Hello, I am a regular here but changed my username to post about this. I come originally from an EU member state and have been living in the UK for more than 13 years. I came here originally to study, then happened to meet my British husband, found a job and started a family, our son is now in primary school. I do not have UK citizenship.
Unfortunately, things have been going really bad in the relationship with my husband for around 5 years, we don't do anything together anymore unless it involves our son, there is no communication at all etc. Since Brexit, things have worsened more generally: apart from the casual abuse on the street sometimes in front of my son, a lot of friends and close relatives that happened to live here close by have left the UK and the sector where I work in is heading for some serious problems.
Given all these, I am considering leaving the UK, it is very likely that I will be able to get a job elsewhere in Europe (I already had job offers, not in the country of my origin though). I discussed with my husband moving together elsewhere but he dismissed it immediately. I feel I no longer have a reason to live like this anymore, I have become depressed and am now seriously thinking of leaving on my own and trying to take my son with me. I am hoping to get a professional job in a country where quality of life is considered very good, schools have good reputation, there is low risk of violence etc. The type of jobs I am targeting offer a range of fringe benefits as well, including paying for the kids' education, etc.
Can someone please advise whether I would be legally able to do this? I assume that my husband would contest this but I feel I have no other option given the way things have been going.
I am very sorry for the long post, any advice you have would be really extremely helpful.
Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.
Divorce/separation
Divorcing and moving abroad with DS?
PinkApple2019 · 11/02/2019 10:29
That's so difficult Mumsnevergiveup 
. He sounds extremely controlling. He still gains enjoyment from control over you. The only way is to parallel parent or eventually get back to your home and your family. The children will miss him but he will always try to change their opinion on you as he seeks that total control. If you did go, you could never come back because of the court order but would he challenge you in the courts there? Would he even be able to?
He sounds like he has lots of resources but for many men because it is about control, once he feels he has truly lost, ie you have moved away and the courts in your country are not on his side, he may well give up.
It's hard that you never said anything but to be honest as he had more money, the outcome would probably have been the same even if you had said something as it is so difficult to prove. It also takes a lot of time and money.
Start to be honest with your kids and show them the realities, not bad mouthing him but you don't need to protect him. They should not grow up knowing only his side and narrative on the situation and a few women have written on here how the father won their children over and in young adulthood, they turned their backs mostly on their mother. They listened to only one side only for years and their mothers trying to rise above it, did not respond to counter their exes word and viewpoint. Which ultimately was not good.
I'm in the same situation in having not got police etc involved or disclosed abuse in the divorce. So as I never said anything, it's very hard to enforce anything or get help. I did have womans aid help but nothing from police or courts. But I make sure my kids know the realities, first in a very gentle age appropriate way and as they get older, I will honestly answer all questions. My daughter aged 10 did ask some frank questions so I answered her honestly.
I also said to go for a holiday and not come back as 10 years ago I moved to my husbands country in North Africa. He then was changing and he was violent. I talked him into coming back to UK for a holiday and we stayed here as I refused to go back. It was the only way to leave his country as there at the airport, I needed written permission from my husband or his father to be able to go through security to board the plane. Marriage continued for another 7 years until divorce.
It was the only way to get my kids back to what I knew, my family and home town and relative safety in the UK. I then gave him years to change and tried to do what was right for the marriage but it all got worse.
Now I'm on the other side where he could do the same to me and take my daughter for a holiday to his family and never bring her back. And because I never mentioned to authorities, getting a court order is nigh on impossible.
Mumsnevergiveup write up all the instances over the years, as many as you can remember and date. Then start to keep a record going forward. Communicate in writing with him only and only regarding the children. Read up about going no contact when you share children and parallel parenting.
A pattern of behaviour will start to emerge even on email. This can be a help for you if things get so bad and you go back to court. He may well drag you to court anyway as it's a well known tactic by abusive men to control and cause stress to their ex with the court system. Having it written up ready to use, documented and recorded may help you. If he threatens you in person, record him on your phone if able. Ring the police and have them record it with a crime no. It all builds up a record.
I have started to do this so if I go to court, I at least have something to back me up.
Good luck.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.