Talk me through what happens when you decide to split

[TimeForTea72]

Hi,

I am very unhappy at home, with my husband, but stay because of our 2 children. He is a lovely man, don't get me wrong. He is a good dad too. However, he is 10 years older than me and, tbh, this has caused problems, especially for me. We are at completely different stages in life and want different things.

He has never been affectionate towards me (and I am quite an attractive woman for my age) and our sex life was rubbish, hence why it stopped. We haven't had sex in quite a few years and this is driving me crazy. Sadly, I am not sexually attracted to him. I see him as no more than a friend and father to our two children.

I have decided that I can't do anything this year as my eldest will sit his GCSE's in 2020 and my youngest sits SATs this year and will make the big move to secondary school in September so this is a big year for them. I really don't want to upset their lives. My parents divorced when I was 8 and I can still remember the day they told me I was leaving our family home to move somewhere else with my mum (I am now almost 47). Although my hubby is a lot closer to his kids than my dad was with me.

I have decided to spend the next year clearing the mortgage. At least, by next year, we will have no outstanding debts. £20K left on it but I can clear that in just over a year if I stick to my over payments.
I work full time in a profession I have been in since graduating (I earn more than him, but that isn't an issue). I am, however, looking for another job to cut out working nightshifts. I may have to move away to achieve this so I am not sure what will happpen!

But, what happens when you decide to go for a separation/divorce? I don't want half of everything he owns (pension etc) but would want half of the house. Although, I am considering renting for a while. I have no idea what to do or who to see but want to spend the next 12 months getting myself/finances in order ready for when/if I go through with it.
He knows I am not happy but he tends to bury his head in the sand. But, I can't carry on like this. I have no love in my life. I spend most of the time away from him tbh. I can't understand why he doesn't notice!

What do I do if I decide to go ahead?

[Itsnotme123]

The first 2 paragraphs were exactly me. But you have a career, and I don’t. My children are grown up.

I first of all went to CAB. Had a little discussion with a solicitor for a free half hour. A week later I enlisted her to start my divorce. One has to be the petitioner and the other the respondent. So it helps if you and dh can decide who is who.

In my case I just walked out of the house with a bagful. But I had somewhere to stay.

Each case is different, but seeing a solicitor at CAB is just the start.

[Itsnotme123]

You also need a reason to divorce. Just growing apart isn’t a good enough reason. But the solicitor will advise on that.

Before you make that appointment, try and talk to your dh to see if there’s a way forward with your relationship.

[Yellowshirt]

If you no that's it's over I would not wait the 12 months. I'm going through a divorce from my wife at the moment. We have a daughter in year 9. We should of split up in 2014 when I found out about her affair but being silly I stayed even though she refused to stop working with him in the same school. I regret wasting my life now and yes my daughter has been heavily affected and I rarely seen her now but divorce takes such a long time to finalise the sooner you start the better for everyone.
My other big regret has been moving into rented accommodation without my daughter and without access to anything from my home as my wife changed the locks

[MissedTheBoatAgain]

and without access to anything from my home as my wife changed the locks

Are you on the mortgage/rental agreement? If so maybe you can gain access? A quick call or even a free half hour with solicitor may help?

My ex changed locks without my consent, but as I was the only one named on the mortgage I had access rights.

[Yellowshirt]

Yep I'm on the mortgage and I spent £20000 on a deposit and refurb of the house 12 years a go none of which I'll ever see again.
Every time I've asked for things I've just had "sorry I don't have spares in the house " get yourself to the shops. So much for everything being 50/50!

[MissedTheBoatAgain]

So much for everything being 50/50

Assets accrued during the marriage will be considered jointly owned, but that does not oblige the courts to split 50:50. Many different factors will be taken into account.

Maybe you need to seek advice how to gain access and collect your personal belongings before they are all gone.