I'm looking for advice for my friend, who is planning to divorce her abusive, controlling husband after 20 years. They have 2 children, a son aged 18 and a daughter aged 14. My friend has been a SAHM for 18 years and works a few hours a week. This suits her husband, who likes to have control over her. The kids take her for granted a bit (typical teenagers I suppose) and don't have much respect for her - it seems their father's lack of respect has probably rubbed off on them. My friend suffers from anxiety and depression, and has done so, on and off, for years. She lacks confidence and he has used her weaknesses to manipulate and control her. He has been physically violent twice, and has been gaslighting her too, saying that she belongs in a mental hospital and she is ruining their lives. It's not true - she is worth 10 of him and he's caused most of her MH problems, and she now realises it.
Their son takes after his father in many ways, they are both a bit anti-social, and possibly both of them are on the autistic spectrum (my friend's opinion, no formal diagnosis). He seems the sort that may never marry or leave home, and is close to his father, so there is no way he would want to live with his mother. The daughter is very bright and independent for her age, and plans to go to uni. Both children have been brainwashed by their father, and blame my friend for everything that has gone wrong, but my friend is hopeful that in time her daughter is likely to understand why she had to leave, and would want to join her, when she moves out to her own place, after the settlement is paid.
Both children are upset by all the arguments between her parents (there have been many, causing tears all around). The husband is now sleeping on the sofa, and my friend intends to have a legal separation and stick things out until she can get a divorce settlement, then buy a 2 bed flat somewhere.
My friend has made it clear to her husband that the marriage is over and she wants to divorce. He is trying all sorts of tactics to put things off. Without being too outing, there are many reasons why her husband would never move out from the family home (business and hobby related), so she will be the one to leave. However, he is the main breadwinner and she only works a few hours a week, so the cash side is going to be difficult, until she finds a better job. She is concerned that even then he may try to claim child support from her.
Husband says that if she sticks it out for another 4 years till daughter leaves for uni, then he will let her live an independent life, seperate rooms, he won't interfere, then when daughter leaves he will extend mortage and pay friend her half. BUT he also said that he does not want her to see a solicitor, it just costs money, they should go through mediation, and if she gets a solicitor he is going to make life difficult. Friend feels he is just stalling/lying, and she needs advice from a solicitor, but her husband has controlled her for 20 years and now wants to control the divorce too.
I've done some online research and it seems that mediation has now become a mandatory step before petitioning for divorce. So, my question is - could mediation alone ever work when dealing with this type of man, or is a solicitor still required? Also, is it likely that the process will be speedier if she moves out? (I am worried that he will drive her to another mental breakdown if she stays, but she prefers not to rent as a stop gap, unless things become totally unbearable.)
My friend has a few thousand, but is concerned about money as legal fees could swallow that up. She also believes that any savings she has could affect the settlement.
I'd be grateful for any pointers, so I can show this thread to my friend.
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Divorce/separation
Best friend trying to divorce abusive husband - Advice needed
14 replies
Defenbaker · 16/02/2019 19:03
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