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My husband has left me

(19 Posts)
kayaholly Sat 02-Mar-19 13:31:56

So after struggling for the last year supporting my now ex through all his BS, (He was struggling with real life issues, but used them to hide an affair) We have parted ways when I found out what he was doing, and he is currently living with his other woman until he can find somewhere else.
My concern is that I don't know if I am coping with what has happened, or simply waiting for the reality to hit me. I am trying to be the bigger person, and put the kids needs before mine, I am not limiting his access or anything like that, I have no interest in being the bitter ex wife. I am broken at how our marriage has ended, but realistically I am ok with the fact that it has. The fact that he is going to someone else to help him through this while I am dealing with the fallout with the kids and what my next steps are is really sticking in my craw, but I am trying not to react now in a way that I am going to regret when I get through this.
I know he doesn't deserve me to be this reasonable, and I know I am well within my rights to just tell him to stay clear and give me space to process what has happened, but we have a younger son who I can't bring myself to do it too.
Am I being naive in thinking that I am dealing with this in a grown up manner, or am I just setting myself up for a fall further down the line?

It is really fresh as we only separated last week, I am not holding out hope of a reconciliation, I will be honest and say that I hope it doesn't work out with this other person, simply because I don't think they deserve to be happy this way, and I am struggling with the fact that at some point I am going to have to accept that she is going to be in my kids lives and have a relationship with them. Any advice from someone who has been through this would be great, I find it really hard to process things without knowing what could crop up, and I know I haven't even thought of half the things that are going to come up and send me reeling.
Thanks in advance

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Singlenotsingle Sat 02-Mar-19 13:40:07

I think if I was in your shoes, a part of me would be grateful that this fool has gone away and taken his problems with him. He's left you and gone to stay with this OW, who may not actually want him anyway - at least not permanently, long term. You're bound to be shell shocked, and you will need time to come to terms with it but you're being mature, grown up and adult about it. You're thinking of the dc and what is best for him.

Well done for dealing with this the way you have, and if you're harbouring private thoughts about hoping it doesn't work out for them, there's nothing wrong with that either! You're entitled to feel a bit bitter, but don't let it eat you up.

OhamIreally Sat 02-Mar-19 13:42:03

I think you are doing the right thing and your future self will thank you.

After my ex left and the initial shock I decided to maintain "an elegant silence" and although sometimes I want to give him a piece of my mind I do not. It pleases me that he has no idea of my thoughts.
The only exception to my silence has been when he has implied that his low contact with DD is down to me and I have sent stern emails making it clear that his lack of contact has been entirely his own decision as I'm damned if I'm having that thrown at me.

Sorry this is happening to you but it does get easier.

kayaholly Sat 02-Mar-19 14:47:28

I just find it difficult because we had many great years, and the person my husband has turned into is not the man I have known and loved. Even when we have struggled this last year, we were making the effort, and found things to smile about, so it really kills me that while we were doing this and I was helping him with his very real troubles, he was off lying and cheating behind my back, and all of a sudden I'm separated and he is already in another settled relationship.
He has had a head start on getting his head round where we are. Don't get me wrong, I am no pushover, and I have pulled a few passive aggressive moves to make me feel better, but I just feel like telling everyone what they have done, if I am hurting they should be too, but I think in the long run I will regret it, and it probably wouldn't have the effect that I want it to have so will only hurt me more.

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housewifeoflittleitaly Sun 03-Mar-19 00:17:13

Ah Kaya, I am in the same situation. My husband left me last week with no explanation.. just s txt message after 10 years!

I am devastated but have decided like you to remain dignified about this. My beautiful kids don’t deserve a bitter mother so I am trying my best to be happy & move on emotionally.

I’ll never trust another man again & seeing couples together is so very hard. I never expected to become a single mother but I’ll just have to get in with it. Well done to you, he probably wanted you to do the pick me dance & give him lots of attention. Just focus on your own healing instead. flowers

Tamsyn143 Sun 03-Mar-19 00:21:35

Oh my gosh - what did the text message say? X

kayaholly Sun 03-Mar-19 00:50:27

Men are such twats sometimes, I don't see anything wrong with owning your bullshit. We are grown ups, and yes it might hurt like hell, but instead of just grieving for my marriage and the relationship we had, I am left feeling used and abused, I may forgive him eventually because we have the kids to think of, but I will never forget what he has done to me. I just keep thinking Karma is a bitch and she will catch up with both of them, but he unfortunately is one of the lucky people who lands in shite and comes up smelling of roses.

And that is exactly what I am trying to do Housewife, maintain my dignity so at least my kids have one decent Parent and hopefully he steps up to the plate, and actually treats them with a bit more respect than he has done for the last few months. A text message is harsh though what is he 16??
I am not a man basher, I am sure there are plenty of good ones out there, but a lot of women are left in this situation and it seems way to easy for them. He has a great job, a great new life, a great new woman (His opinion not mine, personally I think there is something not right with someone who sucks in the married man cliche) and I am left to deal with the house and the kids and paste a smile on and act like my world hasn't just crumbled around me, it really sucks.

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Ferfeckssake Sun 03-Mar-19 08:09:46

So sorry that you are going through this.And yes, it really does suck.
I recently discovered that my DH had an EA which ended, but as you say they have time on their side, but this is a whole new revelation to you to come to terms with.

I have decided to stay in the marriage and We are working together in this with a therapist.

But I do struggle with the fact that apart from dealing with the upset, there is no real "punishment" for his actions.

So, I totally understand how you feel towards your DH and the OW. They seem to have no repercussions for the nasty betrayal they indulged.It seems SO unfair that he can behave so badly and seemingly get away with it and life seems pretty good for him.

Meanwhile, you are left with the every day responsibilities of having DC on your own.And have to look forward to dealing with all the stress that divorce brings.

One reason I agreed therapy ( I originally wanted to LTB) was because I wanted help to deal with MY emotions.I did not want my bitterness, resentfulness and trauma to affect ME.

It must be so much harder having to remain OK in front of your DCs.I hope you have some support in RL to help you get through.
It is good that he has a great job - maybe making sure that he fulfilled all his financial obligations to you and DC will give you some small satisfaction.

Truly feel for you at this difficult time.flowers

kayaholly Sun 03-Mar-19 11:26:42

Thank you lovely people for the feedback, it really does help to feel that what I am feeling is normal (not that I am happy that anyone else is feeling it too )
At the minute I have given him full access to our youngest, and the older 2 are both 20 ish, so they are able to make their own decisions. I am just trying really hard not to say all the terrible things he deserves to have thrown at him in front of them, and I have asked them not to take sides, but frankly he is not the sort of person now that I would normally allow round my kids because I don't really like them associiating with scumbags :P
I am just bouncing from feeling that I am being strong and mature to feeling like I am a pussy for just caving him and giving him his own way even though it's whats best for DC.
I admire that you took him back FFS, and the doing it for you totally makes sense, I have said that if we are to move forward I need to get closure which he is letting me have, he will come round and sit and let me throw bile at him, but he doesn't look like he is hurting at all which just makes me all the more angry.
I understand shit happens and people grow apart, but we have been best friends since we got together so young, I don't believe that he can't be feeling some level of pain for what he has done even if he has moved on, and it would make this so much easier if I could at least feel that he didn't do this so easily.
He has said that he still cares, and he wants to get to a point for the kids sake that we can reach a friendship, all of which is fine and I will be able to get there eventually, but I cannot trust a word out of his mouth and can't help feeling he's just spilling out more BS to manipulate me.
Normally when I'm this pissed off at him I am able to shout at him, and get it out, and due to the way we are now, I don't want to put myself in a aplace where it's going to hurt or embarrass the extended family.
Quite frankly girls we are amazing, they were/are lucky to have us, and I know he's going to have lost out on the best thing that ever happened to him which is his relationship with his kids, because it's never going to be the same for them, and that hurts me for hima s much as for the kids.

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Ilovecrumpets Sun 03-Mar-19 11:29:11

I’m sorry you are going through this.

I was in a very similar position just over a year ago. I took a similar approach to you - no way was my ex going to see how much I was hurting. I also didn’t want to give any more of my life to him by becoming bitter and angry - I can see that in the long run it only hurts me.

On the whole I’ve maintained this approach. I still question myself though - am I somehow in denial, will this all hit me, am
I actually behaving like this because he still has a hold on me: because deep down I still want him in my life?

I guess I’ve come to the conclusion that we all have to find our own way through separation and that also it takes a long time to separate yourself from a long term relationship ( mine was 17 years!). And that’s ok.

A year on and I do still feel very sad at times ( actually today being one - I’m unwell, the kids are with ex and OW at a family event) but the intense pain has definitely lessened in its frequency. Also I realise that most of the time I miss the family unit, the person ex was and not who he became.

It is hard though - particularly as it usually falls to the woman to rebuild the life and take most of the responsibility for the kids. And it’s hard being apart from your DC when it’s forced on you, hearing about OW with kids and jus hard to renvisage your life. I often feel like both my past and future was taken - whilst he waltzes into a new life whilst also getting to dip into family life.

So many people do tell me though it will get better and better and I think you just have to try and hold on to that being true. There are some lovely bits as well - I feel like a little unit with my DCs now, and I do enjoy being able to just do what I want with them just me and them. I’ve also surprisingly really loved some little holidays we have taken together. And I think on the whole the house is lighter in atmosphere - if that makes any sense? I’ve also found it strangely liberating to realise I can’t protect the DC from everything, that I can just be there for them and do my best.

Wishing you lots of strength - try and do the odd small nice thing for yourself sometimes so you don’t get lost in the day to day. I’ve also found some lovely posters on mumsnet - there are a few threads running where complete strangers are so supportive.

Ilovecrumpets Sun 03-Mar-19 11:36:38

@kayaholly try writing down all the things you want to say to him - either in a diary or in a letter to him and then throw it away. It does help! A diary can be good as a year on you can read back and see how far you have come.

My ex also does the ‘I still care, I hope we can be friends’. Honestly I think they do that for themselves and to ease the guilt. I know so many men who seem to think that because they are happy their wife and DC should be equally happy at the way things have turned out. One thing to watch for is not to let him make you feel guilty that you aren’t friends etc ( sounds bonkers but I know I felt like that at times!).

I’m coming to the conclusion that I won’t be friends with my ex - I will be civil and pleasant because of the DC but that’s it. I would never treat a friend the way ex treated me ( I completely accept some relationships end but for me there is no excuse for cheating and then behaving the way my ex did afterwards). It has taken me nearly a year to get to this point though - as I think deep down at some level I did still want him in my life in a meaningful way. That i still needed some kind of connection. It’s particularly hard when you have kids so you have to communicate.

My counsellor gave me a really good piece of advice re my ex - look at their behaviour not what they are saying. Because their actions tell you who they really are. And sadly some of them really aren’t feeling the sadness and guilt you think that they must be deep down.

Andyjakeydan Sun 03-Mar-19 11:54:53

Kayaholly....i’ve known about my stbexw affair for nearly 4 months now and my hatred for om is absolute,probably not healthy but its how i feel

kayaholly Sun 03-Mar-19 11:57:17

I am loving the fact that my relationship with my kids is already changing Crumpets, I was already incredibly proud of my kids, but the older two and how they are handling this is kind of a reinforcent of the fact that we didn't complete make a hash of raising them, in my schizo moments, that helps keep me sane, how I handle this is going to have a direct impact on how they get through it.

And this thought that I am fooling myself into thinking I am doing ok because I needed him to go, I am waiting for it to wear off and the whole crappy situation to hit me all at once, and I am really worried about that. I am okay now, but I took a week off work to help DC3 through this, he has ASD and was really not coping well with the big changes in the house.
That advice your counseller gave you is actually something I have said to him, I need to see that he is in pain, he has been closed off from all of us for so long, and now I know why, and it's not his normal self, or not the one I am used to dealing with. I need to see that he is still capable of feeling something, and so do his kids. If they can't trust that he is missing them and sorry for the pain he has caused to them, putting me aside, they are never going to want to have anything to do with him. He is showing no sign of guilt or regret for hurting us, and that's just shit quite frankly.

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kayaholly Sun 03-Mar-19 11:59:52

I wish I could hate him, Andy, I do sometimes, but generally just sad and angry. That's why I'm concerned about the fact that I am not being realistic in how I'm coping, total hatred is the way I would expect to be feeling.

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Ferfeckssake Mon 04-Mar-19 06:41:09

Crumpets Yeah , " Friends". Who the hell needs a friend that betrayed you like that.I am sure that you have enough friends, what you wanted was a loyal , decent DH
Kayaholly My situation a bit different as no DCs living at home to consider.Both in their 20s .We decided not to tell them until I we decided what I wanted to do.Sometimes pisses me off that he still gets to be a good guy in their eyes.And because I can be often curt with him, I am perhaps seen as grumpy.
We are in therapy because he wanted to stay in the marriage and I wanted help.It was very gratifying to hear the therapist put to him how his selfish actions damaged so much .
Your DH is deluding himself that he is an OK guy and trying to justify his actions.The OW is also deluding herself as what she has is not some great partner, but a proven liar and a cheat. Good luck with that.Some prize.
Time will deal with the fallout.Every time you post, you seem stronger.Hope you have support to get you through.flowers

kayaholly Mon 04-Mar-19 15:31:49

Staying together wasn't an option, he wants to be with her, I'm not happy with that, but I'm happy that I don't want him either. It's just shit that we could have ended our marriage differently and the kids weren't what on in such a massive way. I'm struggling with what he done because I thought he was better than that, but I am honest enough to know that the person he has turned into isn't good enough for me, I can still see a light at the end of the tunnel, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like a bitch, but I am a big believer in Karma, so I'm not going to lower myself to their level.
That gives me a bit of strength, and I know i'll be okay again eventually.

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Andyjakeydan Mon 04-Mar-19 17:39:44

You’re not alone in what you’re going through,i know its a vile time but we’ll all come through it with our heads held high👍

kayaholly Tue 05-Mar-19 10:06:24

Thanks so much guys, this has really helped me this week, definitely having a better couple of days smile

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Mads2017 Wed 24-Apr-19 03:01:38

Hey

How are you going? Your story sounds like mine. Husband became depressed and said he needed space. I supported him thinking he was having a mental breakdown - he was having a mental breakdown deciding to leave me and his 3 year old daughter. I asked him if he was having an emotional or physical affair and it was constant denials. Fast forward 12 months and he asks for a divorce. I find out he is on holidays with his woman and that they got engaged. Yep!!! So anyway it’s hard - very hard. She was his subordinate at work and he has moved countries to be with her. I think I’m in the hate stage of grief because I despise him. I’m glad he has moved as I don’t have to see his ugly face. Plus he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to be part of his daughters life by moving countries. He doesn’t make much effort to see her. Anyway this is one of the worse times in my life. I’m scared. I didn’t think I’d ever be a single mum and I loved and trusted my ex so much. Anyway I am waiting for karma to rear her head. Everyone says it will. I just want to move on with my life and be a role model for my daughter.

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