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Help: Am i being manipulated?

(10 Posts)
StripeyChina Thu 07-Mar-19 14:25:43

sorry if long, but don't want to drip feed...

Been married 18 years.
15 years ago, whilst pg, I became permanantly physically disabled.
ds (14) has asd, dd (11) is being assessed for asd also.
Whilst all living together after kids were born I didn't work but I did all the housework cooking and childcare, and paid for our food with my DLA.
H paid for (joint) mortgage (£450pcm) out of his £23K wage which went into 'his' account'. He made it clear he resented it.
The marriage has been unhappy for 15 years. We've had separate rooms. H acts like a distant uncle with me and kids - no real sense of responsibility and resents playing a part in family life.

2 years ago we agreed I would move, temporarily, to see if neighbouring area better for kids for diagnosis (yes) and schooling (yes). H stayed in our house and was to follow if it proved better. Meanwhile H paid for the house which he stayed in and I paid all costs my end. He doesn't pay maintenance.
I went fulltime last year but it has proved too much for my health and kids needs and I'm having to look for a new job as pt not possible.

So H has suggested before I do I apply for a mortgage in my own name.
His sister has offered to lend up to 3K if needed.
Then he says we can sell the family house and with what is left (less than £30K if we are very lucky) he can use that as deposit and get his own mortgage for a flat near where kids and I might be living.

I don't particularly want to move back to family home where we were so unhappy but I feel like his sister (no love lost) and he are pressuring me. What if i agree then get stuck with a big mortgage and am not well enough to work to pay it?

Is it just me or are the pieces being moved on the chess board?

OP’s posts: |
Littleraindrop15 Thu 07-Mar-19 14:30:29

So whose name would be on the mortgage

OnGoldenPond Thu 07-Mar-19 14:34:45

So he is effectively claiming the marital home as his sole property and telling you that you won't see a penny of the proceeds of sale. Plus making you solely responsible for maintaining your joint children.

Yes you are being manipulated, he and his sister are trying to shaft you. You are entitled to at least half the remaining proceeds of the house sale and he needs to pay maintenance.

See a divorce lawyer ASAP and contact CMS pronto to claim maintenance for your children.

This guy makes my blood boil angry

StripeyChina Thu 07-Mar-19 14:49:37

I suppose its complicated by trying to arrange new accom before family house sold but the sense in that would be i still have f/t wage slips at present.
I'd get a sole mortgage on property for me and kids.
then family house would be sold and he would buy a flat.
I guess i could demand any equity be split at that point.
He is keen enough to ask SIL to loan 3k for costs and she is keen enough to lend.
But when i said I'd applied for 2nd mort in joint names that was suddenly all withdrawn so he's obviously only interested if i get the bigger mortgage just in my name?
Hope that makes sense sorry.
I just feel a bit stunned he and SIL have been working it all out tog?

Got to go on school run. BAck later.

OP’s posts: |
Singlenotsingle Thu 07-Mar-19 14:54:23

So have you got the deposit? And is any lender going to lend you enough to make the mortgage repayments?
I'm struggling to see what's in it for you?

Palaver1 Fri 08-Mar-19 05:47:04

Yes you are ,soon as you separated in both your minds it’s over.
His being proactive...I have a severely ASD child and it’s so hard to juggle work at the same time .I am in a successful career. This has come a a cost ,My greatest joy will be after I’m finally divorced.In my 50 .life is so short.
I admire the fact that you are doing this alone.
Get up and get legal help .
They want rid of you do not commit to any mortgage.

StripeyChina Fri 08-Mar-19 07:57:44

My situation at present is that I am joint holder of mortgage.
It is interest only and runs out in 11 years with no repayment vechicle so it would have to be sold. By then i will be 60 and wont get another one. Plus i'd have to go back and live with him. None of that's appealing.

So i have permission to get a mortgage of 100K and i have 11K scraped up so could just do the deposit etc. if i found somewhere for 90K my repayments would be abour £400 which is better than rent. BUt its a 20 year mortgage.

Because i'd buy before joint house sold I'd need to pay 2nd prop Stamp duty of £3K. This is what SIL is offering to loan.
Joint house woud then be sold. I think i could insist on 50% of any (small if any) profit as we are still married. But i'd then end up with a 90K debt on a 20 year commitment and only able to work part time.

I dont know which is better future for me as neither seems good ;(

OP’s posts: |
StripeyChina Mon 11-Mar-19 17:41:27

The goal posts have shifted.

It transpires that he wants me to move back to marital home.
He will move out.
He will get a sole mortgage on a modest property in his name.
He will pay no maintenance but any equity in marital home (joint mortgage) will belong to me. It has a low interest only mortgage so I'd be okay (hopefully) until that was due in 11 years. Not sure what I'd do then as i'd be too old to use it as a deposit for a fresh mortgage at 60 i assume?

It is in Scotland so you can have a legally binding separation agreement saying whatever you want, as long as you both agree.

OP’s posts: |
SixDot941 Tue 19-Mar-19 11:33:22

Hang on.

You need to go and see a solicitor and get this ironed out properly. Don't start buying houses at the end of a marriage just because it seems to be a solution.

It would be better to start the divorce and make a financial agreement. Yes you will have a house but your deposit for your new property should be from the joint sale of the matrimonial home. Will your new house be worth what you would financially get as your settlement in divorce? Don't just think practically for the moment, you need to future plan.

Then he wants you to move back in? It is a play and I'm sure he has legal advice and is positioning for the largest chunk of the marital estate. Don't let him, get a solicitor. People are devious at the end of a relationship. My ex was vile in trying to get what he wanted but he failed because his bad character tripped him up.

EnoughAlready999 Wed 20-Mar-19 09:33:19

I'd just stay where you are (renting I assume) for now, get the house sold and take your half of any equity. Definitely get onto CMS re maintenance. And then in a year or two think about buying if that's a possibility. You might be better of part-time topped up with Tax Credits. And maybe a shared ownership property would suit you better.

Don't just do what he says

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