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What if a DH doesn’t have the money for maintenance?

(23 Posts)
sweetkitty Sat 22-Jun-19 22:12:46

Asking for a friend, recently separated and has 3 DC, DH works FT but not in a well paying job. He has moved in with the OW and is paying rent on a one bed flat.
He’s giving her way below what the CSA or what it’s called now say as he’s says he can’t afford it as he has rent and other bills to pay.
All contact with his DC is at his old house as he can’t afford to take them out and friend doesn’t want them in the flat with OW, DC are quite traumatised by the split.
I say tough he should pay the maintenance no matter what, if he can’t afford the rent then a) he should get somewhere cheaper or b) move into a flat share or something as his DC should come first.

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sweetkitty Sat 22-Jun-19 22:13:29

Forgot to say I’m just feeling really angry for my friend as she’s struggling with her DC and not having any money.

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Doyoumind Sat 22-Jun-19 22:18:47

He's only being asked to pay a percentage of his income. He doesn't have to agree to it anyway. They can just take it off him even if he doesn't agree. She needs to pursue it.

LaurieFairyCake Sat 22-Jun-19 22:20:57

I'm guessing she's not pursuing it because she doesn't want them to spend time with the other woman?

So basically it's money or that. She doesn't get to decide whether he takes them to his new place but maybe that's a bargain she wants to make?

sweetkitty Sat 22-Jun-19 22:40:20

Yes she’s said there’s no way they are meeting the OW but I know she can’t really say that.

I don’t know how these things work not been in that position myself. I’ve said to her to see a solicitor get legal advice as they are the experts.

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eve34 Sun 23-Jun-19 07:44:09

The Cms can take the money directly from his employer. He won't like it. But it means she gets the money and doesn't have to engage with him over it.

As for contact what he does in his time is up to him. And although he should spend time with the kids and build on the relationship if he wants ow involved that is his choice.

Namechangeforthiscancershit Sun 23-Jun-19 07:47:32

Of course he can afford it! She might not like the conditions that go with it but he is their father.

Rainbowqueeen Sun 23-Jun-19 07:57:34

You are right
What are all these bills he has? How much of that is wants not needs ?? It’s possible if she pursues it through CSA he will just pay up and contact will remain the same.

If it doesn’t, I’m sad for your friend but she can’t control his contact and who the kids meet

sincethereis Sun 23-Jun-19 08:00:45

I see why your friend isn’t going hard for CMS.

If she does, EX will probably start bringing the kids to meet OW etc which he can do.

I would tell her to go to CMS and accept her kids will now have a step-mother figure. If he earns as little as he says she won’t get much anyway.

blackcat86 Sun 23-Jun-19 08:31:08

She needs to speak to the CMS. You say he's paying below what he should so has she actually made a claim or just told him what the calculation would be and now they have a private arrangement. Either way, CMS can take payment at source before he gets his wages. He's clearly unreliable so your friend has good reason for this. She just needs to contact CMS to get the ball rolling. Money and contact with OW are two separate issues that should have no bearing on each other. Are the DC old enough to raise their objections to their dad and say how they would like contact to be?

millymollymoomoo Sun 23-Jun-19 11:05:08

Is he still paying mortgage/rent/bills on the family home? If so that plus rent in other place is likely to leave not much . What’s the plan going forward ? Do they have house to sell/assets to split/ etc
Does she work ?

On the face of it you’re right and going forward she should claim via CmS if needed but if it’s a new split it might take a bit of time to sort finances going forward on a more permanent basis

Lucked Sun 23-Jun-19 11:10:05

She should pursue the money. He is an established cheat and I imagine he is try to cheat her on money. Him and OW should cut there cloth accordingly.

Sandybval Sun 23-Jun-19 11:12:43

If he moved to a flat share he wouldnt be able to have them over. He should pay, definitely, no questions asked, but this might mean he has to get rid of his flat and just have his place with the OW I'm guessing.

happyhillock Sun 23-Jun-19 11:18:18

She should go after him for money, men get off to easy in this country not paying for there children, even if he doesn't have to pay much at least he's contributing, i know what i would do

InTheHeatofLisbon Sun 23-Jun-19 11:20:59

She needs to go to CMS, but it's not always that simple. There are loopholes and if the NRP is determined enough they'll find them. XH did until I gave up trying.

But he should absolutely be paying for his children. "Can't afford it" implies he pays rent, bills, basic food and then has no other expenditure. I doubt that very much with an OW in tow don't you?

Assuming they never eat out, never go out on nights out, never splash out on clothes or holidays?

sweetkitty Sun 23-Jun-19 13:18:59

She is a SAHM, house is HA rented so no assets to sell, he’s not contributing to rent etc.

He’s basically just giving her a paltry amount on each pay day what he says he can afford. Two of the DC are early teens.

I’ve said the best revenge she can have is to live her best life get back to work and earn more than he does.

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InTheHeatofLisbon Sun 23-Jun-19 14:06:18

I agree with your best revenge, but if possible she should be getting proper maintenance, the kids deserve it.

He sounds like a proper dick.

millymollymoomoo Sun 23-Jun-19 15:27:38

In which case she should lodge a case with cms ASAP

millymollymoomoo Sun 23-Jun-19 15:57:08

And with teenage children she needs to get a job too

sweetkitty Sun 23-Jun-19 20:46:43

I really don’t know why she’s not had a job before now (none of business I suppose) but it’s hard when your friend is complaining about lack of money yet she’s not working. I think she doesn’t want to upset her DC further at the moment by going back to work as they’ve just had the upheaval of their father leaving then to have their mother go out to work, the youngest is having a tough time in particular.
She’ll get a hard time off the benefits office not working with school aged DC won’t she? I don’t know luckily never been in that position but have heard that.
I was a SAHM for years and my DC took it hard when I went back to work but they adapted and realised that it meant they got nicer things. I told them that I needed to work when they were at school and they’ve adapted.

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Frankola Wed 26-Jun-19 21:24:38

She needs to take him to CMS.

She also needs to get herself a job and make some money to contribute to her bills herself.

Happysolstice Thu 04-Jul-19 11:31:28

You said he has the children at his old house ? Does that mean he's operating two homes to facilitate the children not seeing the OW ?? That would drive up his costs and lead to him not being able to afford full maintenance, yes he has to pay it but if your friend went via cms he would have to reduce his outgoings, could you clarify ??

annielouisa Fri 12-Jul-19 18:52:22

Yes I am confused is he living with the OW but also paying the costs on a one bed flat as your friend refuses to let him take the DC where the OW is?

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