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Please tell me this is all normal

(6 Posts)
heartofthehouse Sat 02-Mar-19 18:26:31

H is leaving at my request, we were essentially living separately in the same house, our marriage has been in trouble since at least 2016. Not women but his work and hobbies (which are not something I am interested in or physically capable of doing). So if he isn't working he is engaging in one of his hobbies. If I suggested going out for lunch he would be there at the drop of a hat but if I suggested working together in the garden, house, cleaning the car then he would tell me he had work to do.

He is stubborn and has always been reluctant to talk about issues.

I love him but my marriage has not been what I needed it to be for a while now, loving, caring, do anything for each other, warm, shared interests.

So, he is leaving. We are both hurting. His inability to discuss anything emotional or appreciate my point of view and acknowledge my needs led us to where we are as far as I am concerned.

I started seeing a counsellor in 2017, alone, he would never agree to that, either on his own or jointly.

DD is sad, very subdued and I am worried about her.

There is no going back but I really am wondering WTF I have done even though I couldn't live like that for the next 20-30 years and I couldn't see H addressing it either.

Is it normal to doubt? I feel heartbroken right now and I didn't expect to feel like this at all.

OP’s posts: |
LittleCandle Sat 02-Mar-19 18:28:42

It is absolutely normal to feel doubt. Allow yourself to grieve, for that is what this process is. And then suddenly, you will find yourself wondering why you put up with it for so long. Be kind to yourself.

heartofthehouse Sat 02-Mar-19 18:42:30

Thanks Little, I do feel huge doubt and very sad (have been in tears most of the day), we used to be so happy but our marriage has been on a downward slope since 2016 when a couple of significant events happened for him. He has changed so much from the man I knew.

I also feel very responsible for him, we have been married a long time and he doesn't have any family left, not one person in the world apart from us and I just know that he is going to sweep this into the pile of emotional stuff he has never dealt with under the carpet in his head.

God this is grim.

OP’s posts: |
CinammonPorridge Sat 02-Mar-19 18:43:47

I would look at how much of the marriage you have felt was good. I would look at how happy you are with your own life separate from your relationship. I would say it is reasonable to expect help with the garden and home.

I would say you need to be friends with him and see what happens.

I would say that anxiety about separation is totally normal.

would give him a copy of men are from mars women are from venus.

AloneLonelyLoner Sat 02-Mar-19 19:01:34

I'm coming in to say I empathise and I think it's normal. I have to break the news to my husband of 20 years that I want a divorce in the next few weeks (I will see a lawyer first) and it will be terrible. But.....my marriage is like living in half light al the time. We are just existing. We love each other but that love is from knowing each other so long. I don't expect passion anymore, but there aren't even laughs. I think in your situation feeling heartbroken is necessary. It shows you care about him, but you have to care about yourself too. If you had never married would you be friends? Would you hang out together? If not, I think it would be good to pull away to a safe distance and find a way to find that friendship, for your sake and that of your daughter.

heartofthehouse Sat 02-Mar-19 19:26:56

Thank you both. I will just have to see how things pan out. He is (understandably) angry and hurt and I am just confused by my own feelings.

I have been spring cleaning and removing things I know he will want, paintings, ornaments, memories I guess, which has made me cry/sad.

I am generally happy with everything else cinnamon, great job which I love (am liked and respected), a few close friends, not many hobbies but enough for me - walking and yoga.

Mentioning walking makes me reflect on your "half light' comment alone, my regular weekend walks of 5-6 miles aren't challenging enough for him so I end up going alone with DD or with a friend.

Passion wasn't at all dead but his lack of emotional (or life) engagement has killed it for me in the last 12 months.

No, I don't think we would be friends alone, I am certain that he finds me boring in my fifties. He wants excitement and to be doing things I don't want to - rock climbing, sailing (which I find brutal), canoeing, open water swimming, etc., etc.. Whereas I am happy with a walk in the hills and some yoga twice a week.

I just want a nice normal existence, pay the bills, have a few holidays, dinner out, hobbies together, someone who cares as much about me as I do them.

I am not sure I would hang out with him either tbh. I find him a bit try hard, always making a political or intellectual point - not necessarily at my expense but I became weary of it (but that is probably down to the culmination of everything else).

Thanks for the thought provoking post Alone.

OP’s posts: |

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