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Anyone else who's decided to split but hasn't told partner yet?

(19 Posts)
Misty9 Wed 27-Feb-19 10:23:02

This is the boat I'm in and I wondered if anyone else is and would like to give each other support in this limbo period? For various reasons I don't think I can broach it until the Easter holidays.

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Misty9 Wed 27-Feb-19 19:44:58

One thing I'm struggling with Is, if I don't say anything yet then I'm left questioning whether it's the right decision (it is) whereas if I tell him then it's done and things will start changing. I've had years of feeling unsure and torn so I don't want to feel like that anymore. Not sure I'm making sense... blush

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bluebell2017 Thu 28-Feb-19 15:16:53

I'm in the same boat.

I have made the decision in my head, just plucking up courage to get on with it.

I had a few sessions with a counsellor before Christmas. One of the things she helped me see was that I have been in a covertly controlling relationship for years, leading to a loss of confidence in myself and my own judgement. Making it very difficult to take back control over my own life and make my own decisions.

Another thing is that I am very conflict-avoidant, so the thought of setting off a massive conflict (I.e. a divirce) is something I am by nature averse to.

I have literally no idea how dh will react.

Misty9 Thu 28-Feb-19 18:38:59

Sorry to hear you’re in the same boat @bluebell2017 flowers though your partner sounds like he deserves to be left!

I have no idea how dh will react either - he’s autistic so could just shut down or get quite cold and matter of fact (more than usual!). I’m pondering sharing my thoughts with him as far as saying I’m thinking we should separate, and see what he says.

When do you think you’ll tell yours? Do you need to get practical stuff sorted first? I needed a job and I start one next week.

It’s so overwhelming even thinking about it!

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bluebell2017 Thu 28-Feb-19 20:13:31

After writing my post earlier, I was inspired to finally make a free appointment with a solicitor. It was scary actually hitting "send" on the email, but I keep asking myself "Do I still want to be in the same position next year, or in five years, or ten years?" and that thought gave me the courage to go for it.
Anyway, seems like I will be able to see someone next week, although this still has to be confirmed. It's scary yet somehow exciting, too. I think I have felt so overwhelmed, not really knowing where to start, so hopefully things will get a bit clearer. Maybe you could do something similar as a first step? I looked on the Resolution website and found a couple of local-ish solicitors who offer a free initial consultation - not all do.
I don't have a job at the moment, having been a SAHM for years. One of my questions for the solicitor is whether to wait til I have a job or not.
My dh certainly has traits associated with autism, although he has never had a diagnosis. Lacking in empathy, very attached to a routine, very literal. If I had to guess, I think he will react first by telling me that I am being silly and I don't really mean it. Moving on then to "Ok, if you want to do X, we can do X. " (I don't want to say what X is, because of a silly paranoia that everyone who knows me in real life has known I have wanted to do it for years and so I will be "outed". )

Misty9 Fri 01-Mar-19 15:24:05

Well done you for moving things forward. My head has been a mess today. I'm being a bit off with dh as I feel I can't say what's really on my mind without it being a good time. I'm out this evening too so don't want to start a conversation and have to pause it. I'm pretty sure we need to separate - I just want this bit over with! sad

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bluebell2017 Sun 03-Mar-19 22:25:23

Are you sure you want to end it? I had a few sessions with a counsellor because I was "unsure what to do" and one of the things she asked was whether I wanted to try any strategies to see if I could improve my relationship. But as soon as she asked, I realised I didn't really want things to improve, I just wanted out. In fact, if things improved a bit, maybe I could stick it out for a few more years. But, at heart, I know my marriage is over. Things were never really that great and I have never felt dh knows me.

Would you want to stay with your OH if things could somehow improve, or do you think things are at a point where no improvement would be enough to make it worth staying?

bluebell2017 Mon 04-Mar-19 12:03:47

Surely we can't be the only ones in this position? I have a first solicitors appointment for later this week and, to be honest, I'm quite scared. It is something that has been on my mind for ages but it is still frightening, taking this step.

Misty9 Mon 04-Mar-19 13:38:56

I actually had the conversation with dh on Saturday evening so, as it stands, we are splitting up. But, we've also said we'll try counselling again and now I've put it out there it'll take one of us to actually do something to move anything forwards. Iyswim. I also know in my heart it's never going to be what I need. Day to day, it's fine and we rub along. But when an issue comes up or I need emotional support, it doesn't work and we hit crisis point. So it's how often we want to go around that cycle really. And I'm tired of it.

Well done for booking the appointment. It sounds like you feel it's the right thing so it's just getting through the hard part of actually getting things moving in a different direction flowers

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bluebell2017 Mon 04-Mar-19 19:01:56

There was a book I read once called "Too bad to stay, too good to leave", by Mira Kirshenbaum. Basically, you answer a series of questions about your relationship, and for each answer the author discusses whether people who answered the question a certain way were, in general, happier to end or continue with the relationship. It's something I think about quite a lot, because the vast majority of my answers (something like 17 or 18 out of 20) suggested I would be happier leaving. I would recommend looming at it, or at least considering the questions. There is a summary here:
thepowermoves.com/too-good-to-leave-too-bad-to-stay-book-summary/

I know what you mean about rubbing along,because we can do that, sort of. Well, it means me putting up with no end of annoyances, but in a sense, things aren't that bad. But in another sense, they are awful.

Well done for having the conversation with your dh. How did he take it? Are you sure you want to end things, or do you think there could be a way through?

Misty9 Tue 05-Mar-19 21:16:06

Thanks for that - I have read that book (and many others!) Books are my first port of call for support. Dh took it okay and it's all very reasonable so far. No, I'm not 100% sure about ending it but I'm not sure I ever will be. We're going to try counselling again but the main issues are that amenable to change as they're related to his ASD. I've just started a new job and my head is a mess so I'm shelving anything else for a bit else I'll explode!

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bluebell2017 Tue 05-Mar-19 22:13:36

Hope the new job goes well.

I wish I had some advice to offer, but I am just muddling through myself. When i am wavering, thinking he maybe isn't that bad, I try to imagine being at a fixed point in the future and asking myself if I would like to think we might still be together in 1 year, or 5 years, or 10. And even the thought of being in the same position as I am now in 1 year, let alone 5 or 10, fills me with horror.

There is no one big thing I can point at - no affair, no violence, no gambling debts - just a slow death by a thousand cuts. From what I can gather, that is actually quite a common reason for relationships to end.

Misty9 Tue 05-Mar-19 22:24:42

I can definitely relate to that. I also ask myself if I'd want this sort of marriage for my daughter; and no, not if she wasn't happy.
flowers

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Trigger2 Mon 11-Mar-19 10:33:54

I made the decision finally last month. I’ve spent the last few weeks getting my ducks in a row so to speak, and I told him last week.

He’s refusing to accept that I am leaving and that it is over. This is so hard. The guilt, the suicide threats, the love bombing, I’m just finding it suffocating.

For anyone else in a similar position please prepare yourself for anything and everything being thrown at you. It’s truly horrible. But saying that I know I have made the right decision for my own sanity. Hugs

IntentsAndPorpoises Mon 11-Mar-19 12:04:39

I think I'm in this position. I've been wavering for a few years, but then things slightly improve. But I met up with an old friend recently and realise how unhappy I am. My dh has an assessment coming up for autism, our dd has ASD. I think it's fairly obvious that he does too. I just sometimes feel like I can't cope with both of them.

And I know if he does have ASD, it isn't his fault, but then should I live the rest of my life without affection, and the way he speaks to me because of that- it isn't my fault either.

Our relationship has never been great and I had reservations about marring him. If we hadn't had dc so soon after I would have left by now.

The issue for me is money. I can't afford to buy him out of the mortgage, we can't afford to rent somewhere and take turns living in the house. I could afford the mortgage, but couldn't pay him his equity. Then there is joint debt. And the kids. Oldest would be devastated and DD would struggle because of her ASD- and if we had to move house as well, this would further hinder her.

Misty9 Mon 11-Mar-19 12:38:59

Sounds like we're in a similar boat intentsandporpoises with ASD in the family. I'm worried about how ds will cope with all the changes too as it's looks like we'll sell the house and both get new places (me probably renting to start with). What do you think your next step is?

It's scary and sad but it is the right decision and we're both slowly coming to terms with it. I think we might tell the kids soon, although I can't decide whether I should move out now or stay put until the house sells - and if i do the latter then do the kids need to know now?

Spoke to a divorce solicitor this morning and having an initial fixed fee meeting next week. It all feels very real now sad

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IntentsAndPorpoises Mon 11-Mar-19 20:50:41

I don't know. I need to get things straight in my head I suppose. Ironically he has been trying harder recently, but it's not enough. I swing between thinking it is possible ASD and then thinking that at least dd tells me she loves me, shows me affection.

Think I'm going to read that too good to leave too bad to stay book.

Moffa Mon 11-Mar-19 20:56:02

Hi Misty,

I’m in a very similar boat (saw you over on the Aspergers thread). My H is undiagnosed but has all the traits of ASD/HFA.

I’ve decided to leave but am going on April quietly when I have a window of opportunity as H is away for a few days. I know it’s cruel (I’m struggling with that) but I also think it’s the best way to leave calmly. He will go fucking mental. He’s horrible to me though so I’m sure even he must see our marriage isn’t working.

I had a breakdown in January after a particularly difficult time and saw a GP. I was referred for therapy, assessed, and allocated to the domestic abuse team. I explained that while there are hallmarks of domestic abuse I think so much of it is down to his ASD rather than ‘intentional’ abuse so to speak. First session with therapist tomorrow & I’m looking forward to trying to get some clarity about what has happened and hopefully find my way through a divorce with my mental health intact. I’m seeing a solicitor on Monday. I think now I’ve made the decision I’d just like to get through the next 6 months.

So I am with you all here on this thread. Good luck to us all flowers

IntentsAndPorpoises Mon 11-Mar-19 21:06:11

Is it possible to get a free/cheap appointment with a solicitor to discuss stuff? I need to know what is likely in regard to house and debts. I think we could be great co-parents and friends. I have a feeling he will turn nasty though.

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