Splitting up! Opinions and Advice?

[BrewUp]

Hello Everyone,
I wanted to ask everyone for their advice, opinion, and stories of what happened to them.

Here's my story:

I'm a 35-year-old Dad of two amazing boys 3 and 6 years old. Until very recently I was in a loving relationship of 13 years with who I took to be my life partner. We were engaged to be married and I had been saving so we could marry in Mexico as she had always dreamed of. She had been doing the gym and jogging and had done amazingly at losing a stone in weight!

I have a very good Government Job and my now ex-partner worked as a part-time (3 days a week) HR Manager in a local firm.

On the 4th of January, I get told that we need to talk when I get home from work. When I walk in the door from work there is a rush to get the kids to bed and as soon as that is done we sit in the living room to talk. I receive the news that she "is not happy in the relationship and wants to end it" ... "I've seen a house I like its £700pm, I'll take the kids, I want £600pm Child Maintenance and half of the equity in the house - I think that should be about £40k".

I do what anyone would do and beg for a second chance, pleaded that the kids shouldn't grow up in a broken home and asked what I had done to arrive at a place like this. She just said she was really unhappy and wanted to leave. I asked that she takes time to think and that I would go to my sisters for a few nights to give her some space. I stayed at my sisters' over the weekend and then on the Tuesday night I came home from work and took her out for something to eat with a view to talking. We sat in pretty much cold silence for an hour, ate and went home. I got home to the spare bedroom being cleared out and all of her things having moved in there.

The following morning at work she sends me a link to another house she wants to move into - £700pm rent. I reply asking for non-essential communication to wait until I'm home from work. I don't need to be upset any more than I already was whilst I'm at work. I arrive home that night to another demand that I agree to £600pm child maintenance and her to have full custody. I agree to nothing.

Following day I chat to some family members and start to get my shit together. I do loads with the kids so I decide I want to go for 50% custody, I'll be staying in the same house when she leaves so the kids will still have their own rooms and everything they are familiar with. I also run the child maintenance calculator from gov.uk and see that I would have to pay £398.xx a month in maintenance.

I offer to pay the £398 maintenance and say that I want half of the custody of the kids. I'm told in more or less words involving some expletives that I am robbing the children of their future and that they should be "kept in the luxury that they are used to" and that "I can't afford a £700pm 3 bedroom house if you don't pay me the £600pm"

I explain that she is leaving me by her own choice and that I won't pay for her to be kept in luxury and that if the kids need anything that's expensive that I'll pay 50% towards things like School Trips and other expensive items.

Things then move on, "I want half of your pension in future, my Mam says that I'm entitled to it". Now, in reality, her pension is probably far superior to mine. But also we aren't married so I tell her to forget that as a venture. Following day I'm working at home and her parents turn up to lecture me on giving her everything she wants and asks for!

Things then move onto equity in the house. This is a pretty bitter pill for me. When we got our first house I had saved £10k towards the deposit and she had saved nothing as she was in bad debt. My father also loaned me £15k towards the deposit to help get us settled (this is done in writing). In the first house, she paid half of the mortgage payment which was about £250pm. We decided that we needed a bigger house and we sold our first house making a small loss on what we had paid for it. I had a much better job and could afford to do that. We bought a £300k 5 bedroom detached house near the border of Scotland. I sunk all of the equity from the first house into the purchase along with all of my savings of £9k. She put nothing in again. At the time of the purchase, she was on maternity leave from work and wasn't getting much in the way of income. But after she went back to work she paid nothing towards the mortgage and it has been this way for the past 6 years up and until now. The mortgage is in joint names 50:50 split.

Until the split, I was putting half of my wage into a joint account where all the bills were paid from (Mortgage, Utility, Insurance, Nursery, Food Shopping etc).

I also have two home improvement loans totaling £10000 that were used to repair the driveway and replace the front windows on the house (its windy on the borders, who knew!?). These loans are in my name.

Having checked with the lender who calculated we had £76k worth of equity in the house based on a recent insurance valuation. I made an offer of £25.5k to her on the following basis:

38000 -
5000 (Half of the Home Improvement Loans)
7500 (Half of the Money my Father loaned me)

I didn't think this was terribly unreasonable given that she hadn't made any payment towards the house or its upkeep for the past 6 years. Her monthly wage is about £1600 and was generally spent on internet shopping for clothes or nights out to Edinburgh with her friends. I just wanted us to be happy and didn't at the time see any problems in our relationship and as the major breadwinner thought I was doing the best for our family unit.

Again the offer of £25.5k was insulting to her, I was robbing her and she wanted the money straight away. "The debt was in my name and why should I accept any of it?". We are locked into a 5-year mortgage deal and to leave it will cost us a significant penalty (9% of the equity). She suggested I remortgage, give her her 38k and she'd go. I said if we remortgage and as she is leaving that she should pay the 9% penalty and any associated costs. I plan on staying in this house. I like the house and its my family home - even if she isn't planning on being part of that family unit. Why should I pay for something that I don't want to happen in the first place?

So nothing on equity has been agreed yet. She's paid for valuations on the house as I had "undervalued it deliberately". The insurance valuation was accurate to £1000 vs her estimates.

So things have rumbled on since this first week in January. Nothing around equity has been agreed yet. I've had some legal advice on it (which wasn't that comprehensive - I've another appointment with someone else next week).

Then this week a brand new washing machine and fridge freezer are delivered to the house (for her new place.. that she hasn't signed for or got the keys to yet). She asks me for the first child maintenance payment (she still is living in the house, rent and bills free and shopping for food out the joint account ... story about that to follow).

Then I check the joint account a few days before I pay in the usual payment to cover the Mortgage / Bills etc. The day prior she transferred £650 from the Joint Account into her own current account, this put the joint account £500 overdrawn. When I challenged her on this she said she needed the money to move and that as I was the only one paying into the account that it was custom and practice that I cover the overdraft. That night I had her sign the form to get her name off the account, I had the bank cancel her joint account cards and we had a big argument about why that was not acceptable.

The current state of this is she has waited a week for keys to a house she is moving into, which today has been extended by a further few weeks due to the property needing a gas check and some kind of Home Survey? Should I be charging rent? Should I be expecting a contribution to the running of the house?

I really don't know where I am or what to do with this. It feels all very one-sided and unfair.

[Andyjakeydan]

I think you need to see a solicitor asap....she sounds like a right charmer

[JazzyBBG]

She sounds like a nightmare. On the plus side at least you didn't marry her she has far less rights.

[jess24x8]

She seems like w nightmare to deal with. Make sure you put your foot down especially with the custody as you have the same rights. I would definitely get all the legal advice I can before making any decisions. It seems like she is expecting to keep the life of being provided for by you even when you're no longer her partner.

[MissedTheBoatAgain]

To OP

Child Maintenance is based solely on your earnings. It has nothing whatsoever to do with what Mothers want. There is an online calculator on:

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

Divide your annual earnings by 365 and then multiply by 7. This gives the weekly earnings. Enter that in the calculator and then add the 2 children. Also enter the number of nights children will be with you. As a worst case scenario enter zero nights. This will produce the maximum you would pay in the event that children's mother got full custody.

If shared care is exactly 50:50 then you will not have to pay any Child Maintenance at all.

As for the property you need Legal advice as you were never married and that I guess will move the goalposts a lot.

Meanwhile don't pay her anything. That she emptied the Joint Account says a lot.

Good luck.