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Right to be consulted over schools, medical decisions, etc

(34 Posts)
unclemontyscrumpets Wed 24-Apr-19 21:02:38

Hello all.

I'm after some general advice on behalf of my DH, please. His ex has a long history of not involving him in decisions about their children-where they first moved away to after the split, nursery & school applications, whether or not to have flu jabs, GP registrations, etc etc.

She has made mostly uncontroversial decisions so far (though the initial move to the middle of nowhere wasn't ideal!), but he is concerned that if something more serious came up, she would continue in this vein of unilateral decision making. When he eventually finds out that these decisions have been made (usually from the children), he always follows up with the relevant authority to ensure he has all the information, but of course by then whatever decision it is has already been made. In particular, he is concerned that she will go ahead and decide on a high school without telling him.

Sooo long story short, does anyone have any knowledge about or experience in protecting his right to be consulted? He knows he can go for court orders on specific matters, but he would rather get ahead of these things if he can. Can anyone recommend something that might help him generally, to force encourage her to consult him? Thanks.

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unclemontyscrumpets Wed 24-Apr-19 21:09:54

Oh yes sorry, he does have PR.

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ScreamScreamIceCream Fri 26-Apr-19 00:02:14

Does he have a Parenting Plan with her?

colditz Fri 26-Apr-19 00:17:00

If they live with her, she does need to make the decisions, as she's the one who has to implement them.

Llareggub Fri 26-Apr-19 00:24:27

How long have you been around? I only ask as my exDH was pretty uninvolved and as much as I tried to involve him in decisions he just wasn't that engaged. Fast forward five years and he has a new wife and babies and suddenly he is Mr Involved and wants to be consulted on everything. It's frustrating, because I'd got used to muddling on through. What's worse is that his wife considers herself to be an equal decision maker.

Where do the kids spend most of their time? I'd definitely want to be involved in the bigger stuff but if the kids are with her most of the time it would be a real PITA to consult over every small detail.

stucknoue Fri 26-Apr-19 08:55:30

It has to be in perspective, even when married you don't make all decisions jointly, I certainly made 99% of all medical and education decisions up to early teens and then the kids jointly chose, be honest you don't discuss shall I go to the gp? The only time we discussed stuff is where there isn't a clear cut path eg dd joining the navy under 18 (parental consent needed). Now he's walking away, not any different, I noted dd chose me as next of kin then her grandmother, she knows he's useless!

NotBeingRobbed Fri 26-Apr-19 12:40:30

Does he see the children? If not it is unreasonable to expect her to not make some independent decisions. Interesting that you are posting here on behalf of your husband, rather than him seeking advice about his own children.

ProserpinaPontypridd Fri 26-Apr-19 12:52:29

My ex has decided he wants to be involved in decision making. So far he has prevented DD from having a brace and demanded details of her menstrual cycle. Because he can. He has also prevented her from having her latest HPV vaccination. She is able to consent to this herself but due to his interfering I will now have to pay privately.

Why does he want involvement in GP registrations? Most people register with a GP close to their home. As long as he knows which GP the child is registered with, why does he need a 'say'. If he can't trust his ex to perform a simple task like registering a child with a GP maybe he needs to go for 100% residence.

Romax Fri 26-Apr-19 12:57:50

*children), he always follows up with the relevant authority to ensure he has all the information,*

I’m curious. When has this happened?

Romax Fri 26-Apr-19 12:59:31

*So far he has prevented DD from having a brace and demanded details of her menstrual cycle. *

Oh come on. No he can’t demand details of her menstrual cycle

So she’s in her teens? Did she want the brace? If so, you, as her mother, take her to get the god damn brace put on.

Romax Fri 26-Apr-19 12:59:52

Or rather he can demand, but you don’t need to oblige.

Romax Fri 26-Apr-19 13:00:34

*He has also prevented her from having her latest HPV vaccination. She is able to consent to this herself but due to his interfering I will now have to pay privately.*

How on earth did he prevent this?

Hiphopopotamous Fri 26-Apr-19 13:04:01

Surely if the DC are ordinarily resident with their mother, she will be sorting the majority of transport to and from school - if so, it's right that she makes the decision about schooling rather than the father?

slipperywhensparticus Fri 26-Apr-19 13:04:27

Romax he can tell the school he doesn't consent that's it

slipperywhensparticus Fri 26-Apr-19 13:05:30

Dont the children say which high school the prefer? And wont it be the catchment school anyway?

ProserpinaPontypridd Fri 26-Apr-19 13:06:14

He contacted the school and demanded she did not have it. This meant the nurses would not administer the jab on the day. She had to go to the GP and prove she was Gillick competent and will have to pay as the GP does not usually give this vaccine because it is done in schools.

Of course I am not giving him details of her menstrual cycle! Doesn't stop him demanding them.

NotBeingRobbed Fri 26-Apr-19 13:06:46

It does strike me that the OP and her husband are more concerned with exerting power over this lone parent, rather thanks supporting the children. A lot of talk about rights. But with rights come responsibility. A responsible parent makes the decisions for the children s/he is raising when the need arises.

ProserpinaPontypridd Fri 26-Apr-19 13:08:43

It does strike me that the OP and her husband are more concerned with exerting power over this lone parent, rather thanks supporting the children. A lot of talk about rights. But with rights come responsibility. A responsible parent makes the decisions for the children s/he is raising when the need arises.

Quite

Romax Fri 26-Apr-19 13:12:21

*Although a parent is asked to sign the consent form, it is legally the girl's decision as to whether or not she wants the vaccine, as long as she understands the issues involved in having it.*

It needs one parent consent. And the girl to agree to have it done.

You don’t need to pay privately. You can have done at your GP’s if you daughter missed it at school.

NotBeingRobbed Fri 26-Apr-19 13:13:06

@prosperinapontypridd I think I’d demand the details of his bowel movements in return!

Of course we joke - but in reality this is all horribly controlling and oppressive.

unclemontyscrumpets Fri 26-Apr-19 14:24:52

Right, it looks like posting on here was a terrible idea!

He's just trying to be a good and involved parent, I'm sorry this seems to have triggered so many people.

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Romax Fri 26-Apr-19 14:26:03

*Right, it looks like posting on here was a terrible idea!*

A terrible idea insofar as we haven’t told you what you want to hear

Romax Fri 26-Apr-19 14:27:38

triggered grin

Llareggub Fri 26-Apr-19 14:32:24

Personally I would try being the most reasonable person in the history of reasonable people, ever, and remembering that this is what is right for the child, not the mother or father.

unclemontyscrumpets Fri 26-Apr-19 14:35:49

I am curious though- do you guys really think that a RP should be allowed to choose which schools a child goes to, without involving or even informing the NRP? Even in the case where the NRP sees them 2 nights a week and EOW, always pays maintenance, etc? Really?

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