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Child maintenance stopped

(14 Posts)
pomegranatepie Fri 17-May-19 11:25:53

My ex quit his well paid job, and is currently living off his share of the proceeds from selling the family home whilst planning on starting a food truck business. As he is no longer earning, child maintenance services have told him that he no longer needs to pay any maintenance. Ds lives with me, and stays Wednesday nights and Saturday nights with his dad. I have taken on more work so that I can make up the money, and assumed that his dad could help out with childcare on these days (picking ds up from school etc) as he is not working, but have been informed "I'm not your babysitter". Obviously he is being a twat, and all of this reminds me of why I kicked him out in the first place, but given that I really wanted to avoid going through court and to be as amicable as possible I just don't know how to deal with this. Just waiting on decri nissi, no fault two years separation divorce, clean break with finances. I had the larger share of the money from the house sale, I think it ended up being 60/40 split. Am I being unreasonable to expect more from him?

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mummmy2017 Fri 17-May-19 11:36:02

Sorry , but you can't make a fool help you...
He is allowed to say your time you sort it..

pomegranatepie Fri 17-May-19 11:40:47

Argh. I know. He has also booked three holidays over the next few months, without ds, and which mean he will not be here to look after him on the nights he usually does. Which means I have to sort extra childcare so I can work.

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pomegranatepie Fri 17-May-19 11:41:28

I suppose I should have said "your time, you sort it"

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ScreamScreamIceCream Fri 17-May-19 13:06:00

Unfortunately your ex thinks he's punishing you by being an idiot. He doesn't realise he's punishing his relationship with this son.

As his behaviour will continue long term just get on with you life as best as you can expecting absolutely nothing from him.

Don't bitch about him to your son as your son will learn when he's a teenager that his father is a-hole.

Also expect his father to say your mum stole my money when we divorced. Again wait until he is a teenager before you say anything and then simply say the government expects parents to pay to house their children first when they are divorced that's why the Court split our money the way they did. Don't go into further details.

pomegranatepie Sat 18-May-19 17:33:06

I think that is the key, to not expect anything from him. I had been expecting the child maintenance to stop for some time, he had been threatening it, and found a way to legally wiggle out of it, so although it makes life tricky it's not a massive shock at least. I guess I am just disappointed that he doesn't want to help by spending time with his son, who adores him. The split of the house finances were agreed out of court, and the reason for the unequal split was that I had been paying the mortgage for two years after he moved out and had carried out improvements which increased the value in that time. It was all reasonably amicable, I don't think he feels hard done by. I hope not.
I just feel that he is bowing out of his financial responsibilities in order to follow a pipe dream, and has no intention of supporting his son through helping out with childcare either, putting all the responsibility on me. It's exhausting and stressful. My son is four, and I wouldn't dream of bitching about his father to him. Is there anything I can do in this situation to get more support from him, not necessarily financial, or am I dreaming?

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Weenurse Sun 19-May-19 00:37:03

You’re dreaming.
Expect nothing and you may be pleasantly surprised when he steps up to the plate.
It is sad that this is the default position for many parents post split.

Lorry123 Sun 19-May-19 15:17:44

I could have written this exact post as I have found myself in the same position in the past few days. My ex is controlling and abuse - classic narc - and has been underpaying for years based on the fact he pays himself in divs and therefore his taxable income is low. Now he has notified me that all monthly CM payments will cease as his company is struggling and he is not paying himself. This may well be the case but he has also been waiting for the opportunity to stop paying for years - he doesn’t see it as money for his kids - he sees it as money for me.

I expect nothing, and actually this was his last bit of control over me so now that’s gone I can dance to my own tune and not his anymore

pomegranatepie Sun 19-May-19 18:11:31

That's what I find the most frustrating, he has always seen it as money for me, and resented it. I have been working towards being in the position of not needing it anyway, I hated having to depend on him, but I do feel as though he should be contributing towards his son in some way.

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Leftielefterson Sun 19-May-19 18:15:47

Bloody hell it infuriates me to hear parents doing this to their children. He sounds like a complete shit OP. Plan to have nothing and hope he will develop a conscience.

Whilst there have been some changes to maintenance in recent years those changes did not go far enough. Self employment is a huge issue as income can be hidden.

Sally2791 Sun 19-May-19 21:07:00

Mine has just been dragged kicking and screaming to having to pay maintenance. Of course he won't pay for the eldest as he's at college. Completely sees it as "giving me money" and says he would like 50/50 care. However they don't! Also being a twat about other divorce finances.
Somehow I had forgotten that he would continue to be the same a * after divorce as before. ...does it ever stop when you leave a controlling abuser?

pomegranatepie Sun 19-May-19 21:18:25

So far not. I don't know why I'm always surprised at his shitty controling behaviour, given the reason I ended it was because of his shitty controling behaviour. I just hope to hell that he doesn't behave in the same way towards our son, though starting to see some evidence of it already. He threatened to leave him at the petrol station yesterday while he was having a tantrum, ds was really upset when he dropped him off sad

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Weenurse Sat 25-May-19 03:50:44


Palaver1 Sat 25-May-19 06:22:35

You can and will give your children your time .love ,train and care. you will and do give them shelter ,feed and keep them warm.
Without the maintenance money you will still do all the above and more.
You might just have to think smarter by providing less extras like holidays and material things.I hate to say it but sometimes think off the other person who refuses to provide as one who is no more.
If on the other hand they have a good relationship ship with the child you will have to ignore and hope they change but for now expect nothing children grow up really quickly,

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