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How to stop this unhealthy habit?

(9 Posts)
Misswontmissdontmiss Wed 03-Apr-19 05:56:54

Seemingly perfect marriage came to an abrupt end recently when I made a shocking discovery about husband’s actions some years ago (cheating related but more complicated). He lied a lot when I first found out, before admitting the truth. He is extremely remorseful but it’s not something i’ll forgive.

I still have so many unanswered questions and so, so much anger. I’m really struggling to stop myself messaging him every minute, telling him how I’m feeling and asking more questions (completely fruitless as I don’t believe anything he says anyway).

I really want to break this habit. We have kids and some other ties that mean we cannot go NC, but I need to get this dreadful, unhealthy habit.

I feel strongly that he ought to know the damage he’s done (and he does - he’s ruined his own life more than anyone’s) and I stupidly feel like he’ll tell the truth if I’m persistent enough.

I really need to stop. I think it’s habit - when I’m in pain, he’s always been the person i’ve gone to.

Anyone successfully broken this habit? I want to eventually be amicable but at the moment I’m a complete basket case.

OP’s posts: |
boxlikeamarchhare Wed 03-Apr-19 06:17:39

I don’t have any useful advice OP but this sounds very hard. Can you find something to distract yourself- the headspace app (subscription required) or something like that in the short term.

I separated recently and it is very hard when everything is so raw. H was online dating within a week of leaving for our ‘trial separation’. Very hard to take in even though things could never be right between us.

flowers

Fridasrage Wed 03-Apr-19 06:25:44

Different scenario entirely but i really struggled with thoughts/tics that wouldn't go away when a disability I have as a result of a car accident years ago flared up with little notice and basically wreaked havoc. I couldn't work and was very down - couldn't stop focusing on what i'd lost.

I tried cycling through research projects and hobbies and what helped me most was taking up hobbies where i was doing something with my hands and making something permanent.

At the moment i'm sewing a slightly elaborate felt quiet book for my nephew. Definitely not a cure all but i'd say give something like that a try - i find it difficult (because i'm terrible at sewing haha!) so it engrosses me in the activity and keeps my hands free so i'm not on my phone/online. When things get bad it's there for me to pick up and focus on.

Also, if you can afford it, get started seeing a psychotherapist and working through some of the issues that have reared their head.

DreamInDreamer Wed 03-Apr-19 06:36:32

Often people suggest writing it down in a letter but NEVER sending it. You need to get your thoughts and feelings out- and writing manually helps you consider and process them- but you know he should not actually ever see them. It's a therapeutic process - but maybe therapy itself would be more helpful.

Otter71 Wed 03-Apr-19 07:18:29

How old are the DCs? Mine are teens and the way forward when he was doing this was to tell him to only communicate to them and not direct. It stopped quickly as he had to think more about relevance...

Boulezvous Wed 03-Apr-19 16:12:32

I think it's perfectly understandable when you've been betrayed and deceived to want to know the truth. The liar you were in a relationship with knows what happened (and so perhaps do related parties). So why wouldn't you want to know. It's a natural part of the process - anger, grief, shock, hurt, pain. I don't think it matters that you keep asking and wanting to know. Why does it matter? He deserves it.

I speak from bitter experience. But it will pass - it's a phase. In order to recover you need to go through all the hurt and anger and pain, get it out if your system. Maybe get counselling to help you do so 'safely' for you. I promise you, if you let yourself go through it, one day you will wake up and it's not the first thing that hits you in the guts. It will pass. And he will no longer matter at all.

Podemos Wed 03-Apr-19 16:18:59

It's so hard when you have so many questions still isn't it.

I might be way off here, but would some joint counselling or mediation work for you do you think? With the aim being to be able to move forward with some form of 'relationship' that means you can communicate and positively parent your children 'together'.

BuxomWenchOnAPony Wed 03-Apr-19 23:07:09

I’ve literally just managed to break this habit in the last two days (hoping it lasts, and pretty confident it will). For me, I deleted his name from my phone so I have to actually key in his number to phone or text - it slows me down enough to buy some thinking space. I also delete any texts that are exchanged re: kids or house sale as soon as I have noted any relevant information. I’m getting a mild kick out of ignoring his questions and keeping any exchange brief and factual. I remind myself that he doesn’t care enough about my feelings to have remained faithful, he doesn’t deserve an insight into them now.

KOKOtiltomorrow Fri 05-Apr-19 18:07:26

I was a bit like this initially OP. Then the penny dropped that it was fruitless and only upsetting me - he didnt give a damn. I broke the habit by putting everything I thought at the time into a response but then forwarding it to myself rather than him. When he did message me, I ended up only sending the thumbs up emoticon to agree with whatever he was asking - if it was a .message that I didn't agree with or didn't require a,response I deleted.

I also got into the habit of doing a mantra - mine was something I read on here that i still use 10 months down the line from him blowing our 25 year marriage to pieces..the best revenge is a life well lived.

Get your vibe on baby!! I got fit, list a stone, got a new wardrobe, changed my hair, booked holidays, 're connected with old friends- to begin with it was all about distracting and filling time it now it's just a lovely way to live. I now find myself knocking back invites (like tonight) cos I just want to put my feet up and chill and don't feel that desperate need now.

You will get there OP. KOKO

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