Being falsely accused of domestic abuse

[tilly1989]

By my now ex partner I'm being accused of domestic abuse, I haven't heard the full allegations from the police yet but apparently he's claiming I've been violent towards him, how can I defend my self? How can I prove I haven't done what he is claiming?

[HennyPennyHorror]

Are there children involved? I ask because the article below says that people falsely claim domestic abuse in order to get legal aid and to stop the other parent accessing the kids.

www.bbc.com/news/education-44628179

[HennyPennyHorror]

I see from previous posts you do have children. this is very worrying.

Can you afford legal advice? What is your current situation? Has he ever been violent to you?

[tilly1989]

He took our 1 year old with him and I'm trying to fight to get her back, my 7 year old has stayed with me and I feel regardless of what's going on siblings should stay together, I'm claiming universal credit so would massively struggle paying legal costs

[HennyPennyHorror]

When did he take your 1 year old OP? Has he ever been violent to you?

[IsItBetter]

This is often a situation that men find themselves in - you might have some luck posting on a separated dads forum.

How long has he taken the 1 year old for? I'm surprised (assuming you have done so) that the authorities haven't stepped in as usually there is societal bias towards mothers. I would assume that a counterallegation might get the child returned to you (not that I condone this).

Has he alleged you were violent to just himself or also to the children? Is he saying he has taken the 1 year old because you are a danger to them? How long have you been living apart? Is he the father just to the 1 year old?

The general advice if you were a man would be to ignore the allegations unless they are acted on and proven. You don't have to prove that something didn't happen and it will generally be ignored by a family court. These kind of allegations are usually just made (as someone posted above) by an ex who will try to make it very difficult to see your child and for legal aid.

In the absence of other intervention you would have to make a C100 application to the court for a child arrangements order. This can be a very frustrating process I have to warn you however as it takes a very long time to get to a final hearing.

You would be well served to book a slot with a solicitor. Many offer a free initial consultation.

[JollyAndBright]

The OP posted on monday about sleeping on the sofa because of her DPs snoring, so I think thus is a very recent break up and he must have only left within the last few days.

Have you actually spoken to the police OP?

[2boysDad]

"This is often a situation that men find themselves in - you might have some luck posting on a separated dads forum."

I'll second that piece of advice. Strongly suggest that you post on the separated dads forum (google it). There are people there who have been in the same boat as you and can give specific advice. If you feel uncomfortable posing as woman (and you needn't be btw - women do post on there quite often) then just call yourself Terry rather than Tilly - no-one will know any different.

And good luck. Don't let this intimidate you into giving in.

[2boysDad]

If you want to be seeing your own kids in a "Contact Centre" for the next 12 months then follow HennyPennyHorror's advice.

The single worst piece of advice I have ever read on Mumsnet.

This isn't a game or an episode of Eastenders- this is real life.

[blackteasplease]

I'd contact the police about him taking the 1 yo. That's not on. They could talk to him if nothing else. Or the nspcc /social services.

[blueangel1]

False accusations of domestic abuse and coercive control are a bloody nightmare. My DP had this for several months last year. He ended up being interviewed several times and it took them months to come to the conclusion that she had made everything up. Sadly though, they didn't prosecute her for wasting police time.

[glitterdayz]

It's disgusting, and just makes it harder for people who have been abused.
My dp wont go near his ex, even though she hasn't brought up any false claims of dv yet, she lies about everything else, when they have been on the phone, she will send a text afterwards saying he was swearing and shouting, but he hardly answered. If she sends long messages about how he's a bad dad, that he let the dc fall off the bed 3 years ago, he will ignore her or explain that she is being controlling and nasty, she plays victim and ask how he can be so abusive to the mother of his first child. I've never seen such crazy in my life.
Good luck OP.
Get writing, write down your whole relationship, both your and his ups and down. This is for you, and for when he starts lying you remember what actually happened. Refresh your memory of some of the issues or times he's brought up before.
Nothing worse than being asked a question and remembering the answer when you got home.

Then start contacting and getting advice, ask around and have questions you want written down, so you stay on track.

[mrdarcybutler]

Shoe on the other foot here much to the delight of stalwart mumsnetters

I am the mum whose husband of 23 years has obliterated my relationship with our girls , I left due to domestic abuse ( women's aid have been my only support) not physical but doesn't have to be does it? No abuse to the children apart from a slow slow drip of alienation about their main Carer ( was SAHM) for 5 years) almost imperceptible little bits of untruths/ back up/ united front type .. but there nonetheless ( has decided to leave a few years ago bit snooped through my phone and realised my plans)
I am now 13 weeks without contact, SW input and yet still they 'don't want to see me'..
all you Mumsnet stalwarts are crying 'backstory' .. alas all I did was have the audacity to leave him .. and about time too , but no salacious story just a mum still eating cos it's breakfast , going to work and no idea as to what to do next

[HennyPennyHorror]

2Boys Like Darcy my friend has had her relationship with her children completely obliterated.

He never returned them after contact and NOBODY helped her. Not the police or courts or social services. The courts would order contact then he'd not do it. He played the system and brainwashed his kids to be afraid of their Mother.

I know her. she is a gentle, lovely woman...he on the other hand is a terrifying man.

It's been 2 years now and her youngest DD saw her in the street and RAN the opposite direction.

If I suggest going above the law in the early days it's because I've seen what can happen if you trust the law.

[TwoRoundabouts]

This is a bit of a mess as it is my experience and investigation of some of your issues.

The only way you can defend accusations of violence is by proving you weren't in the vicinity at the dates the alleged incidents occurred. You will need to find witnesses who are happy to come to court and testify this if they give you a statement, plus as much documentary evidence as you can find. Use your commonsense when choosing witnesses - so no mutual friends or his family members as they will be unpredictable on cross examination.

You need to get the case numbers asap, find out what dates the alleged incidents occurred and get your written defence statement with some supporting documentation in to the court quickly.

If your ex and his solicitor has any intelligence they would also allege your molestation of him was also non-violent as this is far harder to prove against if he has any evidence such as messages. It takes only a couple of unpleasant messages to an individual to be accused of harassing them.

Apart from getting legal aid, which tonnes of people are not legible for, a non-molestation order or undertaking means that you cannot go to mediation to sort out issues. This actually may be more advantageous than you think as it means you both cannot screw around and drag it out. In the case of children, judges have to rule in their best interests. You know your ex will be arguing that both children should be together mainly with him, but as they have an age gap of 6 years you could argue something completely different so at least the child with you mainly stays with you.

There is no point going to the police or social services about your one year old unless you have serious claims about how he can't care for them so they are at risk. Unfortunately in your case you should have done this immediately he didn't return the child as in the eyes of the law he is an equal parent to you so equally capable of looking after the child.