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Advice please - considering separation

(4 Posts)
Queazy Sun 31-Mar-19 22:24:59

Hi,

My dh and I have had problems pretty much since starting our relationship 10 years ago. We now have a 5yo and a 3yo and still argue, but it's got to the point where we've been for an initial consultation at Relate. We haven't had sex for 3.5 years. There are various reasons for this - I find sex painful (endometriosis), we've never had a particularly good sex life, and kids etc.

The sex or lack of isn't really the problem though. I had an abortion 6 months after we met, and he was wildly unsupportive. Fast forward to a few years later when I have a 5mo old child, and he was on Tinder and messaging women on FB with flirty/inappropriate messages. I have no idea if he actually met anyone - he says he didn't. I forgave him, and recognised that this behaviour was probably due to how dysfunctional our own sex life had become. But then it happened again after my second child was born.

He doesn't make me feel special, we bicker endlessly and I don't want to fight in front of our kids. We don't even hug anymore.

So sorry for the long message. I don't think I've been on mumsnet since my 3yo was a baby!

DH wants to repair our relationship through Relate but I'm honestly not sure we can. What would we be reverting back to? It was never build on strong foundations. I fully realise we could do it for the kid, but would they really benefit from this. I can't imagine it would exactly be like the Brady Bunch.

Aside from how possible it is, I'm obviously also beyond scared of having newly found financial freedom (or having no savings and two kids, which is the reality).

I don't really know what I'm looking for tbh. I just wanted to share with someone who might be able to empathise, or who has been there, or just has some advice to share. I can't believe my crazily low self esteem of 10 years ago has wound me up in a place like this. I so wanted to just have a healthy relationship and for my kids to be happy sad

Thanks all xx

OP’s posts: |
Moonmum74 Mon 01-Apr-19 22:17:58

Hello there, I thought and reach out and give some support as I am in a similar situation I have been with my husband for 25 years and have two boys aged 9 and 5. We met when we were 19 and I’ve always had doubts about our relationship and whether I actually loved him etc etc. It got to the point recently when I just couldn’t stand him anymore. To cut a long story short I’m now at my Mams and feel exactly the same about him. I’m too scared of separating and all the financial and practical arrangements with the children. I know what you mean about self esteem. I’ve been feeling so anxious and at one point thought I was having a nervous breakdown. I too don’t want marriage counselling (he does) as I feel what’s the point. He can’t believe how cold I’m being towards him but I think I’ve just emotionally detached myself from him. I wanted to ask you do you think you ever feel 100% one way or the other? I’m definitely more on the side of separating but then have flashes of happy family photos or get sentimental and wonder if I would regret it. X

Queazy Tue 02-Apr-19 19:28:33

Hello,
Thanks so much for your reply. When we’re not together I feel a sense of real sadness for what could have been and for potentially breaking my family apart (or making that joint decision). When I’m with him, I feel frustration at his coldness (not surprising I guess given we’re having marital problems) and pretty much can’t stand him. I’ve started going to bed at 9am at the latest to avoid him...how pathetic is that?!

I’m scared of the decision and scared that I’d have zero money. Embarrassed by that actually, as I seem to be mostly surrounded by successful people (in a 2.4 family, nice house and job measure only of course.

It sounds like things have been really difficult for you too. We’ve just signed up for a course of counselling starting after the Easter holidays. Do you think you’ll go for it?

xx

OP’s posts: |
Moonmum74 Wed 03-Apr-19 22:42:58

Hiya, I completely understand where you are coming from about splitting the family up but then when with him totally irritated etc. I think over the past few weeks I’ve been totally honest with myself and separated the relationship from the kids. The kids will grow up and then do you honestly want to be with this person. My husband would do anything to make the relationship work- he’s been begging me. But I know deep down that I don’t want to be with him. He hasn’t done anything wrong and I don’t know if I’m going through some midlife crisis (I’m 44) but it’s how I feel.I listed his negative and positive points (for me) and the negative fat outweighed the positive. I was even getting irritated at his breathing! Of course now I’ve told him that I want a years trial separation of living separately I’m starting to think he is not so bad etc etc.
What’s helped me is meditation (lots), yoga, exercise, antidepressants and journaling. Does your partner feel the same as you about the relationship eg negative and are you both up for counselling?
X

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