloom Sun 04-Aug-19 18:39:34

I think this is start with. Prepare for it to be okay for about two months and then descend into a living nightmare. Hurry up and get the finances separated before he becomes resentful of the box room situation

Whateveryoudoordontdo Sun 04-Aug-19 20:06:53

Been doing that for two years now. Getting on better with ex than when we were together. Separate bedrooms, only told DC recently. I'm seeing someone, it's difficult as DC don't know that bit so I always make sure I'm home by 7am so they won't know. Ex knows and accepts that I go off to see someone else but we don't talk about it.

We hope to be able to use ex's inheritance to buy a small flat to use for nesting, i.e. whoever has the kids lives in the house with them, the other one stays in the flat.

Having said all that, I'm desperate for my own space. I'm still doing all the mum stuff and I pay for almost everything as ex's inheritance can only be used for investing, not living costs, and he earns next to nothing.

But it can work, if you both want it to.

AForest Mon 05-Aug-19 18:57:18

@fixuplooksharp that is so strange.. yes we should talk!

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