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Anyone Else have contact arranged like this?

(6 Posts)
BinksLinks Thu 21-Mar-19 07:46:49

Bit of background: 1DS who is ten.
STBXH left the day before Xmas Eve.
Initially STBXH stated he was living in a cabin by a lake, which was unsuitable for DS to visit. (No running water, heating or furniture) All along I knew he had moved in with his new girlfriend ( who is 15 years his junior and one of his ex students) (bangs head on table and swiftly takes another slip of coffee) over an hour a way. Finally 2 weeks ago he was honest to say where he was living. It is not suitable for DS to visit the flat or meet the new girlfriend yet (both of us agree this as does the educational psychologist and play therapist my son sees) we therefore agreed for DS to see his daddy every weekend either on a Saturday or Sunday in the family home.
He comes totally unprepared and they spend the day on the sofa playing Xbox, I have often gone out for the day, but have come home to find DS still in his pjs, having had no lunch and just a couple of bowls of cereal.
I now stay at home and cook them a lunch and mainly potter around, might pop out for coffee. STBXH facetimes every night, but due to work commitments he is unable to see DS for four weeks. He has agreed to have DS for the first four days of the Easter holidays, however, he will be coming to the family home each day so I can go to work and then leave when I get home. I have asked if he is planning on doing anything with DS and he states they will just ‘chill at home’ DS is keen to see his friends so I have arranged some play dates and STBXH is happy to take him to these.

I have filed for divorce and we have agreed a financial split ( 80:20 to me - unusual I know but STBXH has asked for 20% of the equity and he will be happy to sign everything else over to me, my solicitor is currently writing up agreement and it is hoped that funds will be released to him by June) I am hoping once he has his financial settlement he will find appropriate housing however if I am honest I think he will remain living in one bedroom flat.

Moving forward we have agreed to Contact every other weekend Saturday morning to Sunday afternoon, once STBXH has found “appropriate housing” (currently in one bedroom flat)

STBXH pays child maintenance and contributes a small % to school fees. All of which I am happy with. We both have worked full time in our marriage.
Looking back STBXH has always been mor word a big brother to DS than a father.
How on earth do I navigate this process? I want DS to have an ongoing relationship with his daddy and enjoy his time with him, but I feel stuck as to what to suggest, do I just carry on having him come to the family home weekly and do what I have done throughout my marriage and let them play whilst I provide the food. (Did I mention that STBXH has often come with his washing and asked if he can use washing machine) I have ended up going his washing on numerous times.

OP’s posts: |
Phillipa12 Thu 21-Mar-19 07:56:47

He should not be coming to your home and entertaining your ds there for every visit, he needs to sort out suitable accomodation so that he can have his ds overnight. It is fine to spend the day at yours every so often but not all the time, (this is what happens with my ex sometimes). The arrangement at the moment must be quite confusing for your son and also your ex needs to step up and parent rather than being a mate.

wobytide Thu 21-Mar-19 09:56:39

Offer more than 20% of the equity and suggests he buys/rents somewhere more appropriate that would facilitate him being able to have his son stay over properly?

TwoRoundabouts Thu 21-Mar-19 12:23:22

Offer him more equity as the PP said and also sort out a Parenting Plan.

Just Google parenting plans UK.

Try to draw up a plan without going to mediation to save money but if your ex is difficult then you will need to drag him there.

In the Parenting Plan put in a firm date e.g. 1 September 2019 from when your ex can no longer come over to your house to be with your son but has to take him out. Make the meeting place a neutral location outside your home so your ex has no choice but to do this. This is so your son understands you are both divorced and his father lives elsewhere permanently, so has nothing to do with the home your son lives in with you.

While parenting plans aren't legal if you get one agreed you can make it legally enforceable or use it to get some aspects of your joint parenting legally enforced if needed.

BinksLinks Thu 21-Mar-19 12:36:30

Thank you, I am looking at a parenting plan as we speak.
I have offered him more equity and he has refused that.
If I am honest I think he I say he can’t see DS in our home he won’t actually see him at all

OP’s posts: |
BinksLinks Thu 21-Mar-19 13:07:47

Thank you, I am looking at a parenting plan as we speak.
I have offered him more equity and he has refused that.
If I am honest I think he I say he can’t see DS in our home he won’t actually see him at all

OP’s posts: |

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