Husband of 6 weeks left totally lost

[Fth180519]

Hi,

New to net mums and posting so please be gentle!

My husband of 6 weeks (partner of 6 years) and father of our toddler left on Monday night with the words "I'm done" he left that night, went to his mums and came the next day while I wasn't in the house and removed ALL of his sole posessions.

We have since spoken and he has said he has been unhappy for years, felt forced into getting engaged, (4 years ago) having our son and sick of the arguing. I have struggled the last few years with my mental health, starting with anxiety and very recently being diagnosed with depression, which I feel has been the main contributor to our relationship being difficult. He hadn't once told me these feelings to allow me to work on my relationship with him/to get any help with my depression (as I thought I was managing) before just deciding to end it and I'm so hurt. I feel he's made a rash decision and is plucking reasons out of obscurity - maybe to hurt me to make it easier.

I have made steps to getting help being described antidepressants and awaiting counselling. I'm also trying to minimise contact - other than about our son - and pushing myself to do things out of my comfort zone.

I guess I just need some comfort, to know that it gets better and I can be strong for my son. I'm still hopeful that he may want a reconciliation once he's had space and time. Appreciate any comments guys

[EstherMumsnet]

That all sounds very difficult.

Bumping this for you in the hope some people will be along with wise words.

[PicsInRed]

Did his behaviour towards you sour around the time of pregnancy/childbirth? This is often when abusers tighten their grip, as they see your as more dependent, more controllable and they feel more ownership. Some also resent the extra attention given to both mother and child, having been used to receiving all the attention from their partner, friends and also their own family. These types bitterly resent having to.share the spotlight with a pregnant partner/new mother and an infant.

Bluntly, how much would your current mental health problems improve if your husband wasn't such a giant bellend?

[Fth180519]

@PicsInRed no. I never thought of him as an abuser, I always thought he was a good man. The blame he has put on me and awful things he has said have just been since he left/decided to leave.

He always treat me well until this spring when he just decided to put most effort into his hobbies rather than his relationship and family.

[AnyFucker]

Do his "hobbies" involve contact with attractive women by any chance ?

[Winterlife]

You may have postpartum depression. Visit a GP and if you’re depressed, ask for SSRI’s. They changed my life.

I have no words of wisdom about your husband, other than to get child maintenance.

Things will get better, but you need to deal with your depression.

[Pieceofpurplesky]

My exh did this - out of the blue but his mind made up. He also got more involved in a hobby before hand. It was another woman. Be prepared OP The fact he has blamed you is classic narcissistic behaviour

[MayFayner]

Hi OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this.

The only thing I do know for sure is that a man who can leave you like this, out of the blue and with no real discussion, is not someone you want in your life. I know it doesn’t seem like that now.

I was on my own with DD from when she was 8 weeks old. It was hard but also amazing, just the two of us, and I was able to focus entirely on her.

It isn’t what you thought your life was going to be and that’s hard to take in. Just be wary of reconciling with someone who could do this to you

[WineIsMyCarb]

I'm so sorry @Fth180519, that's really terrible. I don't think I have any sound advice but I'm thinking of you and sending

Seek out and accept all the help you can, and know that you are being strong for your son. You are setting him an amazing example of what women - of what people - can do when they are put in such very difficult situations.

Try to look after yourself.

[Herocomplex]

You’ve been married six weeks? That’s awful, I’m so sorry. Have you got family and friends looking out for you?

[DeRigueurMortis]

So sorry to hear this, but it's not an uncommon story.

It's generally re-writing history to make him not seem like the utter twit he is.

I can't say for sure but my money would bet he's having an affair (for quite a while).

Advice....

Gather all financial information.

Go see a solicitor.

Understand your rights.

Then decide what to do when you are not on the back foot.

[Fth180519]

Thanks for all of your messages.

I suspect there's more to the story than just being unhappy too, as have my family and friends.

My perception of relationships/marriage is that no matter how hard they get, you work on them with everything you have and if, after all of that it still isn't right then you leave.

I just feel so lost right now and scared if he can screw us over like this, how can he support us financially and not take this back.

I can't understand if he were having an affair why he wouldn't admit it! Why make me feel that him taking the easy option of leaving is my fault?

Would I also be an absolute mug if I took him back after giving him time and space just to try and keep my family together?

[Herocomplex]

It’s your decision whether to take him back obviously but why would you trust him again? He’s been incredibly unkind to you. I’m still shocked that only six weeks ago you went through a marriage ceremony, making promises to one another in front of witnesses. I think he’s quite cowardly.
I’d need quite some convincing if I were you.

[PicsInRed]

Would I also be an absolute mug if I took him back after giving him time and space just to try and keep my family together?

Unfortunately that's a no win situation.
If you forgive him, he will treat you even worse because he will see you forgiveness as weakness which he will despise.

[PicsInRed]

Why make me feel that him taking the easy option of leaving is my fault

Because cheaters are areholes and cheating often goes hand in hand with gaslighting and other abuse.

[DocusDiplo]

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. The type of man that just walks out probably isn't worth having. It will get easier each day and each week you are separated.

You can take him back but he won't have any respect for you and you deserve so much better.

Get cracking on those antidepressants and concentrate on yourself. Who knows maybe your life will be better without him.

[hadthesnip2]

Wow......
Only took a few posts and he's an abusive, controlling cheat. Only on mumsnet.

[Whatsnewpussyhat]

Did your mental health decline after childbirth? PND? My anxiety kicked off after my first baby was born.
Did GP do blood tests to check for any deficiencies in vitamins etc? Some can make you feel depressed and anxious too.

You may even find that your mental health improves now he has gone.

[Fth180519]

I dont think that's helpful @hadthesnip2 - I personally don't believe he is abusive but I think to blame me when he has chosen to take the easy option of walking away is so cruel and heartless. If you can't say anything positive or constructive or helpful to me, then please do not post

[hadthesnip2]

I wasnt blaming you @Fth180519 - just commenting on the replies you had from the get go.

FWIW he is a twat. You 2 need to talk. That's all I'm saying for now as you dont know the reason he left. It might be because of your Mh or the birth if your child.....it could be he's having problems at work. But you wont know until you get a chance to sit down an talk - without kids or parents around. Just the 2 of you.

[Fth180519]

@Whatsnewpussyhat - I've always had anxiety, could always manage it myself but 6 months prior to falling pregnant things got bad and I couldn't leave the house/had very low self-esteem and relied heavily on my husband to support me - I had online CBT it helped and felt back to old me when I became pregnant.

I had quite a traumatic birth, resulting in a long recovery time. Im not sure if its more PTSD rather than PND but either way things have only really been super bad the last 3 months. (which i mostly put down to the stress of organising a wedding - although it's been worse following the wedding).

I'm awaiting counselling to start (7 week waiting list)

[Xenia]

See a solicitor given the very very very short marriage - you need to ifnd out if the marriage would be annulled or you should divorce and if your husband might apply to annul it (after such a short time - have you had sex in the last 6 weeks i.e. consummated the marriage?).

if it is annulled and your husbnd earns more than you do and has more assets you will be in a worse position than on a divorce. You cannoot divorce by the way in England until you have been married for 12 months but you can start all the preparations and legal side and then wait. Annulment presumably can be started almost right away.

Is he likely to want the child to live with him whilst you work and pay maintenance? Do you own a property together? (Presumably you didn't have a pre nup)

[IWannaSeeHowItEnds]

snip the truth is that when men just up and leave, there's usually another woman somewhere in the background. Not always, but often enough for there to be a pattern.
Putting all the blame onto the person who they have left and giving no clue before leaving that there was even a problem is abusive behaviour since it leaves the OP with nowhere to go emotionally. It's a rewriting of the history of the relationship, where his version bears no resemblance to her's and he isn't even there to discuss it.

OP please remember that you didn't hold a gun to his head and force him to get married or have a baby - these were all choices that he made as a grown arse adult and it's not your fault that he has changed his mind and bailed. It says far more about him as a person than it does you.

If you have a credit card where you are the main account holder, get him off of it today and if you have joint bank accounts transfer the money to your own account and shut the joint one down. You can't trust him now and you have a child to support.
Go through the paperwork and get copies of his wage slips, pension information etc. As a single mum you need to stake your claim on these things since you may be financially disadvantaged by having all the responsibility of parenthood while he swans off back to single life.
I'm sorry - it's hard and horrible to have to think of these things now but sooner the better. Get legal advice and go for everything you are entitled to.

[Fth180519]

@hadthesnip2 thanks. I know you weren't blaming me.

We have tried to talk and sat down for a couple of hours 5 days after he left without anyone else present. That's when he had said he felt pressured into getting engaged, having our son, getting married which i think is hugely unfair.

He said he's done and he was unhappy for years. I wish he'd told me sooner he felt this way so i could have gotten help sooner instead of trying to deal with things on my own.

He's also said he loves me which is confusing - how can you love me if you don't want to give things a chance.

I've suggested a trial seperation so he can have his space and see how things go and eventually, when he's ready to go out just us. But he just says he doesn't want yo give me false hope.

I've asked if there is anything else going on with him (MH, work etc.) he says there isn't. His parents told me he'd barely ate but when I'd asked him about this, he scoffed and said it was bullshit.

[IWannaSeeHowItEnds]

Don't let him annul the marriage if that's even possible. I think the grounds for that are non consummation (which would be difficult for him to prove) or that you entered the marriage fraudulently (again, not true since this is a long term relationship). Annulment would leave you in the position of not having any claim on his asset apart from child support. Don't do it unless you are the wealthier party.

[Fth180519]

Thanks @IWannaSeeHowItEnds and @Xenia.

I don't want an allunment as we will get less than we're entitled to. But the truth is 8 can count on one hand the amount of times we've been intimate this year - and the marriage has not been consummated, though we did try but mother nature called. (TMI- sorry)

We gave a mortgage together and are looking at bills at the end of this week. I'm so worried he's going to leave me with more outgoing than i have coming in. I work part time (30 hours) - his parents have our son 3 days per week and we have childcare costs too. He seems to think once our son is entitled to his free childcare hours I can just go back to work full time and he won't have to pay anything but the pathetic amount of Child maintenance id be entitled to.