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Where do I stand and what to do?(8 Posts)
I’m currently divorcing my narcissist ex who has recently started a serious campaign to try to destroy me financially!
1. He’s self-employed and been dodging the tax man for years. Up ‘till recently, I was given a weekly amount which he’s now halved, claiming that based on his apparent salary (which, conveniently, is just enough to prevent him paying tax at the higher rate) is all I’d get if I went through the CSA. We have no house together or other shared assets, as he owned everything he has before we were married. He did buy himself a house recently but I’m sure he managed to keep me out of that so I have no claim on it later.
2. He’s been leasing a car for me in his name for 3 years, which he is now demanding I give back. I have no savings or access to money to buy a car so would have to take our daughter around on public transport once he does this. He has been threatening to take the car back for some time and has now said he wants it back TOMORROW!
3. Private school fees come out of my bank account as he’s always given me the cash. This term; he refused to pay and I had to beg my friends and family for cash to avoid financial ruin (unarranged overdraft, additional fees and humiliation at the school). He’s refusing to pay any further fees and I can’t take her out until December even if I gave notice now, so I’m going to get into further debt paying off next term’s fees. I told him that he is punishing his daughter, not me, but I am happy to transfer to a state school if he wants to carry on playing this game. At first, he ignored my messages and has since asked if my parents can help him pay the fees in future. I told him that this is not an option.
4. He sees our daughter each week, one week she told me that he wouldn’t share his water with her because he said he didn’t want her spit going back into his drink. The next week, she told me that he’d eaten in front of her and not given her any food to eat. She came back in a really bad mood and extremely hungry. I was so upset, thinking that he’d treat his own child like this, especially if this is his way of getting to me. I haven’t raised these issues with him as he’s a compulsive liar and would deny them anyway, however, I did also wonder if there was any chance our daughter could have gotten it wrong? Do 4 year olds lie?
5. My solicitor doesn’t seem to be doing very much. I’ve emailed him for help but he’s just said “try mediation.” I’ve tried to get the divorce in motion, filled in solicitor’s contracts and sent money over but my emails and calls are ignored, with me getting the occasional “out of office” response. Are all solicitors this slow or is it just mine? I almost got through on the phone the other day, then was told that he’d get back in touch later. I then emailed asking for confirmation that he has received everything and is working on my case... I received a response stating that he’s out of the office for the next week now!
I don’t know if this is due to having been gaslighted and lied to by my husband for years but I find myself questioning my own reality at times! Any advice would be much appreciated, thanks.
I have no advice but wanted to send hugs. He sounds like a horrible person! What POS denies their own child food? I'd start a journal of this stuff so you have it if needed later. Definitely put that incident in the journal.
Thanks for the hugs... much appreciated right now!
The way your solicitor is handling this isn't normal.
Hire another one.
Tricky situation. Different solicitor for sure and maybe mediation. Mediation is finite and if that doesn't work you are looking at court. I would be interested to know about the house he's just bought - would be interesting to know if you are entitled to half . Do you work?
It might be worth contacting the school say the head of pastoral care to see if you can get some support for your children about his behaviour and also whether there could be any discretion about fees given that he is making it tricky to pay. I wonder what their contract says?
I am in a similar situation delete narcissist insert sociopath or borderline (both of which I believe may be narcissistic..)
Can't help but also sending hugs. I would call around solicitors because you need someone who can deal with self employed tax dodgers, the only way you can get a bit more certainty is for school fees and car allowance to be written into his divorce agreement on top of cm but unless he willingly does this (unlikely) they will only order it if affordable which it isn't on declared income. I would though raise safeguarding concerns if he may be depriving a child of food or drink, this isn't a petty matter
Solicitor finally got in touch, apologising profusely for taking so long and sent him a letter free of charge because of this. She gave him a few weeks to respond but it seems like he’s dragging things out and bought himself a month now! He’s also started showing up at the school at the same time as me, demanding to take the child there and then. We were meeting in a public place prior to that but he’s clearly tired of playing nice, since he can’t insult me in front of a cafe full of people!
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