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H filed for divorce - questions

(11 Posts)
flyings0l0 Mon 04-Mar-19 20:43:39

he only filed today and told me this evening. we had lots of issues, so not surprising. I lost my job last month as on of the DC's needs meant it wasn't compatible with working anymore (one of the DC has a chromosome disorder and severe learning difficulties with challenging behaviours - quite a complex package). DH always resented me for only working part time despite not wanting to pick up the slack at home with the DC, appointments, meetings, early school pick ups etc. Anyhow, I digress. But things came to a head recently meaning I had to leave paid work.

I would want to (and have to financially) return to work but I cannot do this with having the DC full time...

so what is the courts position in relation to children. I really want a 50/50 custody. I don't give a damn shit how he manages that with his job (he cannot with his current role which involves frequent travel) but I cannot and will not have the DC full time even if he pays maintenance. I rather forfeit this and earn my own money and create some space for myself too.

and what do I do now? I certainly cannot afford a solicitor? where do I go? I am on carers allowance since leaving paid work. do I wait for the court papers and take things from there?

OP’s posts: |
MrsBertBibby Tue 05-Mar-19 09:24:20

Your local CAB may be able to get you a free appointment with a family solicitor. You really need to see one, even if just for advice.

Sadly, no court can compel him to have his children to facilitate you working. Shit, but that is how it is. So if he won't step up, and change his job to one that works for the kids, no one can make him.

IggyPoppers Tue 05-Mar-19 09:33:28

He can't be compelled to have the kids. Nor can he be compelled to change his job. It's shit but better to know it now and plan accordingly. You can try mediation or just talking to him. There's no reason to make it a fight as you can't make him do anything. But at least see what contact he's willing to have.

Singlenotsingle Tue 05-Mar-19 09:43:34

I know it's probably hard to think about, and I hesitate to suggest it, but you might have to consider getting dc some sort of supported residential care. Sooner or later it will have to happen anyway. (I see Katie Price is going to arrange this for Harvey).How old is he? As others have said, you can't force the ExH to have him 50% anyway.

HeddaGarbled Tue 05-Mar-19 09:53:08

You could refuse to agree to the divorce unless he agrees to 50-50 residency. Then he’ll have to wait until you have lived apart for 5 years before he can get the divorce. There’s probably a compromise in there somewhere but I absolutely agree that he should not be allowed to swan off into his future leaving you with the burden of caring. Don’t agree to or sign anything until he steps up.

flyings0l0 Tue 05-Mar-19 10:03:04

thanks - will try to get an appointment with the cab for a start.

did I get it right - he cannot be forced to have the DC 50/50? does this mean however that I can be forced to have them full time? how is that fair? what if I refuse to have them more than 50% of the time? I really need to force his hand. I have been the prisoner to my DC's SN for over a decade now. I really cannot cope any longer.

before anyone suggest SS + carers assessment - they don't want to know. we are coping fine and dont have support needs.

Residential care is not an option - these placements are hugely expensive and the last straw when everything falls apart...

OP’s posts: |
IggyPoppers Tue 05-Mar-19 10:11:48

You can't force his hand. There is no legal mechanism to do so. If both of you refuse to care for your child then ss will step in to find a placement for the child. You will be seen as the default residential parent as you've done most of the care to date. You'll have to essentially abandon your child and then SS will step in.

Maybe see a family solicitor for a free half hour so they can give you the basics. Then you can process it and decide what exactly you want to.

flyings0l0 Tue 05-Mar-19 10:17:22

thanks Iggy. I did not realise that giving up my life and supporting H in his career would screw my life up until I die. shocking how dads can get away with so much but good to know.

OP’s posts: |
IggyPoppers Tue 05-Mar-19 10:25:38

Sorry. It's so hard. I do wish more young woman fully understood the ramifications of becoming carers and giving up their careers. I have a SN child and have been home for years as well.

Venting your anger at your DH isn't going to help as tempting as it is. Is there any chance of setting some sort of childcare for DC before the divorce and so that becomes the default and will be seen as needing to continue. You'd have more luck financially getting that supported in a divorce and it would allow you to work at least a little. Could you propose that to your DH? It's in his best interest for you to work or he could well end up owing spousal maintenance. They don't often award it now but it they might because of the SN especially if he's a high earner. Worth pitching it to him that way. Most men would rather stump for childcare than spousal maintenance. As hard as it is try to go grey rock and just negotiate what's going to serve you in the long run. Spending your time shouting at someone to be a better person than they really are will get you nothing but hoarse. Good luck, OP. You'll get there.

Singlenotsingle Tue 05-Mar-19 10:43:57

Wise words Iggy. You sound quite bitter, OP, which I can understand 100%. The DC's life is never going to be normal, but don't let it destroy yours (easy to say, I know). There but for the grace of God... flowers

BatshitCrazyWoman Tue 05-Mar-19 13:56:43

I understand OP, the railing against the constraints placed on your life by a child with SN. My adult DC with SN doesn't live with me (I'm divorced) - the council pays for a residential placement and DC pays a contribution from disability benefits.

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