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Reporting ExH to the police

(20 Posts)
Whydonttheycomewithamanual Fri 07-Jun-19 13:28:42

Here goes - I'm new to all this so please bear with me

I reported ExH to police for harassment due to incessant toxic phone calls/texts/messages etc. 1st officer, not too bothered about it so left it at the 'just so it is on file' kind of stage. Fast forward a week and its getting worse so I ring it in again.
2nd officer couldn't have been more different, definitely harassment and could apply for a non-mol order. However I decided that maybe the police speaking to him may be enough to get the desired effect - just for him to stop.
Fast forward 3 weeks and I finally get a call from the 1st officer to tell me that ExH has been spoken to that day.
Had a message from ExH saying no harassment will be logged against him and he's been told by the officer that I'm taking him to court over custody.
I'm not going to court over custody and told him as such.
Then ExH messages again 2 days later to say police have been back in touch with him to say he's done nothing wrong but that I'm going to family court.

I guess I'm asking if this would be the case? Surely if he had done nothing wrong, the police would have contacted me to say there is no case to answer and wouldn't have rang him. And surely knowing the situation, they wouldn't have disclosed family court etc even if it was true? I've asked for an update on my incident number, but may be this time next year by the time I get an answer I suppose.
Has anyone any similar experience?

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Whydonttheycomewithamanual Sat 08-Jun-19 01:06:30


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Weenurse Sat 08-Jun-19 01:09:53

Sorry, no experience with this. I hope you get some helpful advice

Thedilemma111 Sat 08-Jun-19 01:10:15

You need to speak to the police to clarify the situation and log the further contact from your ex H

Thedilemma111 Sat 08-Jun-19 01:10:46

Sorry I don’t speak from experience but is probably what I would do

Thursday4567852 Sat 08-Jun-19 01:13:04

They could have issued an harassment warning too him? Essentially the police say that is the spirit of crime prevention they are letting him know that an allegation has been made but no formal action is being taken. Police also say that they won’t comment on the truth of it all etc.
Could he jsut be winding you up re the family court and testing you to see what you did say? If that makes sense?

Tavannach Sat 08-Jun-19 01:13:05

The duty sergeant at the police station should be able to help clear it up for you. Sounds very muddled and you may want to access their records to check all is correct.

OldAndWornOut Sat 08-Jun-19 01:15:14

Possibly your ex is trying to get a reaction out of you by saying these things; hoping it'll spark a conversation, of sorts.

Probably best to check it out though, and let the police know he has contacted you.

Molly333 Sat 08-Jun-19 08:31:04

My ex did this to try and unnerve me to Make me feel i had no support . Keep logging it all with the police , i did and thank god i did as one night he text me rambling nasty scary messages at 3am that made me scared ( he was actually living with his new woman then). I called the police they went round and woke them both up and told him he has history of this and it has to stop. It did. Nowadays i think how bloody dare he make me scared in my own home with 2 little children. He is a nasty bully and you need to stand firm put boundaries up seeks refuge support and read why does he do that

ItsInTheSpoon Sat 08-Jun-19 08:34:19

Could your ex be lying about what they said?

TooTrueToBeGood Sat 08-Jun-19 08:35:19

Don't assume your husband is telling the truth. Log every single call and text from him and continue to report to the police. Are you going for a non-mol?

LemonTT Sat 08-Jun-19 09:30:09

The first point to bear in mind that the reason the police are not taking action is because that is what you decided. This was a decision in your control and his fate is still in your control. You decided not to escalate it and you can decide to escalate it. This is you in charge not him. He is just too stupid to know it.

Potentially the 1st officer may have acted unprofessionally when he spoke to your ex, referencing other issues he has dealt with. For example telling him that his behaviour will count against him in any court action. This could then have been a cue for the ex to believe this is what you intended. Or, the police officer could have said you were assuming that is the case.

But you know that you ex is trying to intimidate you and this is continued part of that behaviour. The warning has not stopped him.

You need to report this and provide evidence of his communications. Clearly a non mol is the next step. At the time of reporting you can ask for assurance about how they handled the chat with him. If you are still unhappy with this officer make a complaint, at superintendent level or above.

If you have a trusted friend or family member seek their support. There are also organisations like Women’s Aid who can help.

Whydonttheycomewithamanual Sat 08-Jun-19 10:56:57

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I do know that it's me that has prevented further action as I believed stupidly that him 'being spoken to' by the police may have been enough - clearly this isn't the case. So if it carries on, I'll be applying for the non-mol - no hesitation this time.
I'm still waiting for the update on my incident, so until that comes there isn't much I can do.
At the end of the day, I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth and haven't for a very long time.

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Sat 08-Jun-19 15:09:30

If the police have spoken to him and told him not to contact you and he's still contacting you you need to also report this to the police. don't reply to his texts, just tell the police.

Whydonttheycomewithamanual Sat 08-Jun-19 17:17:01

Zero contact in this case is not really possible as we have 2dc involved. He just keeps using the guise of 'it concerns the children' to get around the possibility of it being seen as harassment!
It's just so bloody frustrating!

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PicsInRed Sat 08-Jun-19 18:03:02

Mine is the same.

Uses the expectation that we "coparent" with our abuser as an excuse for further abuse. The police call this a "conversation". Of course, were I to stop having that "conversation", ex would complain to the court that I was not providing information and involving him in decisions and I would risk reduced contact. I send a question or information and I get threats (cleverly non physical), nasty comments and sarcasm back. I don't know what the answer is, but I understand the frustration. Hopefully the courts will begin to catch up with the growing awareness of coercive control.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Sat 08-Jun-19 18:31:16

A non molestation order IS zero contact.

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 08-Jun-19 19:29:31

I struggled with getting my ExH's harrassement stopped as the police stared well you have a child you can't have no contact.
I will only use email to communicate with him and I never reply immediately. It is not perfect, but it does improve things.

ohwhattodowithmylife Sat 08-Jun-19 23:46:02

Sounds similar to when I first reported my ExOH hw told me all
Sorts of things that that police said to him which made me feel I was in the wrong or being silly.
I spoke to the police who confirmed they had said no such things. He was just twisting and manipulating the situation. Speak
To the police again and follow this advice. Good luck

Whydonttheycomewithamanual Sun 09-Jun-19 11:43:28

My gut tells me that what hes telling me has been said is a load of rubbish. I mean why would the police contact him at all if he hadn't done anything wrong - surely they'd come back to me and say we won't be pursuing this as theres no case to answer. I cant believe knowing that this is a harassment complaint that they would inflame the situation by mentioning court / access / custody.
I feel like my only option as he's continuing to contact me about stuff other than the kids is to go for a non-mol, but in turn that's forcing me down the court route for access to be put in stone as to eliminate the need for contact.
With the kind of messages hes been sending of late I guess this wouldn't be the worst thing as they're making me question his state of mind and that would all be taken into account I suppose.
Sorry for waffling - it's amazing what time on your own being allowed to think drags up!

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