Right to be consulted over schools, medical decisions, etc

[unclemontyscrumpets]

Hello all.

I'm after some general advice on behalf of my DH, please. His ex has a long history of not involving him in decisions about their children-where they first moved away to after the split, nursery & school applications, whether or not to have flu jabs, GP registrations, etc etc.

She has made mostly uncontroversial decisions so far (though the initial move to the middle of nowhere wasn't ideal!), but he is concerned that if something more serious came up, she would continue in this vein of unilateral decision making. When he eventually finds out that these decisions have been made (usually from the children), he always follows up with the relevant authority to ensure he has all the information, but of course by then whatever decision it is has already been made. In particular, he is concerned that she will go ahead and decide on a high school without telling him.

Sooo long story short, does anyone have any knowledge about or experience in protecting his right to be consulted? He knows he can go for court orders on specific matters, but he would rather get ahead of these things if he can. Can anyone recommend something that might help him generally, to force encourage her to consult him? Thanks.

[unclemontyscrumpets]

Oh yes sorry, he does have PR.

[ScreamScreamIceCream]

Does he have a Parenting Plan with her?

[colditz]

If they live with her, she does need to make the decisions, as she's the one who has to implement them.

[Llareggub]

How long have you been around? I only ask as my exDH was pretty uninvolved and as much as I tried to involve him in decisions he just wasn't that engaged. Fast forward five years and he has a new wife and babies and suddenly he is Mr Involved and wants to be consulted on everything. It's frustrating, because I'd got used to muddling on through. What's worse is that his wife considers herself to be an equal decision maker.

Where do the kids spend most of their time? I'd definitely want to be involved in the bigger stuff but if the kids are with her most of the time it would be a real PITA to consult over every small detail.

[stucknoue]

It has to be in perspective, even when married you don't make all decisions jointly, I certainly made 99% of all medical and education decisions up to early teens and then the kids jointly chose, be honest you don't discuss shall I go to the gp? The only time we discussed stuff is where there isn't a clear cut path eg dd joining the navy under 18 (parental consent needed). Now he's walking away, not any different, I noted dd chose me as next of kin then her grandmother, she knows he's useless!

[NotBeingRobbed]

Does he see the children? If not it is unreasonable to expect her to not make some independent decisions. Interesting that you are posting here on behalf of your husband, rather than him seeking advice about his own children.

[Romax]

children), he always follows up with the relevant authority to ensure he has all the information,

I’m curious. When has this happened?

[Romax]

So far he has prevented DD from having a brace and demanded details of her menstrual cycle.

Oh come on. No he can’t demand details of her menstrual cycle

So she’s in her teens? Did she want the brace? If so, you, as her mother, take her to get the god damn brace put on.

[Romax]

Or rather he can demand, but you don’t need to oblige.

[Romax]

He has also prevented her from having her latest HPV vaccination. She is able to consent to this herself but due to his interfering I will now have to pay privately.

How on earth did he prevent this?

[Hiphopopotamous]

Surely if the DC are ordinarily resident with their mother, she will be sorting the majority of transport to and from school - if so, it's right that she makes the decision about schooling rather than the father?

[slipperywhensparticus]

Romax he can tell the school he doesn't consent that's it

[slipperywhensparticus]

Dont the children say which high school the prefer? And wont it be the catchment school anyway?

[NotBeingRobbed]

It does strike me that the OP and her husband are more concerned with exerting power over this lone parent, rather thanks supporting the children. A lot of talk about rights. But with rights come responsibility. A responsible parent makes the decisions for the children s/he is raising when the need arises.

[Romax]

Although a parent is asked to sign the consent form, it is legally the girl's decision as to whether or not she wants the vaccine, as long as she understands the issues involved in having it.

It needs one parent consent. And the girl to agree to have it done.

You don’t need to pay privately. You can have done at your GP’s if you daughter missed it at school.

[NotBeingRobbed]

@prosperinapontypridd I think I’d demand the details of his bowel movements in return!


Of course we joke - but in reality this is all horribly controlling and oppressive.

[unclemontyscrumpets]

Right, it looks like posting on here was a terrible idea!

He's just trying to be a good and involved parent, I'm sorry this seems to have triggered so many people.

[Romax]

Right, it looks like posting on here was a terrible idea!

A terrible idea insofar as we haven’t told you what you want to hear

[Romax]

triggered

[Llareggub]

Personally I would try being the most reasonable person in the history of reasonable people, ever, and remembering that this is what is right for the child, not the mother or father.

[unclemontyscrumpets]

I am curious though- do you guys really think that a RP should be allowed to choose which schools a child goes to, without involving or even informing the NRP? Even in the case where the NRP sees them 2 nights a week and EOW, always pays maintenance, etc? Really?

[MilkTwoSugarsThanks]

do you guys really think that a RP should be allowed to choose which schools a child goes to, without involving or even informing the NRP?

I do. Honestly. It's the RP who has to deal with the school on a day-to-day basis not the NRP.

And it really is a control 'thing'.