Husband wants me to leave

[manandbeast]

Hi all,

I will be totally honest, though I know i will likely get flamed.

I had an affair and I want to leave my marriage (though not for the other man). My husband is a good man, didn’t deserve this, but not always been a great husband - v unsupportive with kids, got us into a lot of debt and very very moody and angry. Nevertheless I know my actions are wrong and have caused a lot of pain.

My kids are 16 months and 7 yrs.

My husband is saying that because I am choosing to leave I should leave the marital home.

I’m suggestion we rotate our time in the home 50:50 or both move out to new places and share cars of kids 50:50.

I’m worried that if I move out of marital home it will feel to the kids that I’ve abandoned them... I’m worried this might have awful affect on their mental health.

I think my suggestions protect them a bit from the sense they have been abandoned.

My husband says I am abandoning them and I need to face up to it.

I love my kids so much, more than anything in the world and I don’t want to leave them - but I do want to leave their father.

Does anyone have advice / experience of a situation like this?

I guess my main questions are:

Would be leaving damage the kids?

Should I go? I don’t want to hurt my husband more than I have already but I do want to be free.

I know I deserve to be flamed but also hoping there might be some balanced advice out there for me.

[SuperLoudPoppingAction]

I dont think you should leave just because he has told you to.
Surely it would make more sense to see a solicitor and work out what would be best for the children and argue for that.

[Frenchmontana]

So you are going to run your own separate places and maintain the family home?

Is that viable?

[manandbeast]

I would like to see a mediator. But I guess I wonder if anyone on here has any prior experience?

I can stay with my dad locally so I can still contribute to household costs etc.

[upsideyerelephant]

Who does the bulk of the childcare?

I think you're right - leaving your kids will hurt them. If you're their main carer, this is especially true.

It doesn't matter who had the affair or who wants to leave. All totally, totally irrelevant. Blame is bollox.

What matters is what's best for the kids.

The person who stays in the family home should generally be the main carer.

[kbPOW]

I don't think you should move out. You should get legal advice.

[AuntMarch]

Unless you are rotating the time between the current home and one other, I don't see how it could make financial sense to continue sharing it. And if you were doing that I don't think either of you would ever feel comfortable in the second property.

The idea of selling/leaving the current home and having separate ones makes more long term financial sense I think, but will of course be unsettling short term.

I know someone who's ex DP moved out without the kids really knowing - he'd always gone to work really early anyway, and he came to see them before bed every evening.
What has your routine been like up to now? Who has the children most of the time? Who works when?

[upsideyerelephant]

My mother left in similar circumstances btw. I wouldn't do it, to say the least.

[manandbeast]

I would say until the last yr I did everything for the kids.

After I told him I was deeply unhappy a year ago he stepped up and now its more equal.

I will organise mediation as the next step.

[GaraMedouar]

Do not move out. Get legal advice. If you move out it will set up the status quo that he is the main carer. Legally for the divorce they don't care who committed adultery, same for child contact and residence. Stick with 50/50 suggestion.

[upsideyerelephant]

Sounds sensible.

Don't make any rash decisions and don't leave home.

You both need to hold it together, tough I know.

[feelingsinister]

I don't think you'll get flamed @manandbeast because that seems to be reserved for the men who have affairs, not the women!

I don't see that it should automatically be you that moves out if you're the primary carer for the children but it does become more complicated if it's closer to 50/50. Get some legal advice and don't make any decisions until you have.

[Frenchmontana]

So it's currently equal. Then you are unlikely to get majority care.

I cant see you living at your dads half the time and paying towards family house, workable long term. Certainly not if you husband would have to pay towards family home AND pay for his own place.

[IWannaSeeHowItEnds]

Don't move out. Leaving the kids puts him in a much stronger position to get residency and leaves you with the prospect of eow. See a solicitor before you do or agree to do anything. Mediation is a good step and shows willingness to resolve things amicably to the court.
The affair was bad, but getting you into debt, being angry and unsupportive with the kids is equally bad. Don't be taking all the blame here, just because you had the affair.

[madcatladyforever]

It takes two to destroy a marriage and he certainly needs to acknowledge his part in the matter he sounds awful.
There is no reason on earth why you should leave your children or your home and I would strongly advise against this. You want to leave him not the kids.
If you leave them they will never get over the abandonment.
Get legal advice before you do anything. Divorce courts are nother interested in the slightest who did what. They are purely interested in the welfare of the children and they are far to young to lose their mum.
Step back and take a breath. Don't do anything hasty you will regret.

[Mmmmbrekkie]

And then what happened in the last year?

Someone tell me to move out from my children? I wouldn’t even dignify with a response

[manandbeast]

Thank you - trying to hold it together, it’s so hard.

I got some free advice from a solicitor - she said adultery would not be considered but his debts would be. Also I found a Bayliff letter for trying to collect £16,000 the other day. How can I protect us?

[manandbeast]

Mmmbrekkie - over the last year he has helped me much more around the house, getting up w kids at weekends sometimes. We’ve had a childminder, we share collection in the evening after work.

[Curiousmum69]

He can't make you leave. It's your house too.

Get to mediation Asap. It's probably better if you sell and move to seperate places. However, that is potentially some way down the line.

[Frenchmontana]

Someone tell me to move out from my children? I wouldn’t even dignify with a response

Except she wants him too.

The debts will only be considered, as if you go down the route of his unreasonable behaviour. Which you may want to do. But maybe not if he is the type to reject it and say it's down to your affair. Then it's just gets messy. And if they are in his name he will need to take them on, on his own.

It's not going to help win a bigger settlement or make it so you get what you want.

Unless he is a huge earner, it's unlikely to result in him paying to the family home and having is own place.

Because its shared responsibility for the kids it can become complicated.

And you having somewhere cheap or free to stay, makes it a very unfair proposition.

Do you really want to live at your dads indefinitely?

[upsideyerelephant]

Regarding money issues, all you can do right now is collect info. Information about bank accounts, investments, pensions (both work and private) as well as debts.

Discretely take copies (both paper and electronic) and store them away. Your own car can be a good place, if you have one obviously.

Then wait and see how mediation goes.

Remember to put your head up to breathe occasionally and cuddle your children.

This doesn't have to be the end of the world.

[Stuckforthefourthtime]

Do not leave. Get a solicitor and sort this out. Under no circumstances walk out without your kids

^This

[manandbeast]

French - I thought as I had somewhere free to stay I could contribute more to the cost of the house to free him up a bit.

But your skepticism is right... it’s not workable.

[Frenchmontana]

It's nice in theory. But unless both of you are higher earners, it's not going to work long term.

Can you afford to take over the house yourself? Is there much equity? Could you buy him out if you want? Could he?

Of the answer is no, it's likely the family home would be sold. Clean break. Not certain. But likely. If you go to mediation, having idealistic but not workable ideas, isnt going to work either.

I am not saying you should move out. But I think you to be more realistic.

What happens when you cant pay more to the house because you decide you need your own place? Are you a high earner?

[smallereveryday]

It takes two to destroy a marriage and he certainly needs to acknowledge his part in the matter he sounds awful.

If ever a paragraph summed up the different ways adultery is treated on here depending upon your sex. Can you imagine the screeching if it were to be suggested that a woman had an equal part to play in her marriage breakdown because her husband had an affair? Regardless of her debts and laziness around the house !
Just saying ...
anyway OP , I actually believe that affairs ARE a symptom not a cause - and you need to sort out something suitable for the children.
I have friends who have turned the shared care issue on its head by renting a separate flat and the PARENTS moving out every week and the children staying put. They maintain its far less disruptive for them. No traipsing off to one parent or another every other week / weekend.. children's world changes minimally. Same bedroom same home same schools... the parents take turns to stay in the 'other home' . Would that work for you and stbex ?