Is it ever right just to settle??

[Itsallchange]

I’m currently going through a divorce with my H, my choice my decision because of how I’m feeling.
I sat down last night and wrote a pros and cons list of why I may stay in this marriage, this was after pressure from friends and family who tell me I’m doing the wrong thing.
Background, together 18 years married 9 and have 4 children, eldest 14 youngest 6.
H has a drink problem, drinks varying amounts everyday starting early in the day (after lunch) but always at least 3 times the recommended amount. Also has a problem with gambling. We do not share the same views on parenting, he does not make me feel beautiful or special, and has left me to bring up the children on my own really, emotionally doesn’t support me. We do not really have an affectionate relationship and I have been having sex with him for long time even when I’ve not wanted to, and he’s been ok with this. Doesn’t like me to have a life outside of the family, and causes us to walk on eggshells. I have also managed all aspects of the household, bills etc.
BUT....he does a lot around the house, diy, cleaning, washing and cooking. Has always paid his share of the bills and works hard to provide financially for the children’s birthdays and xmas. He has always allowed me to make decisions that I wanted like giving up work and changing jobs when I’ve needed to for the children. To the outside world he’s the perfect husband and dad.
So my question is, is it ever right to just settle??

[SimonJT]

In my view no.

I settled for my ex as I thought it was preferable to being on my own. He worked very hard, was brilliant with my son, cooked cleaned etc. Like yours he was fairly controlling, disliked me socialising etc without him, something that was not obvious to an outsider.

I had a few friends who were shocked when I chucked him out, but the only persons opinion who mattered were mine. I have also since discovered he’d been having an affair with a colleague that started in October!

[Itsallchange]

@SimonJT thank you for replying, he doesn’t really get on with our children, and struggles to really understand one of our children who has additional needs. I’ve got a couple of good friends who are very supportive and believe I should absolutely put my happiness and feelings first, but he’s doing very well at playing the victim and I appreciate he’s hurting because he’s very happy to settle even though he’s not happy and doesn’t like a lot about me. And he doesn’t like socialising at all, so it’s not even about me doing it without him. I know deep down this is the right thing for me and the kids but doesn’t help me feeling super guilty and like I should just settle 😩

[Itsallchange]

Oh and I’m not scared of being on my own because I genuinely do not believe my life will change for the worst!

[SimonJT]

Apart from force of habit/what your used to there doesn’t seem to be anything actually worth staying for. I hate being alone and don’t cope with it well, but it’s still much better than being with the wrong person.

[BringMeAGinandTonic]

"Doesn’t like me to have a life outside of the family, and causes us to walk on eggshells."

That alone should be reason enough to leave. I am glad he has some positive traits but all in all you sound unhappy and unloved. Add to it no one should have to walk on eggshells. That's not what a relationship is. He's fine to the outside world, but you're not on the outside world, are you? You're on the inside world with him regularly. Whole other ballgame.

Your friends are right in that you deserve happiness. There is someone else out there who would not only help with the cleaning and finances, but who will make you feel special as well. It is possible to have all those things but you have to take a leap in order to find the happiness you deserve. So ask yourself, are you willing to take that leap?

[Itsallchange]

@BringMeAGinandTonic - thank you it’s taken me some major bravery to say it out loud and I felt empowered and excited for the future. Just when your family go on and on about making the wrong decision and being wrong for breaking our family unit apart it makes you wonder if you can put yourself first. But I am because I’m worth it and my children deserve a happy mum which right now I’m not x

[Glosstwit]

If one of your kids asked you this question what would your reply be? Want for yourself what you would want for your kids

[Itsallchange]

@Glosstwit what a fantastic way to look at thing, there’s quite a lot of behaviours that Ive been trying to justify or accept, when actually if someone was doing that to our DD I’d be fuming!

[Dacquoise]

Hi Itsallchange,

From my own experience having someone pay the bills and do a bit of DIY is not a marriage. Your emotional needs are crucial to your happiness and mental health and if it doesn't feel right to you then leaving is the only option. I have not looked back since getting out of mine although it was extremely difficult.

My ex husband did a very good job of portraying himself as the doting husband and victim when I finally made the break. I lost most of my 'friends' because of it but they didn't realise I was living with a passive-aggressive narcissist who ground me down. Years of therapy later I can see what he did to me. I didn't fully recognise it at the time but I certainly felt it.

So my advice would be to ignore the pressure from others and do what you need to do. Gambling and drinking excessively is certainly not thinking of your needs.

[Itsallchange]

@dacquoise thank you for responding, today’s a tough day. Feel completely alone and so frustrated that I have no control over the process and things are just in limbo. Cannot wait for this year to be over x

[Dacquoise]

It's a horrible experience and very draining so you are bound to feel down. Are you able to get some counselling to help you deal with the feelings? I found therapy so helpful especially when the people around you don't understand your decision to separate from 'Mr Perfect'. I also found new hobbies as an outlet was helpful too.

It took me a long time to get over it but I have to say I am a different person to one I was in my awful marriage. I would never go back and have a wonderful new man in my life who is completely different to the one I married.

You will get through this. Stay strong and take it a day at a time. X