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DH leaving me

(27 Posts)
fingernailsbitten Thu 21-Feb-19 13:05:16

My DH has decided after keeping me hanging on for months that he wants to be alone, he thinks.

He has gone out of his way to organise meet ups with various friends and family (that he usually doesn't bother to make the effort to see).
This is all so he is not at home with me. He works a lot of shifts and often leaves the house at 3am to go to work. He stopped sleeping in the marital bed in December firstly by claiming he was watching late night tv and fell asleep so got up and then went to work. Subsequently he simply 'did not want to sleep in that room'. I now know he has sometimes walked around the streets for hours on end just so he did not have to enter our home because I was there. I guess that once he saw our bedroom light switch on and then switch off he would be safe to assume I'd gone to bed. He's been buying bottles of lemonade and coke and multi packs of crisps cakes biscuits and keeping them down the side of his bed (the settee he sleeps on in lounge). He's existing on microwave meals that he either eats before I come home from work or after I've gone to bed. For weeks I've been asking what is going on here? He would always answer 'I don't know. I think I want to be alone, maybe'. Yesterday i asked him Have you decided? He said 'yeah i want to be on my own, i think'. So that's that. I have asked him to move out. I suspect he won't move out.

I thought perhaps he was going through some mental health stuff but he denies it. I have tried asking questions and also tried giving him space.

He part owns a property that his mum used to live in. It is now empty so he could move there temporarily.

Communication between us has broken down and has been awful for about 2 years. I have tried being busy myself, making friends at a sports club, giving him space and time to think. I've found not telling him stuff about my day, week, month ahead hard. He's shut down from me. I would love to sort it all out and put it behind us but I don not think he wants any of that so I'll have to accept the rejection and I have to move on now for my own sanity and mental health.
My world is falling apart. I am so upset and hurt and rejected. I have support of my family and female friends. I assume i'll recover from this over time

OP’s posts: |
BringMeAGinAndTonic Thu 21-Feb-19 18:33:23

I am so sorry you're going through this. I went through similar and it was hard at first but it gets better eventually, just have to take it one day at a time. Some days are harder than others. Lean on friends and family through this so you have comfort.

If he thinks he needs to be alone, then he should move out. He can't live some hybrid alone life because it's causing you stress and hurt in him doing so. Have you suggested he move to the property he part owns with him mum? I'd tell him since he wants to be alone, he needs to get the ball rolling so you can heal, move on, all that good stuff.

eve34 Thu 21-Feb-19 19:53:20

I'm sorry you are going through this. He hasn't shown himself to be a good man in his behaviour. My ex did six months of coming and going. When suddenly he moved out and new gf appeared.

As hard as it is the best thing you can do is get him to move to the other property. Talk about money/house/kids. And be clear how this is going to work moving forward.

It is good you have people around you. Lean on them. They want to be supportive. Take each day as it comes. It does get easier but your world has been turned upside down. It will take time.

fingernailsbitten Fri 22-Feb-19 10:57:49

Thank you both. He has not moved out. He's lingering.
I asked him last night when he is moving out and he said tomorrow i.e. today. So I guess we'll see if he does move out today. He's at work til approx 4pm today.
As much as I want him to work through this tough time with me I can't keep hurting like this. It's uncomfortable and unpleasant. I can't even ask my parents or friends round as he has taken the lounge as his bedsit.Dirty bed clothes, dirty crockery, curtains permanently closed. Work uniform on the chair. He would get annoyed if I moved anything so I don't go in there. It will be a relief when he moves out. I can get to have a new normal.
I don't think he has a girlfriend as there are no indicators. He could be a good liar but I don't think he could be bothered. He's being a lazy slob.
As petty as it sounds I have deliberately not done any housework or washing up or laundry. Sooner or later he'll realise this. He has always not thrown away any used squash bottles, plastic milk bottles or carboard packaging as he always left them on the worktops (for me the 'housekeeping fairy' to throw away). He's left about a dozen dirty coffee cups and all the spoons in the cups in the kitchen. So I'm following suit and doing the same as him. The kitchen now looks messy. I've left empty packaging from food, empty pet food boxes on the worktops, cups and cutlery i've used on every surface of the kitchen. I'm not doing any work in the sense of housekeeping at all. Once he moves out I'll blitz the lot. He's always been capable of being lazy so I'll let the kitchen get bad and he'll see that I don't care either. I do care and i hate seeing it like it is but it's a little victory.

I plan to have my family over for sunday lunch as soon as he's gone. They've all stayed away because of his lazy behaviours as they are cross for me that he carries on as he does.

OP’s posts: |
eve34 Fri 22-Feb-19 12:29:02

Hope that he does go today. It sounds like a very difficult situation for you.

Weenurse Sat 23-Feb-19 23:36:39

Has he gone yet?

fingernailsbitten Mon 25-Feb-19 01:13:04

DH has moved out of our house. I'm feeling sad. I hope he realises what he's missing.

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Middlrm Mon 25-Feb-19 01:24:42

I am so sorry that he has happened.

You have emotionally been living apart for two years already the physical side is just the final part.

I hope you find it easier than you think you do and a relief.

If you want him back after then suggest couple counselling course to him and see if he will agree,m.

Plus side is your work load is going to decrease as is your emotional baggage read this article I think it’s very apt for you x x

Big hugs

fingernailsbitten Mon 25-Feb-19 01:42:52

Hi. I clicked the link but it says page is broken.

I want him to emotionally reconnect with me. I want to do counselling but he said no. I hope he wakes up to the reality that he and I were and are worth making the effort. He's been selfish for a long time. I really wish he just needs some space to see that his job and shifts and tiredness have made him make himself unavailable. What kind of relationship survives 3am shifts and extreme tiredness over the weekends. He could try putting me first sometimes. He has walked away from our home and pets. I have no idea if he's told any of his family that he's moved out

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fingernailsbitten Mon 25-Feb-19 01:44:40

The last night he slept in the lounge was Thurs 21st Feb. The date will stay with me forever

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letsdolunch321 Mon 25-Feb-19 02:14:04

Give yourself time, take the situation a day at a time.

Be kind to yourself 💐

eve34 Mon 25-Feb-19 12:47:13

It will become easier. The hurt is so raw right now. Time to get busy cleaning the house. Move things around buy new bedding and some flowers. Make some small changes and declutter as you go.

I read somewhere a month for each tear you were together. And I can honestly say now after 14 months I feel more at peace with things.

Just go Day by day. And do what you need too.

fingernailsbitten Mon 25-Feb-19 14:05:44

Thank You.
Married 18 years, together for 24 years in total. I'm 44.
I want him to miss me. I want to feel worthy and special and cared for. I'm probably in denial.
I've bought some flowers for the garden pots and their bright colours have cheered me up a bit. I work full time so I'm occupied on weekdays. I do a sport on two nights per week.
I am going to de-clutter and sort some stuff out for charity.

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fingernailsbitten Mon 25-Feb-19 14:06:11

Thank you Eve and letsdolunch.

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fingernailsbitten Fri 01-Mar-19 13:48:32

Just checking in.
Our young cat went missing last night and did not come back til this morning. Because she's never gone missing for 15 hours before I felt I had to let him know. I whatsapped a message to DH and before he got to reply the cat showed up (PHEWWWW) so I could actually have avoided telling him anythiing and I wouldn't have needed to contact him at all. I'm cross with myself now as it could seem like I lied but it was geniune. I don't want DH to think I wanted to make contact. He has made no inroads to collect the rest of his clothes etc. He is still parking his car in the garage because the car is a soft top and he always worries the roof will get damaged/scratched if he parks it in the road. His washing up pile is still sitting ther waiting for him to deal with it. I suspect he might have a rest day (shiftwork) today and I wouldlay money on the probability that he's gone in to our house today as he knows for a fact I would be out all day at work. I might buy a motion activated camera.

OP’s posts: |
eve34 Fri 01-Mar-19 18:50:29

It is a very hard habit to break contact. This person use to be your go to person every day to share your joy and woes. And to be your support.

I remember it well and still now miss having that someone. I have managed to only communicate about the children now for about six months. I miss him. But it is for the best.

Oddly enough I had a text sent from ex at 4am just said 'about?' A few weeks ago. I woke up to it in the morning. I didn't reply. I wanted to. But know I need to not engage.

Hope that you can begin to start the process of moving on. And begin to heal. You deserve better.

lifebegins50 Sat 02-Mar-19 12:39:51

Do you get on with his family? Have they made any contact with you?

He has emotionally disconnected from you and you say if started 2 years ago, did anything change then? It could be midlife crisis but that doesn't mean it is fixable.
He may realise what he has lost but don't expect it to happen soon.

As sad as it is this could be a chance for an new life for you and you may look back and realise he has done you a favour.

For now it will be shock. Wait a little while and then instigate separation/divorce proceedings as getting clarity over finances will be important.

fingernailsbitten Mon 04-Mar-19 12:01:09

lifebegins I always used to get on with his family and i've always made the effort to remember birthdays and anniversaries etc. Recently his sister has been No Contact with me but I don't know why. Has father remarried a decade ago. His mother has died. His father's new wife is lovely.
I wish I knew what he'd said about this situation to his father and wife.
DH has a brother who has a very long-term partner. DH and spent Christmas day with them and as far as I knew DH and I were good and having a great Christmas Day.

No-one has contacted me. I don't feel it would be right for me to inform his family of our separation as it's his family not mine. I don;t want drama or attention.

Part of me wishes DH would realise that I am still a good person, kind, caring and loving. I genuinely think he is suffering from depression but he refuses to approach anyone to seek help. I can't make him get help. He used to say his job would be affected and he didn't want his colleagues talking about him behind his back.

He came to the house briefly on Saturay to collect his car but he did not try to speak to me. I did not try to speak to him. I know I would get upset and emotional and I don't want him to see my feelings. He brought his car back yesterday to park it in the garage. He won't keep the car where he is currently living as there is no garage. I think his car insurance states he must garage the car.

He is one for burying his head in the sand. It seems this will continue. it's borderline whether I could buy him out of our house but i'd like to if the time comes. For now I'm kind of waiting to see what he does. If he geniunely wants to separate, then divorce then there's not point me hoping to reconcile our marriage. I would reconcile in a heartbeat but only if things are discussed properly and he acknowledges how he has acted towards me.
I would have respect for him if he would talk and communicate but that's just the issue: he can't resolve issues.

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7yo7yo Mon 04-Mar-19 12:09:03

I think you need to take control op.
It sounds like your living in an awful limbo.
See a solicitor so at least you know where you stand.

lifebegins50 Mon 04-Mar-19 12:42:17

Op, you sound like a lovely person.

I know depression would be a good answer to this but you mentioned he is meeting up with people and making efforts that he previously hadn't done before. That doesn't sound like depression, more like he wants to change his life. It's incredibly sad for you but you are right to have firm boundaries as you deserve better.

Some people are able to just disconnect and walk away without a second glance. It says more about them than you.

Just remember you are worth more than how he is treating you.

fingernailsbitten Mon 04-Mar-19 13:58:35

He has not taken things I would hav thought were important to him. He has NOT taken his expensive watch that he bought for himself, his passport, bank papers, photos of his mum, sentimental things that were his mother's. Most of his clothes are still in the wardrobe. His smart suits are still in the suit carriers on the front of the wardrobe.
What's going on here?

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Jon65 Mon 04-Mar-19 14:35:30

He can't quite break free. Let him go. Box everything up, put it all outside in the garage. Tell him he has moved out. Start seeing friends and build a life for yourself. The alternative is the next 5 years in limbo while he sees if he can find someone else, then he'll decide to divorce you. Be good to yourself and honest with yourself and make him go now,

Summerdreamss Thu 07-Mar-19 21:36:45

Depression is common when working shifts and tiredness etc. I've been in the brunt of this and currently going through the it with DH

Palaver1 Fri 08-Mar-19 06:06:30

I used to think that marriage meant marrying the family
If you feel you want to speak to whoever in the family then do it why can’t you draw attention to yourself
This is your relationship and marriage your talking about.
Your not ready to give up on your marriage and your not even certain he is.
So if you need to talk to members of his family for more understanding do it .if they care about the both of you they will hopefully support or at least give you some answers

lifebegins50 Fri 08-Mar-19 08:15:47

I think you should speak to the family, maybe MIL first. It is strange that his sister has gone NC with you.

How are you coping?

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