Talk

Advanced search

What next for me?

(11 Posts)
Jewel2019 Mon 01-Apr-19 00:13:14

Hello,
I'm in a difficult phase right now and hope that someone here can help me.
Married for ten+ years. Two little ones, 6&8. There has always been unhappiness, this was never an equal partnership and husband is a good man but very cold, self centered, greedy and money minded. He always has to get what he wants and is very stubborn.After putting up with years of disrespect, lies and neglect, I've decided to leave. Please believe me when I say I've tried, I've gone to great lengths to keep us together but I've finally reached the point where I'm forced to accept that all the efforts have been one sided and that will never change.
I have been the primary care provider for the children this entire time and there were extended periods of time when husband was traveling , etc so it's just been me several times during the course of our marriage. We have been living in England for about a year now. We are however from the US so I will be moving back by myself in a couple weeks. For now, children will stay with the dad. As parents we make a great team and fill in each other's gaps. We each lack certain qualities, so the other always has been balancing it out all these years and it's been good for the kids. (If they grow up with Just one of us they will probably still be ok but their quality of life will be affected)With my leaving, husband wants either one of us to have the primary custody and is flatly refusing the idea of join custody (mainly physical). I am insisting on joint custody because I see that as the best option for the children. I've tried to explain to him why this will be the right thing to do but he simply won't listen at all. Please note : I will be effectively starting from scratch- what with a long career break and all but he has agrees to help me settle . My question is, if I file for a divorce from the US and ask for joint custody will I have a case or am I being silly and thinking too optimistic? I can't think straight, am I reasonable in wanting this or am I snapping because of years of bending over backwards so my husband can have everything that makes him happy at the cost of my own happiness? Thank you for reading

OP’s posts: |
VimFuego101 Mon 01-Apr-19 00:34:15

I am not a lawyer but I would think that the custody part of your divorce needs to be dealt with in the country where your children are resident.

It's not clear what you actually want from this. You can't share custody 50/50 if you live in different countries.

MusaMama Mon 01-Apr-19 00:35:17

Hi
Sorry to hear that you have had a hard time these last 10 years. Good for you to be brave enough to pack your bags and leave.
Situation seems complicated. Seek legal advise. Also can you not apply for sole custody if ur ex does not agree on joint custody? Perhaps the threat of this will make him realise joint custody is for the best. Especially if you are both living in different countries.
Goodluck and continue standing up for your happiness. Xx

Dont get hung up on the language of joint v sole custody. If this is dealt with under Engliab law, that doesn't mean much. You will both still have parental responsibility, whatever the residence pattern (I think it's different in the US, but since he kids are here, the case should be handled under British law).

Work out what residence arrangement works, and focus your discussion on that, rather than kn labels. Realistically, with you moving across the Atlantic, their dad will be doing the lion's share of the parenting. You'll need to think about what sort of time they can spend with you during the school holidays.

PicsInRed Mon 01-Apr-19 11:26:55

He doesn't sound like a good man at all.

He sounds like an emotionally abusive prat.

Do you intend to give up your children?
Leaving the country will put you in a very adverse position, in the Family Court.

Have you spoken with a good family court solicitor? I dont think you've thought this through.

Jewel2019 Mon 01-Apr-19 17:11:01

Thanks for you response, I wanted to know if anyone else has had one partner want joint custody but the other ask for primary custody for children with either of the parents. I'm aware of the distance, he will obviously have to move if joint custody is granted.

OP’s posts: |
Jewel2019 Mon 01-Apr-19 17:13:43

Thanks Musamama, I am open to having full custody (he's happy to agree to that ) but for the reasons mentioned in my original post I prefer joint custody. Thank you so much for your kind words, I really needed to hear them XX

OP’s posts: |
Jewel2019 Mon 01-Apr-19 17:22:36

SMSD, thank you for your response. Like another user said, I think I need to check more about how these things work under laws in the US as I plan to file for divorce from there. I understand my story is not typical and hence can be confusing. I am moving by myself at this time, but I'm not just leaving my children with him. He wants sole custody while I want joint and like I said in my original post this is physical custody I'm specifically talking about. So we will have to live in geographical proximity. He is willing to allow me to have full physical custody of the children, so if my request for joint custody falls through, he will continue to live in England and I will have the children full time. So his lions share of parenting is temporary. This will in fact be the first time he will be alone with them while I go away for any length of time at all. I posted my story here to see I feel there's anyone else who may have been in th same/similar situation. It seems like there are not many

OP’s posts: |
Jewel2019 Mon 01-Apr-19 17:26:25

Hello Picsinred, I have not spoken to any lawyer yet. I do maintain that he is a good man because he is a responsible dad, great provider and will move mountains for our children. Unfortunately I cannot say the same about him as a husband. He is a type A person, alpha male if you will. But he does care and many of his actions show that he does. Looks like talking to a legal counsel is an important next step.

OP’s posts: |
LemonTT Wed 03-Apr-19 00:22:42

The issue that matters is what is best for the children. Not what works or is convenient for you or for your ex. The most expert accepted advice is that they have regular and frequent contact with both parents.

Jewel2019 Wed 03-Apr-19 21:39:50

"The issue that matters is what is best for the children. Not what works or is convenient for you or for your ex. The most expert accepted advice is that they have regular and frequent contact with both parents."

So in other words exactly what I'm asking for then. If you read my first post, I've mentioned that I'm requesting joint custody instead of primary (which would be the best choice for me) because I want the children to have us both around all the time (living in the same city). This is the least convenient option for both me and the dad but is best for our kids. Glad to know that this is what experts would advice.

I request an admin to please lock this thread, I have some good insight now. Thank you to everyone who responded!

OP’s posts: |

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in