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So many regrets

(9 Posts)
Biggles398 Mon 18-Mar-19 06:02:24

My husband officially left me Saturday. He's been having an emotional affair for a few months. He led me to believe over the last few weeks that we could work it out. Obviously not.
I know he will be happy with this OW. But I have so so so many regrets. What ifs. He is in no way the one to blame. I just so wish I could turn back the clock. I am absolutely broken and people say I will get over it, but I just want it never to have happened. It is so true that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. I didn't realise just how much I loved him
My Dd Is 11. She is fine with it as she likes the OW. But I keep breaking down on her and that's just not fair on her. Yesterday I snapped at her because earlier she'd told me all about the woman's dog.
I don't want to get over this, I just want it never to have happened.
My friends have been great, but there's only so much I can lean on them. Everyone has their own lives.

OP’s posts: |
Summerdreamss Mon 18-Mar-19 06:16:41

I know what you mean about not knowing what you've got until it's gone. I'm currently feeling that too.
However none of this is your fault, why is he not to blame? Plus seems very early for him to introduce your DD to the OW.
Sorry you're going through this and it's natural to have regrets, try to stay strong and focus on something positive for yourself

Twillow Mon 18-Mar-19 06:30:47

Research the stages of grief, because this is what you are going through. Be kind to yourself, plan treats - for yourself and for you and your daughter. Remember that he will probably also feel guilty and be a bit of a Disney dad which will grate. Though you won't feel much like it, look for things that you couldn't do as a couple that you always wanted to do. Paint a wall a different colour. Go to a museum or the theatre. Drive somewhere further than you thought you could, or take a train. Consider joining a club for divorcees - you will need some shoulders and will feel bad over-leaning on your friends and family.
Its horrible and it's not fair, but you sound strong.

megrichardson Mon 18-Mar-19 06:41:57

I'm currently going through similar but I also firmly believe that it takes 2 to make or break a marriage (not talking about abuse of course). I strongly doubt that it is all your fault, op.

Whereareyouspot Mon 18-Mar-19 06:51:20

It is not your fault

If he was so unhappy he could have raised that and worked on it with you not gone searching for an affair which he merrily conducted whilst stringing you along.

And wtf if he doing introducing your young DD to this women before the door has even closed behind him?

Get angry
He’s broken your vows, is confusing your DD and now gets to swan off into the sunset with an adoring new partner

Get angry then get strong
Your DD needs to not be involved in this it is way way too much for her to cope with so I’d put a stop to that if you can

Change the locks
Minimal contact with him- only for the necessary arrangements about your dd or even better she does that herself

See a solicitor and get finances sorted
Get a new set of clothes, cry in private, rage in private and rave in public

You still have a long life and you need to live it

He wasn’t worthy of you OP

Biggles398 Mon 18-Mar-19 11:27:40

My daughter already knows her, it's not a case of him introducing them. It's just all my fault. If I'd been the person I knew i should have been at the time, and just opened My mouth and spoken to him, I wouldn't be where I am now, and he would be here.it just hurts so badly and hurts even more when you know they and my daughter are so happy / excited. I

OP’s posts: |
Manaskingforadvice Mon 18-Mar-19 11:59:27

It takes two to make a marriage and two to break it. I'm quite sure he is feeling very mixed up too.

Getting angry is not a good strategy. The OP has a DD and she must come first. She needs her parents to get along. Ditto rushing to grab as much money as you can, putting the two of you on a crash course to hideous conflict over whatever is in the bank account. Ditto again cutting off contact. The OP and her daughter's father have to talk. They have a child.

Speaking as someone who is several years further on than the OP there's only one thing worse than the breakup and separation stage, and that's coming to the end of a very bitter and acrimonious divorce, looking around at all the poison and hatred that was created by "getting angry", and realising you and your children will have to live with it forever.

I have many big regrets. But one of them is that we could not keep our eyes on the prize, which was an amicable divorce. In my opinion that is harder to achieve than resurrecting a marriage. But if this is the course life takes you your DD has an absolute right to expect you to at least try.

Biggles398 Mon 18-Mar-19 12:30:30

Thanks ^^. I don't want or need or deserve to be angry. If anything, I'm more to blame than he is, I could've done something long ago and chose not to, I should have been more persistent. I could have been a better person. I don't want his money. I am hopefully buying him out of the house and I know he will pay maintenance.
My main issues are me. How do i cope with them all being so happy? How the hell do I stop falling apart around my daughter? I don't want her to think she can't be happy because I'm not.
We were good friends so I've lost that too. I miss that but am struggling both seeing him and not seeing him. It just all sucks.

OP’s posts: |
Nash82 Mon 18-Mar-19 19:11:33

There's nothing I can say that will make you feel better right now. I'm going through something similar and I understand your grief. It just hurts so much.

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