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First time leaving children/staying for the children

(14 Posts)
Chillichutney1 Fri 29-Mar-19 09:06:51

I left my H this week, and today is the first day he has asked me to leave the children (2dc) with him over the weekend.

I dropped my eldest off last night as he wanted to sleep in his own bed and my heart was breaking. How do I leave my dc with ex?

He wants them for 2-5 nights a week, I don’t think I can be away from my children for so long going forward.

Did anyone find this really tough? How did you manage it? Does it get easier?

Did anyone decide to stay together so that they could be with their dc all the time?

OP’s posts: |
notharryssally Sat 30-Mar-19 21:45:58

Bump because I would like to know peoples answers to this

IsItBetter Sat 30-Mar-19 22:15:28

Yes the answer is that children need 2 parents playing an equally important role in their lives, assuming there are no safeguarding issues.

No you shouldnt stay together because of your personal desire to be with your children, you should have the sense to nurture their relationship with their father.

Chillichutney1 Sat 30-Mar-19 22:30:01

My children are young (just 2 and 5), and their dad is a good dad in terms of seeing to their physical needs, but he is not really capable of nurturing their emotional needs or helping them to blossom, that was always my job. When he is not doing chores or feeding them he switches off, and watches tv. He is also emotionally immature and gets very angry, massive stonewaller, worried my children will be subject to all this growing up, which is one of my main reasons for leaving.

Also, yes, I don’t want to miss out on half of my children’s lives. I didn’t think about this when I left. Im finding it very hard. Im missing them a lot. I wish he was unselfish enough to nurture a deeper relationship with them but I’m afraid he doesn’t. So I’m left wondering what is really best for them.

OP’s posts: |
babysharkah Sat 30-Mar-19 22:40:38

Why 2-5 nights a week, I would think 50/50 absolute max. Have you left the family home?

Singlenotsingle Sat 30-Mar-19 23:09:31

So where are you staying? It's not generally thought good for the dc to live in two homes. They get confused, different food, different beds, different rules, and often there's too much travelling involved. Tell your H "no", he can't have them 2-5 nights a week. Doesn't he work? Will he take them to nursery, toddler club, soft play, kids clubs, football, dancing etc?

notharryssally Sat 30-Mar-19 23:51:56

While I agree with you @Singlenotsingle that it's not good for them, my impression is that courts are actually very pro joint residency. Have I got this wrong?

OhioOhioOhio Sat 30-Mar-19 23:56:29

Mine were younger and yes it is very difficult. My stbxh is an abuser. Not physical but nasty, controlling and emotionally unavailable.

Children are ego centric. They blame themselves for their absent parent. They will eventually blame you for withholding their parent from them. They will never believe that their absent parent isn't perfect. Their absent status will turn them into a prize. They will become celebrities.

This is what I was taught. I've learned to enjoy the rest. They get every other weekend and one evening a week.

Their father is slowly fkng up his relationship with them on his own.

I miss my kids massively and it isn't always easy. I count my blessings and cope by thinking of the mummies who would love my problem.

2 nights eow is fair.

Chillichutney1 Sun 31-Mar-19 14:43:43

I could do 2 nights eow. For what it’s worth, ex fucked up our lively hugely, but he loves his kids. He’s not working atm so we agree on a 2-2-3 schedule so one of us gets them every weekend and one isn’t left doing all the school runs etc. But now I am thinking I would happily do all the grunt work rather than not see them half of the time.

babysharkah I have left the home, and we agreed 2-2-3 which is 50/50 but some weeks one parent gets 5 nights and the other 2 nights, though in reality the kids change hands every 2-3 days.

I have just read that at a young age, toddlers need to be with their mum most of the time. Maybe I have to rethink what we agreed.

I am staying with my parents but looking to get ex out of the family home, he won’t leave without heavy persuasion

I’m realising I can’t agree to 50/50 though.

OP’s posts: |
IsItBetter Sun 31-Mar-19 14:54:24

In his position, assuming he is happy with the arrangement and considers it working well, I would be taking you to court for a child arrangements order on a lives with both parents, 50:50 basis given that it is best for the children.

I would expect to get it too given that is the current staus quo and it is working fine. You need to stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about what is best for the children.

ScreamScreamIceCream Sun 31-Mar-19 16:15:16

@Chillichutney1 toddlers need a primary carer. This can be mum, dad or someone else.

Sorry I know adults who didn't have a mum around for various reasons, and now families where the mum isn't there at all or isn't the primary carer.

CF43 Sun 31-Mar-19 20:22:19

I don't know, i know i miss my son dreadfully when he is with his dad and still find it hard to let go, and i'm still crying myself to sleep at night wondering if i am doing the right thing.

I am told it get's easier the first time two weeks ago i was a mess, i cried going to work, cried once i had spoken to him, cried again because his bed was empty, cried again when he didn't need to talk to me on the sunday as he was having fun. I have to get through easter yet and then the summer holidays are the next hurdle.

I wouldn't go back now, i'm still trying to get divorced and settle things and i hope it will be finished this summer time but got to get house up to scratch and sell it, find somewhere else and get settled again yet.

Still a long way to go yet.

Chillichutney1 Mon 01-Apr-19 14:07:09

@Screamscreamicecream sorry I was thinking of myself when I wrote that, as my children’s primary carer. Yes anyone can be a child’s primary carer, and at a young toddler age they should be with that carer most of the time, perhaps even avoiding overnight stays until they are older. This is what I have read and it makes sense.

isitbetter Yes, I am thinking of myself but also the children. H will not take them to any of their classes, take them out apart from to get a takeaway from MacDonald’s, make the effort to do anything enriching with them. How can it be in the best interests of the children to be with an emotional abusive father. I think I need legal advice on this.

OP’s posts: |
ScreamScreamIceCream Tue 02-Apr-19 14:59:26

OP the law argues it is in the best interests of the children to have proper contact with both parents. Therefore unless you can argue it's not in their best interests then you are going to have great difficulty preventing either of your children staying over night with their father.

Also you cannot control what he does with them in his time with them so for your own peace of mind stop trying, otherwise he could decide to do the same to you.

Finally even though he was abusive to you, unless you can prove he was abusive to the children you will be wasting your money. Just because a parent decides let the children to play in the house instead of taking them to classes isn't abusive. In fact it can be argued that you taking the kids to classes especially if there is a lot of them is more damaging.

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