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How to cope with not seeing DC every day

(45 Posts)
VivaVegas Tue 09-Apr-19 07:21:02

My H of 20 years has messed me around for months and we've finally now split.
The bit I hate the most (and there are lots!) are not being able to see my DC every day now, we struggled to have them, and now I have forced to become a part time parent and I'm supposed to just accept it.
H moved out months ago (albeit it was supposed to be temporary) and still after this time I can't cope with it. I hate that I don't see them every morning and get to say a proper goodnight before bed, I hate not being involved in every aspect of their life and having to talk to them via FaceTime.
I make sure I have things to do when I'm on my own as I feel so lonely and the house just seems empty.
I have a weeks holiday booked with them which H is fine about but if he were to want to do the same I would be in bits at not seeing them for so long.
I didn't have kids to become a part time parent (we struggled to have them, lost several babies and were told we would be very lucky if we did) and now he thinks I should just accept all of this.
Any tips on how to accept the new norm and how to not feel I'm just losing so much when I just feel like I've lost everything that was important to me: my marriage/best friend/husband who I thought I'd grow old with and now my DC too.

OP’s posts: |
Singlenotsingle Tue 09-Apr-19 07:24:27

So he's moved out and taken the dc with him? That's very unusual. Why? How old are they?

8FencingWire Tue 09-Apr-19 07:26:45

It will get better. Dare I say you’ll learn to enjoy it.
Last weekend my DD went to her dad’s for 2 weeks. I will/do miss her, but I have plans for these 2 weeks. It’s a very welcome time for myself, to regroup and refocus.
It’s nice to come home to a clean and tidy house, just grab a sandwich, have a long bath, go out to theatre, catch up with chores around the house, see friends etc.
On my own is pretty much relentless. I am enjoying the mental break from all the responsabilities.
It will get better.

twinnywinny14 Tue 09-Apr-19 07:29:46

How is the arrangement split? How frequently and regularly do you not see them? Have you had any interests or hobbies that you would like to have tried or done whilst married? Try to embrace the freedom that child free time gives you, I understand this is not easy and you would prefer to be with your children above all else, but try to give yourself things to look forward to when they are with their Dad. It’s important that they see you are ok with out them so that they don’t end up feeling guilty for ‘leaving’ you x

VivaVegas Tue 09-Apr-19 08:14:25

He has them 2 weekends a month and a couple of nights each week so about 10/12 nights a month.
I guess before I had no tine to myself and now I have loads. I do fill the tine but feel I'm doing it as I have too as opposed to wanting to. Also I'm of an age where all my friends are in relationships and most with children so their free time particularly at weekends is limited.
I hate him so much for doing this to me, I had the DC for over a week last week and it just doesn't bother him.

OP’s posts: |
twinnywinny14 Tue 09-Apr-19 08:49:46

You are doing it because you have to not because you want to, and it will take time to adjust. This is one of the hardest parts of marriage breakdowns, give yourself time

spritesobright Tue 09-Apr-19 11:05:23

I just read one of your comments in another post about your ex's 'beyond repair terminal unhappiness'. I feel like this is the perfect summary of my ex's reasons for leaving the marriage as well.

How long has it been since the separation? I felt exactly the same way after STBXH left and I was horrified at his desire for 50/50 custody. I think time will tell if he's actually serious about it and unfortunately a lot of dads don't maintain this initial enthusiasm.

In our situation, STBXH actually made an effort and became a better parent after the separation and over time I have been able to see that our DDs need him in their life and want to spend time with him so this makes it easier for me when they go away.

I am now dating and have taken up several hobbies (hiking, surfing, yoga) and find that I look forward to the time the girls are with their father so that I can recharge and relax a bit. The mental load of looking after them alone all the time (he has them EOW) was/is quite exhausting.

So 10 months on from the separation I have shifted to wanting the girls to spend MORE time with their father and thinking that a split closer to 50/50 might even be feasible, if he can make it work with his job.

VivaVegas Tue 09-Apr-19 12:19:09

7 months since he moved out but it was supposed to be temporary (or so he told me and I was foolish enough to believe it) so I guess I always had the hope it wouldn't be permanent whereas it is now.

OP’s posts: |
Whoknows11 Tue 09-Apr-19 20:10:01

I'm sorry to say that feeling doesn't really disappear. I'm 4 years down the line and still struggle with not seeing my children all the time. I guess as it wasn't my choice I feel it's unfair for me to just accept it. Sadly though that's all you can do and busy yourself when you're apart from them. I feel your pain x

deadsexy Tue 09-Apr-19 20:58:18

Join the gym, sign up to headspace xx

VivaVegas Tue 09-Apr-19 23:06:21

I go to a gym, I run, I fill my time but that's just it I'm filling time when I should be able to see my DC every day, I wouldn't have had them if I knew I would only get to see them some days.

OP’s posts: |
PrincessScarlett Tue 09-Apr-19 23:17:25

I imagine I would feel exactly the same as you OP. I sometimes daydream about ridding myself of my god awful in-laws by divorcing my DH and then I realise I would lose my kids 25-50% of the time and snap out of my daydream pretty sharpish!

All I can suggest is make the most of the time you do have the children with you. On those days hug them tighter and take delight in there nonsensical chatter. And on the days you don't have them around have some bloody fun yourself.

Ella1980 Tue 09-Apr-19 23:21:53

@Whoknows11

I hear you. Abusive ex took me to court five years ago for full custody (controller) and got 50:50. My boys were just 3 and 6 at the time. They are now 11 and almost nine and it still hurts like mad. But I don't regret LTB. I just wish I had been heard.

VivaVegas Thu 11-Apr-19 07:40:52

It's one of the worst bits of the mess our lives have become as a result of DH crisis whatever that might be.
I'm doing all the things I can think of to try and help me: seeing a councillor, filling my time alone but cannot get rid of the anger and resentment that I have.
I've bought a notebook this week to start writing a diary about how I feel to get it out of my head and to capture the pros and cons of what I need to do next.
To think a year ago I was quite happy and thought we were ok 😢

OP’s posts: |
Oblomov19 Thu 11-Apr-19 07:51:16

Life is actually quite unfair and things are forced on us against our will.
But who are you angry with here? Is it healthy to direct so much anger? Maybe some counselling?
Plus, no need to be a martyr and live through your children. You are a person in your own right and need to live for yourself. Maybe you can't do that right now because of the hurt and anger, but those are very damaging emotions, so you probably need to work on that, to at least try and make it more positive ASAP.

Amongstthetallgrass Thu 11-Apr-19 08:00:19

Viva you actually have them a huge amount - not just some days. You have then way more than he does.

I think you are too dependant on your kids to make you feel better. Kids are not there for that. Invest time in finding who you are. When you kids are older and if you are this intense they will find it suffocating.

Mil devoted her whole life to her two sons, when they moved on and married other women it crushed her. She is a bitter neurotic woman because she invested too much of her self in other people and feels she has been abandoned...

DoctorDread Thu 11-Apr-19 08:19:31

Op my exh refused to adjust his work life in any way to accommodate having my three more that eow. And by eow I mean Saturday morning from 10 until 6pm on the Sunday. That's less than 36 hours a fortnight. I crave the time and would have bitten his arm off for more balance. It's sad that tour relationship has broken down and you seem to be struggling with the reality of that. Keep on with the therapy. It will help you deal with your anger. In time you'll miss them less. If the kids enjoy seeing him, focus on that if you can as that helps shift things in your mind and make it more bearable. I hated it at first but after 8 years I can honestly say I now enjoy the little down time I get!

VivaVegas Thu 11-Apr-19 10:43:29

I don't suffocate them, I work full time so have always enjoyed my weekends as a family and now I only get half of those. I miss spending that time with them,while they are still young and still want to.
I just miss seeing them every morning, helping them with homework etc and being able to have a hug and say goodnight in person every night as opposed to via FaceTime, surely that's just what every mother wants.
I am having counselling but it's just not helping yet.

OP’s posts: |
SnapesGreasyHair Thu 11-Apr-19 11:00:13

My boys go EOW and half of school holidays. I miss them a bit, but I'm also not dependent upon them to make me happy.

OP - you sound far to dependent on them. How old are they?

VivaVegas Thu 11-Apr-19 11:09:48

I'm not dependent, I just miss them particularly at weekends when we would be together and do family stuff and now we don't, is that not normal?
I've gone from having no time to myself to loads and I don't like it, I miss being part of a family. I miss my H too, I miss everything that I thought we had as a family.
I just feel lost and alone and this is just part of it.

OP’s posts: |
NotBeingRobbed Thu 11-Apr-19 17:54:30

Fear of being parted from my kids was the main reason I put up with a bad marriage for a long time. I totally sympathise OP. In the end it fell apart anyway when they were teens and he just walked away and had no interest in them.

SilverGoldBronze Thu 11-Apr-19 18:06:18

It will get better. My DCs are 9 and 7 and ex and I have been separated since the youngest was 18 months old. My ex has them EOW and a usually a large chunk of school holidays (varies according to work schedules etc). For the first couple of months I remember feeling empty, aimless and anxious when they were away from me. I don’t feel that way now and haven’t for some years. I love my DCs to bits but I don’t generally miss them when they’re with their dad. Actually, I relish my child free time and look forward to the break.

Keep on with the therapy OP. I think it will get better once you get used to the new normal. It sounds as if you miss your marriage and the whole family life that went along with it as well as your children.

SandyY2K Thu 11-Apr-19 18:07:59

OP, How old are your DC?

Heratnumber7 Thu 11-Apr-19 18:18:34

I hate that I don't see them every morning and get to say a proper goodnight before bed, I hate not being involved in every aspect of their life

That sounds a bit overpowering actually OP. How old are the children?

Startoftheyear2019 Thu 11-Apr-19 18:27:01

I completely get how awful it would be OP. You don't sound over dependent at all 💐

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