I’m wondering if anyone has similar stories and advice on handling ‘the hero’.
We are co-parenting well, the kids spend two nights a week at his and he is actively involved in the kids daily lives; which includes spending time with them before and after school several times a week.
He does like people to see/hear how wonderful he is mind, and how hard he works to be amazing.
To work in harmony with him I simply find that i have to calmly keep his hero status alive and well. He has a tendency to position himself as a suffering victim too, in a ‘look how well I’m doing despite my hardship’ kind of way, something which I know him well enough not to allow myself to get caught up in or fuel - usually!
This month he is off on two weekend adventures and they both clash with his kid weekends. Same month.. he can neither keep his mid week commitment on two occasions.
This isn’t usual, it’s the way things have fallen and I have no ill thoughts. The Easter bank holidays offers chance for him to spend extra time with the kids and I’ve swapped the mid weeks. No stress.
I genuinely don’t think either of us have anything to complain about.
Working through our calendars this week he made very little of his absences but instead he’s chosen this month to give me a hard time about him not seeing enough of the kids and that he routinely wants an extra night a week ‘it’s not too much to ask’ yadda yadda. I’m like, say what?? Are we living on different planets.
Then I remember that I’ve seen this behaviour before, six months ago, when his diary had similar clashes, and he some how turned it on me - when he was sunning himself in Spain!! We had quite a row as he totally made himself a victim when all I’d done was hold the fort, quietly.
This helped me realise that he’s massively deflecting from his absence. If he can’t be a hero by being there, being amazing, then he’ll make a villain out of me to bolster his victim/hero status. I’m almost open mouthed!!
How do you handle this? I’ve opted for not rising to his goading, not taking the chalice on, but venting on here instead as it stands!! Why are some people so... odd? He is Mr Handsome, Mr Charming, Mr Popular (but no close friends), Mr Bullshit, Mr doublelife.
He did naff all when we were together, surfed on my life.
I try to treat him like a good guy, so he behaves like a good guy. If I treat him like a twat I fully expect him to behave like a twat. Then life gets harder for me and our kids. I have to trust him, as we have to co-parent so I focus on his ‘good side’ but shit it’s hard sometimes.
On a good note, least I no longer have to wake up next to him!!
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.
Divorce/separation
Ex husband thrives on being the hero
8 replies
bigbaymare · 04/04/2019 08:30
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.