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Bury St Edmunds timeline and can we do the next bit without court

(18 Posts)
nowisthetimetochange Fri 05-Apr-19 12:31:29

I know there is a Bury St Edmunds thread but I was wondering if anyone has just got a date for a decree nisi and when was their application submitted? Mine was the 18th February.

My STBEXH decided to walk out on us last year and the children haven’t seen him since. (He moved to the other end of the country). He has Skyped 3 times. He has a job but chooses to live at home with his Mum and spend his money on a bachelor life style. We’re moving closer to him (it suits me as closer to my family) and I’m sure he’ll want to see the children when it’s convenient but he hasn’t mentioned it...so I’m not sure how to broach the subject...I have a lawyer but feel it will cost a huge amount to do it all through them. I’ve tried to ask a few things from him and got very brief answers. I think contact will have to be slow but I wonder if it needs to be a court order or if I should wait and see.

I would love to have my absolute before I move in August.

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ScreamScreamIceCream Sat 06-Apr-19 22:45:34

You are suppose to go to mediation if you cannot make an informal arrangement yourselves to see the children.

As he's living with one of the children's grandmothers' you could use them seeing her to see him. So if both the grandmother and children are happy to see each other it could be done at a time/times when you know he's not at work. If he then doesn't stick around to see the children then at least they have a relationship with their grandmother.

MrsBertBibby Sun 07-Apr-19 09:38:25

You should hear with a date for decree nisi in the next 3 weeks.

Definitely try mediation about the kids. Do they want to see him?

nowisthetimetochange Sun 07-Apr-19 10:34:59

To begin with they messaged him every day but now it’s only when I remind them. He just seems to be waiting for me to move closer (and I think he’s lucky it happens to be convenient!). They’re 11, 7 and 4 so a bit young to chose I think...

He also said he would pay when he had work but he only worked for a month, sent nothing, and apparently now isn’t working again...I know I should claim cms...but if he’s not working what is the point?

I think I’m still in shock how quickly he has let us down.

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PicsInRed Sun 07-Apr-19 10:59:59

Are you moving because you really want to or because you think being closer will make him step back up? Someone like this will never be a reliable father, physically or financially.

Move only if this will be financially and emotionally better for you (and the kids - this will be a big upheaval and change). Think carefully as he may not let you return once you have moved.

nowisthetimetochange Sun 07-Apr-19 11:19:22

Thank you for that concern! This is really the best move for us. He doesn’t want us this close actually, just before he left we were planning to move together to the OTHER end of the country. I had a good job prospect. He still wanted me to peruse that...but I’d be starting again alone! But this is the best choice for the children and I without a doubt. And we’ll be about 10 mins from lots of my family and still about an hour from him...he is currently saying he needs to focus on himself...the children talk about being close to aunts /uncles/cousins...they don’t mention him. It’s sad.

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nowisthetimetochange Sun 07-Apr-19 11:20:26

I’m not sad for me just to clarify...he was very controlling when he was here. It’s so nice to be in a calm home.

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Seperation Mon 08-Apr-19 20:02:56

I have applied for legal seperation with my husband. I am not doing any financial proceedings and the house is in joint names and husband is still paying mortagage. We will continue to live in the same house after seperation for our kids. I recently found out that after the death of either one of us we will be asked to pay a lot of tax in order to change the ownership of the house even if the house is in joint names. Is that correct? We haven’t made a Will yet. Also if in future we decide to be back together do we have to inform the court about it or does it not matter. I am assuming after legal seperation the court will have the filed documents but if we don’t tell the court that we are not seperate any more we will still be considered legally seperated . What happens in this case?Please someone advice. Thanks

Tiddleypops Wed 10-Apr-19 15:36:23

Bury St Edmunds is a nightmare now. I am still waiting to apply for the nisi, but they are slipping further and further behind on even just processing Acknowledgements of Service. H sent his around 18th.

I called 2 weeks ago today, they were dealing with AoS from 12th March, so 2 weeks after receipt.

I 1 week ago, they were dealing with the 13th.

I called today and they are dealing with 14th - so they are slipping further and they are almost a month behind. At the present rate, it will be another month before i can even apply for the nisi and I initially applied for the divorce in December (although they lost the paperwork for that, so I lost about 6 weeks there too!)

sad

My situation is not good at home, at the moment my will-he-ever-be-ex H will not move out, he is running up loads of debts and not paying the bills. I suspect he will lose his job soon and we'll still be living in the same house and I'll become financially (even more) responsible for him.
This has massively far reaching consequences beyond the here and now.

nowisthetimetochange Wed 10-Apr-19 16:31:19

It is just so frustrating that EVERYTHING takes such an age.

I’ve just discovered that STBEXH has gone on holiday to an exotic country - still nothing for his children. I don’t have the energy.

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GemmaFoster Wed 10-Apr-19 18:50:26

I think Bury St Edmunds are actually one of the quickest divorce units currently, compared to other regions. I know it’s frustrating but Divorce does take a long time.

nowisthetimetochange Thu 11-Apr-19 03:08:43

Yes I think it should be any day now...I hope...

Now I’m worried he may have left the country for good and just not have told me...he says he will only talk on the phone not write anything down...great.

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ScreamScreamIceCream Thu 11-Apr-19 09:51:08

@nowisthetimetochange then what you do is talk on the phone and make notes on what has been agreed. Then after the phone call is finished write those notes up and send them in an email to him stating that you have both agreed xx and yy on the phone call of aa date at bb time. Add a question to the end of the email as a reason to send the email such as "When are you coming back from zzz?".

nowisthetimetochange Fri 12-Apr-19 00:19:48

He emailed the solicitor (in response to Form E) and said that me hoping to buy a home for our children and myself was a choice not a necessity and we could just rent. He also quit his job and is now looking for one that will be easier while he retrains...easier = about 1/4 of the money. Argh!!! On the plus side I have a date for the nisi.

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ScreamScreamIceCream Fri 12-Apr-19 12:24:07

said that me hoping to buy a home for our children and myself was a choice not a necessity and we could just rent.
Unfortunately that is true however if you can show the mortgage on the property you want to buy is cheaper than the rent then you can put in a counter argument. Even more so as one of your children is under 5.

He also quit his job and is now looking for one that will be easier while he retrains...easier = about 1/4 of the money
This is common advice given to lots of men. Though those with children are told by right thinking people - both men and women - to not screw their children around by doing that and provide for them.

nowisthetimetochange Fri 12-Apr-19 13:19:19

I have the deposit and my mortgage payments would be about half my rent for the same size property. It just means releasing the money!

He has said I turned down maintenance so he doesn’t have to pay...I have not...

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ScreamScreamIceCream Mon 15-Apr-19 06:56:30

OP write to him yourself and ask for child maintenance. State if he refuses to provide it then you are going to have to use alternative means to secure it. In email give him 14 days to comply . After exactly 14 days put in an application to the CMS.

As pointed out child arrangements are worked out separately to divorce so the only reason to write to him is if you unfortunately do have to go to court, you can show he's been unwilling from the beginning to deal with matters concerning his children.

nowisthetimetochange Thu 18-Apr-19 05:28:01

He says he has no money (did not get the job he applied for) and his friends and family encouraged and paid for his visit abroad so he can get some space- great! He says he does not plan to stay abroad but will not tell me when he is coming home. He says he’ll be there 100% for the children soon...My children no longer want to speak to him. The move is sorted and they are really excited to be moving closer to my family etc. I’ve sorted a rented home, school places, car (he took it and sold it so I currently don’t have one) everything and feel quite sure about those choices.

I think however as well as claiming child maintenance (to the time line suggested above - thank you @ScreamScreamIceCream) I will now try and organise mediation for about a month after we move (as @MrsBertBibby commented I think it will be essential - I think waiting a month to settle them again is more than fair?). By then the children won’t have seen him for 6 months (at the current rate they will have maybe 10 phone calls) and I think a month to get settled and have a holiday seems fair before we try next steps. Obviously if he’s not around this will not be necessary...he can have a lovely time in Thailand and we won’t need to worry!

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