How can I stop

[whattodonow1734]

Me and my partner split 5 months ago, due to me believing he was cheating as he was very secretive.
I didn't realise till after how controlling he was but he made me believe I controlled him.
We 2 have children together but he picks and chooses when he wants them and when it suits him if he hasn't made plans.
Our children do not like stopping at his house so I said more day visits but he will not have that.
He is cruel and horrible, laughing at me, telling people I have mental health issues and I have give him the proof he needs as I kicked off due to him laughing and sniggering at me and kept trying to open my door after me closing it so he recorded me!
What do I do?
I feel like a really shit mum and I have give him everything he needs now!
Why have I done it!

[SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad]

How do you stop what?

From what you've written, it sounds as though you perhaps accused him of an affair that he wasn't actually having? That may be where the suggestions of controlling behaviour by you come from.

It's hard to tell from what you've written what really happened when he recorded you. Just how severe was your behaviour when you "kicked off"? If he's laughing at you, then of course he shouldn't be doing that. But was your response disproportionate?

Ultimately, you are responsible for your behaviour. He is responsible for his. You need to stop reacting if he laughs or whatever. Document it, for court. But stay calm. Behave in a way that would always stand up before a Judge as an appropriate, mature way of behaving, that puts the kids first. That's your responsibility - "he made me do it" doesn't wash as an excuse for aggressive behaviour. So take ownership of your own actions.

Take steps to get contact onto a stable footing. You need to agree a regular pattern of contact with him, that you will both stick to. Involve a mediator or solicitor in that if you need to.

Limit flash points, if you two are unable (unwilling) to behave appropriately around one another. Conduct handovers in a way that limits your involvement with one another.

If you do have mental health issues, make sure you're getting treatment for those.

Ignore what he is saying to other people. Lots of people, when they're separating, go around bad-mouthing the other. People generally take it with a pinch of salt. You can't stop him, so focus your energy on the things you can control.

That means constantly putting your children first. In everything that you do, and every interaction you have with your ex, ask yourself what's best for the kids BEFORE you act / respond / retaliate / whatever. If you can do that consistently, things usually work themselves out.

[whattodonow1734]

I now know he was having an affair after we separated but didn't have evidence before we split.
He was trying to open the door whilst I was trying to close it as he does things like this to get a reaction out of it.
I went to mediation and due to my current situation we are unable to go through mediation for my own sake but I have set up dates for the children in which he isn't happy with, no matter what dates I give he isn't happy until he gives me dates as he likes to go a week or sometimes 2 without seeing the kids in which I believe is to long for the children.
It is a shame as he will lose them as he is losing the oldest very quickly as they don't want to go and I don't wish that for my kids.

[IsItBetter]

Hi unfortunately you cannot make someone who doesn't want to see their children spend time with them.

You are best to try to get a regular routine in place that you both agree on, and formalised in an order - if you cannot agree then you (as the resident parent) can effectively dictate when he has the children, but you can't force him to have them when he doesn't want them.

Try to arrange changeovers around school dropoffs and pickups or in public to minimise conflict.

Are you getting maintenance from him?

[whattodonow1734]

Also I dont have mental health issues as he contacted social services to inform them that I do but they agreed it was his behaviour and not my mental health.
They have also seen his behaviour and how he can easily control me and it is all on record with themselves and the police.
My solicitor has advised me to go through court then show all my evidence in court regarding his behaviour ect as I can not do anymore regarding the kids routine apart from my outburst which won't happen again as we won't be seeing him again until court.

[whattodonow1734]

Yes I am getting maintenance as I have gone through csa now, I just wanted routine for them and not as and when as that will do more damage in the end and it is horrible to see them go through this.
I asked for school drop offs ect in which he refused as I suggested it so next step is court unfortunately.

[Bluerussian]

He sounds like a real charmer.

There's not much you can do about it, he'll be bored with it soon enough.
I hope he sees the children regularly once everything has settled down.

Be happy!

[whattodonow1734]

Thank you, I don't know how to reply to each person I'm sorry.
I am happier now than I have been in a very long time until I have to see him .
Hopefully he will have a long hard think about the dates I suggested and go with them but I very much doubt it.

[Oblomov19]

You need to savvy up quickly and learn how to play the game.
He's playing you, and You are falling right into his hands.

[whattodonow1734]

I know I do but I really don't know how to play his games.
He does things and I react in a way that I shouldn't and I need to stop but it is so hard when he is doing this to the kids.
He is picking and choosing when he wants them and doesn't do anything regarding school or after school clubs ect, just the fun bits and putting them to bed when it suits him.
It is so hard, it would be so much easier when he realises the kids and me need routine so we can all get on with new life if that makes sense.

[Itsallchange]

You just need to make sure that you’ve given him the opportunity and that’s all you can do, as PP has said you can’t make him see the kids if he doesn’t want to, make the dates and if he doesn’t keep them be there for your children to pick up the pieces, don’t bad mouth him be the perfect parent. Because they will work it out as they get older and they will remember you have always been there for them and he hasn’t x