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Can we recover from here ?

(6 Posts)
Scaryprospects Sun 10-Feb-19 20:27:29

This post is probably going to become quite outing but it will be hard without the facts.

DH and I have been together circa. 15 years since we were teenagers. He has never been one for deep conversations, emotions or feelings but we did love each other at some point.

We have one DS who we both adore and are good parents to. My job is very demanding however pays the bills and more.

DH has treated me terribly over the past few years. I have tried my best to mend things but he has constantly thrown it back in my face. He has been very detached from our relationship giving some examples with what I’ve had to put up with :
- when we first had sex after having DS, he didn’t kiss me but when touched my breasts he said DS had ruined them.
- I had quite a bad accident a few years ago ended up in A&E and I was in A LOT of pain. He didn’t ask if I was ok, instead he started an argument and told me with a 6 month old baby that he didn’t know whether he wanted to be with me anymore.
- my DS has a few issues which we have to have specialist care for. He has blamed me for working too much and going back to work too early as to why he has these difficulties.
- whenever I suggested splitting he would say that I would never leave him because it would mean him having to take our daughter to his racist, awful mothers house
- he will never give me a compliment, always put me down and generally spend 99% of his waking hours miserable and biting my head off

All whilst working 60 hour weeks, cooking, cleaning and generally doing the traditional ‘wife’ role as well as being the provider. I am exhausted. Physically and emotionally.

I was ready to leave, I had grieved the relationship, I’ve made myself self sufficient. And then the curve ball came.

He realised the error of his ways and has shown so much remorse, wants more kids, understands my job, is being the perfect husband. Telling anyone who will listen what an arse he has been but he is fighting for us.

I can see the man I used to love again but I feel terrified on how we move this forward. I was going to leave because I deserved more respect and my DS needs to see what it is to treat a woman in the right way rather than the wrong way. My confidence has taken such a battering, I’m making mistakes at work, skipping meals, feel constantly sick, irritable, my mind is constantly swimming.

I really don’t know what to do. My DS deserves a happy mum and dad and I really do not want to be the one to be that splits up a family for his sake. But I don’t know if I’ve got it in me to keep going.

We’ve got some counselling coming up which I’m hoping will give me some more clarity. But if anyone has any advice in the meantime I will be so pleased to listen.

OP’s posts: |
apparentlyso Sun 10-Feb-19 21:27:41

Sounds like your relationship was more bad than good?
And only now you're decided to end it your husband is stepping up?
What do you think will happen when he realising you are going to stay for good?
Which dh is he going to be?

Itsnotme123 Sun 10-Feb-19 22:36:32

He sounds like Jekel and Hyde. I think the counselling would help. I would want to know why he has suddenly had a change of mind. Have you asked him ?

Itsnotme123 Sun 10-Feb-19 22:38:09

Is it because he’s frightened that you will leave ?

zsazsajuju Sun 10-Feb-19 22:40:05

Can he really change for good? Only you know but I would be wary that him simply being scared of you leaving but going back to his old ways once he gets comfortable again. Your relationship sounds abusive tbh.

Madickenxx Tue 12-Feb-19 22:02:38

I'm so sorry that you're going through this - it sounds all too familiar unfortunately. I had 23 years of this. Verbal, emotional and financial abuse interspersed with good periods after I threatened to leave and he suddenly saw the errors of his ways, begged for another chance (occasionally threatened suicide etc) only for me to believe that THIS time he'd changed. It doesn't last... sometimes the good periods would last weeks, at other times a couple of months but he would always return to the moody, temperamental, nasty person he is. He can be lovely and people on the outside think he is great (apart from a few who see through him) and the DCs and I walked on eggshells around him in order to try and keep him happy. It's exhausting. From what you have described, he doesn't sound like a decent man who's just having a bad day. He sounds abusive and my advice would be to leave now and not waste more of your life on a person like that. It's not just time you're wasting, it's your confidence, your happiness and your sparkle. I'm a shell of who I was 23 years ago and don't know how I'm going to find myself again. I'm moving out in 4 weeks' time. Good luck with whatever you choose to do! Xxx

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