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Horrible wobbles(6 Posts)
Hi all. I've been separated from my H for 6 months although he only moved out 2 months ago. We were married 20 years and have two kids, 21 and 17.
It took me a long time to ask him to leave, but when he did, I felt nothing but relief. The atmosphere in my home is lighter, my kids are happier, I'm so much happier.
My problem is, all of a sudden he is full of regret. I get texts daily telling me how full of regret he is. He has started doing the things I've asked him to do for years such as get help for his drink problem, get counselling for his anger etc etc. He's doing all the right things.
I have to admit, there are times I miss him but when I ask myself why, I can't work it out. I was thoroughly miserable when we were together. I can't imagine ever kissing him again or having sex with him again. The attraction has gone and to a large extent, the love.
So why do I occasionally find myself just thinking " oh let him come home and stop this " . Is it because he's still manipulating me? Is it because I'm still a sap and he sees this as yet another hollow threat?
And more so what do I do? My life without him is good. I have energy, I laugh, sing, have fun with the kids. It's all good.
Do I just ignore him? Which is hard as we communicate regarding the children.
Any advice on how to stay strong and focused very welcome..
I don't have any answers but your story really resonated with me. I'm just going through divorcing an alcoholic, my H is still in the house. I long for freedom you've described, the lift of the weight from the household, the laughter, the freedom to sing.
My H has cut back a lot on the booze, he's trying to sort himself out. I've been here with him many times, but there's just that thing in the back of my mind that says "what if this time he really does beat it?" It disarms me in a way. I spent so long making a decision to separate based on one scenario and then he goes and moves things around!
The fact is, he probably won't stick to it. He definitely won't if I take him back because I'll just be putting back in place all the things that enabled him to ignore his problems for so long in the first place. I think my H (and yours) have their own journeys to embark on now and they really have to figure out all the bits for themselves. It's possible your H has reached his rock bottom and finally realised that only he can fix this. You have to leave him to it, you can be detached and have compassion at the same time, but it takes a lot of practice!
It's sad, we've had to take a new path too, one we didn't plan for, that wasn't what we expected or wanted. But you have your own life to live now, and you get to choose start happens, without having to rely on hoping someone else can deal with their problems
you get to choose *what happens meant
Thank you @Tiddleypops You're right in so many ways. If I asked him to come back then things would all too soon slip back into the same old routine of him drinking, us arguing blah blah blah.
He has certainly hit a low. I think that's the hardest aspect of all this, seeing him depressed, remorseful, crying. I feel like I need every ounce of strength at times to not comfort him. But he didn't comfort me when I was struggling with his behaviour, lies and drinking.
This is going to be a case of reminding myself of the reality of being married to an alcoholic and the reality of being separated and free.
Yes, I know where you are coming from. You've spent years doing that and it's a really hard habit to break! Have you been to Al-anon (partner group to AA, specifically for friends and family of alcoholics). I go once a week and it really helps me to keep the focus on myself. Everyone there just gets it because their situations are all so similar.
@Tiddleypops I've looked into it a couple of times but up until now I've not gone to any meetings. Maybe now is the time.
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