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Please tell me your separation success stories!

(27 Posts)
Jamkan29 Sat 08-Jun-19 09:27:17

I'm separating from my DH of 23 years and have three DC aged 17, 14 and 11. I've had thoughts of doing this on and off for many years but I've wavered because he's a good man and father and everyone loves him. But, there's always been a lack of intimacy and connection that I've struggled with endlessly and a level of co-dependency on my behalf which has left me feeling low and lacking in confidence. I've had therapy, taken the anti depressants, analysed myself to death and I still feel a drive to leave. So I told him 8 weeks ago and he's devastated and has spent the whole time campaigning to get me back. I've had moments of real doubt but still I haven't felt a huge drive to reconnect with him or return to what we had so I'm pushing ahead. I've almost found a rental property and we have agreed to tel the DC this weekend. I know they're going to be devastated and I suppose at this point now I'm questioning myself big time. Everyone else on MN seems to be leaving their DH for very significant reasons and I feel mine somehow don't justify the level of disruption I'm going to cause. But I'm not in love with him anymore. Is that enough of a reason? Will the kids be ok?? confused

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Xenia Sat 08-Jun-19 09:35:40

Our went well after 20 years. However my teenage children asked me to divorec their father as he was so awful at home and I was the one of the two of us who wanted a divorce so it was made a lot easier by that.

Do you know if your children will choose to live with him or you? They might at their age want to stay in the family home with him whilst you pay maintenance?

Jamkan29 Sat 08-Jun-19 09:41:00

@Xenia thanks for your reply. We are planning to do 50/50 childcare and I'm hoping my older boys will be happy with that but I suppose I'm prepared for them to say otherwise, as awful as that will be

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Xenia Sat 08-Jun-19 10:15:23

My children have been better not worse off through our divorce. Just make sure you get some legal advice from a solicitor about your specific situation - eg if you think you will be able to stay in the house it may be best not to move out.

Make sure you know all about your finances and his and have copies of pension details, bank accounts, P60s etc

Jamkan29 Sat 08-Jun-19 11:08:50

@Xenia thank you, that's really helpful advice and I'm glad to hear your children have fared well. That gives me hope!

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macchiato34 Sun 09-Jun-19 13:09:36

Hi Jamkan,
I've been separated for 2 years now, both still live in same village, 50/50 split for our young boys, we are still friends and support each other where we can. Both have new partners now. We've had some tricky spells but the boys are doing well, they can see we still get on which really helps. It can work out! Sometimes you have to grit your teeth when you don't agree with decisions your xh makes, but having your own life and space makes up for it. I've learnt a lot about myself smile Good luck! X

Jamkan29 Sun 09-Jun-19 16:04:34

@macchiato34 thank you, it's so good to hear that it can work out well in the end! I'm really hoping the two of us can stay friends and get the same sort of arrangement you have with your DC. It gives me hope!

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iamthrough Sun 09-Jun-19 18:10:42

Hi. My situation was very similar to yours. Married 20 years together for 27. For lots of complicated reasons I just didn't love him anymore. Please don't feel you have to justify your separation. You have your reasons and that is enough. We've been separated over a year now actually divorced about 7 months. We have kids similar age to you. We have 50/50 arrangement. The kids have coped brilliantly and are now settled in their routine. I felt I had to let go a huge amount In our separation and at times I felt I was compromising too much. However because I was like this we had a relatively quick divorce and we are now both moving on with our lives. You will have tough times... And the "nice man" you currently know may turn out to be anything but that during the process. Be prepared for that. A top tip a friend gave me was now... Right down your reasons for leaving. Vent and be honest why you want to leave. Then keep it private. After you are done it will help to remember the why! Feel free to PM me.. Our situations sem so similar.

Jamkan29 Sun 09-Jun-19 22:48:49

@iamthrough hi and thanks for your message. The idea about writing down my reasons for leaving is good advice and I'm going to do that. Also I got a glimpse just yesterday of his nice veneer slipping and it's made me feel slightly differently about it all. Perhaps more determined but also that I need to make sure I get the financial side of things sorted out properly. So I think I am preparing myself for worse to come with him. Your situation does sound very similar and intriguing and I would really like to PM you. I'm new to Mumsnet and crap with IT so I'm not sure how to do that! hmm

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Nat6999 Sun 09-Jun-19 23:03:59

Separation is a bit like ripping a plaster off, get it done as quick as possible. Dragging it out makes it more painful & creates more bitterness. Once you have made your minds up, get it over & done with & you can both focus on your future lives.

iamthrough Mon 10-Jun-19 14:59:48

Hi @jamkan29. Don't worry! I've sent you a message - If you click on "my Mumsnet" on right hand corner it should show in your inbox. Then it should be easy to reply if you wish.

Jamkan29 Tue 11-Jun-19 07:10:38

@iamthrough thank you, I've messaged you!
@Nat6999 I think you're right about ripping off a plaster. I first told him 8 weeks ago that I wanted to leave but I've not been able to find a suitable place to live with the kids so it's dragging. We told the kids last night we were splitting up and it was truly awful. I'm really struggling with the fact that it's my decision alone which seems to have left my DH and 3 DC devastated. I feel so selfish right now and I've lost sight of why I wanted this in the first place. Is this normal after telling the kids? Will they be ok in the end?

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bollocksitshappenedagain Tue 11-Jun-19 07:24:23

I split a year ago. My dd are 8 and 12 and honestly they appear to have been fine. No disruptive behaviour noticed at school
or at home. Home is a happier place now and I think they feel that.

He has started taking them out with his new girlfriend and they are struggling with that.

Jamkan29 Tue 11-Jun-19 14:51:49

@bollocksitshappenedagain hi, it's good to hear your kids have fared so well, although I was a bit surprised that a year on they are struggling with the new partner. I guess I hadn't figured that into the equation so it's helpful for me to hear that. I suppose it's just a time thing like everything else?

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bollocksitshappenedagain Tue 11-Jun-19 18:34:15

@Jamkan29

It's not the fact he has a new partner in itself I think they are finding it weird going out as in effect a family unit but her not me.

It's not helped by him thinking I was making it up when I told him - the youngest had told me she felt she couldn't tell him as he liked her. It's not they dislike her as a person they are just finding it weird!

Jamkan29 Wed 12-Jun-19 09:43:19

@bollocksitshappenedagain yes it must be weird for the children to see their Dad with another woman and not you. Have your kids seen you with a new partner yet? Our of interest how have you felt about your ex being with another woman? I've got to get my head around this idea and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

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bollocksitshappenedagain Wed 12-Jun-19 10:51:25

@Jamkan29

I honestly have no feelings he is with someone else. I initiated the split and in all honesty I should have done it a long long time before. The marriage had been dead for a long time.

My only issue is he basically does bugger all with them (think just sit at his mums house) other than the two times he has taken her.

He was meant to take them to an attraction for at least the last 18 months however has never booked anything and only does now he is taking them with her and her children (another whole level of annoyance given they are already struggling just seeing the two of them together!)

I haven't even thought about meeting anyone yet - I work full time in a demanding job so often evenings and weekends extra hours to compensate for time's i am doing school runs - he has them probably about 4 hrs a week on average. No overnights until he finds somewhere to live. So my life just feels full up already!

In the last few years with him I think I had got very run down - he was depressed and had alcohol issues so to be honest I had so much to pick up at home that he didn't do that social stuff slipped. So recently I have decided that I need to make more of an effort to start getting out - even if it's just meeting friends for a quick coffee.

iamthrough Wed 12-Jun-19 16:20:04

My ex started seeing someone while we were separated and still in the same house - about 4 months after I asked for a divorce. Like @bollocksitshappenedagain I don't have any feelings either way about her. it just confirmed to me I was doing the right thing seeing him move on so easily. I have no idea if they are still together - couldn't give 2 figs either way TBH as long as we're both moving on and the kids are ok that's all that's important

crimsonlake Wed 12-Jun-19 17:10:18

Can I ask why it is you who are leaving the family home? Even if you are the one instigating the separation that should not necessarily be the case. Have you really thought this through, especially concerning the finances. Do not move out until the finances are sorted, please seek legal advice first about this.

Jamkan29 Wed 12-Jun-19 17:30:34

@crimsonlake hi, I am moving out as I need to be near my daughters school which is 30 minutes away and I have a vision problem which means I can't drive in poor light. It makes sense for me to do this and actually I don't want to be in the marital home anymore. We will be selling it in future. We have agreed everything with the finances and are seeing a mediator to formalise the process.

@iamthrough and @bollocksitshappenedagain its helpful for me to hear that neither of you care about your ex being with someone else. Did you feel that as soon as they were with a new partner or has that feeling grown over time since you've moved out?

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bollocksitshappenedagain Wed 12-Jun-19 18:30:25

He moved out about 5 days after I made the decision to split.

I stayed in the house with the girls and he went to his parents. It was pretty quick - 5 days after I said I wanted to split. He met this woman online about October / November I think - told me December. So 6 months after we split.

Tbh knowing the state of his mind at the time he met her he should have been focusing on sorting out his problems not jumping headfirst into another relationship but that's his / her problem!

iamthrough Wed 12-Jun-19 22:04:50

Good to hear you have a plan with finances @Jamkan29. Do be careful though and make sure you get advice before agreeing anything. Like @bollocksitshappenedagain I think my ex jumped into bed with the first pretty girl that gave him the time of day.... He was very needy and I'm sure she filled a gap for him. At the time I found out my ex had the audacity to deny it but by then I didn't care anyway. Weather they're still together now or in the future is no longer my business. We communicate fairly civilly about the children... All practical stuff about what needs to happen in the following week but apart from that we don't speak at all. Weird but I can honestly say I don't miss him which is weird after 27 years ist it?

Jamkan29 Wed 12-Jun-19 22:52:10

I guess the fact you don't miss him at all @iamthrough definitely says you did the right thing in splitting up. Seems like the men move on pretty quickly to another woman!

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bollocksitshappenedagain Thu 13-Jun-19 05:40:59

@iamthrough

I'm with you! It sounds really sad to say but my ex was not that involved in family life so it really doesn't feel much different without him here!

Itsnotme123 Thu 13-Jun-19 08:44:54

Jam, I was married 30+ years. your reasons for leaving sound the same as mine. I didn’t feel an intimate connection with my ex either, and I just didn’t feel in love with him. But at least yours campaigned to get you back, mine didn’t bother.

I walked out of the mfh and didn’t look back, we all have our personal reasons why we do things that suit us. I have grown up children, and only after 16 months they are now getting used to the idea.

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