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😔 my Husband addicted to alcohol and drugs, volatile has left... 4 young children HELP

(6 Posts)
BettyCrocker007 Sat 09-Feb-19 19:58:41

Hello, not sure where to start.... but hubby left Monday. I feel numb. I have 4 young children and just meeting their needs seems epic right now. So over the last 4-5 years my hubby has smoked week in the garage, every. Damn. night (not ok by me). Drinking has escalated from being more dependant to before Christmas he told me he was having 75lc vodka just before he arrived home. He has spent every night for at least 4 years stoned from 7 pm onwards (fortunately the kids are asleep by then), but ta the weekends he is wanting drink or weed by 2/3 pm and is angry and agitated. He’s toxic really. My oldest is 7 and I’m fearful that he will start to understand the weird smell at night (I’m so ashamed by husband does this and that I haven’t kicked him out sooner). My dad passed away, he was stoned more and didn’t help a bit, he doesn’t support my self employment (for me to be sahm), always criticising, can’t cook, everyone thinks I’m awful apparently. There have been a few violent incidents lately and all along really.....but what kills me and scares me for the sake of our sweet children it’s the mostly verbal barrages..... but I cannot live like this. So since my 18 mo old was born (he barely helps with the kids, probably done 5-10 nappies in each child’s life, I’ve breastded each for 18 months so of course I get the blame for him not helping) So I’ve been asking him over 18 months to stop or leave..... to the point that he’s ruined every holiday by shouting by day and then being stoned every evening....by Christmas I found diazepam (not prescribed), Cocaine (!!!!!!) and that he’d gambled a few grand (were hand to mouth so this is a big deal plus the mental health and the £50-100 he’s spending on weed every month!!!). I called the nspcc and refuge as he went for my oldest when he was having tantantrun and smashed our external back door on Christmas Eve......they all agreed he’s given me enough to run with.....which gave me confidence of ofllow through with me setting boundaries for his unacceptable behaviour.

So he has an air b n b and is still going to work (has a good job- no one knows about his addictions, he’d lose his job if they did) for 2/3 weeks......

The thing is ..... I’m slightly numb and scared, but mostly I’m ok......I’ve not told any friends as I kind of have shut myself away, got my head down with raising kids and keeping these big fat secrets (above)......so although I don’t think people would be surprised.....they actually don’t know.

What are my rights? What should I do, who to speak to?? Should I apply for universal credit?? I feel I don’t want him back unless he’s totally clean and dry......to be honest I don’t think he can without professional help. So I feel I can uphold my moral view on not having him back on those grounds......but I don’t trust hims with our children.

So does a drug addict get custody? How does that work? I want him to be a great dad but until he’s dry and sober I don’t want him having any kind of unsupervised access.....am I allowed to say that?? I’ve no idea but to me it would seem common sense.....Are children only safe once something bad happens to breach safeguarding???? Surely not?? But I’ve no idea who to ask and I live in such a small close knit community everyone knows everyone........ and also I’m not telling my friends (getting support) because I’m too scared of hiw the stigma of having a drug addict, alcoholic as a dad will impact my 4 young kids. So so scared......can anyone help me get some clarity here?? Many thanks.. xx

OP’s posts: |
Ethel80 Sat 09-Feb-19 20:09:18

Hi @BettyCrocker007 I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds dreadful and it's really good that he's out of the house.

First thing I'd say is you need to tell someone in your life what you're going through. You need practical and emotional support. You don't need to tell everyone if you don't want to but most friends/family would want to help and I'd hope won't judge you for what's happened. None of this is your fault.

I'd see a solicitor ASAP to discuss what will happen with the children and finances.

I'd imagine that you'd be able to apply for some benefits as you're on your own with 4 kids.

In terms of contact with dad, it's likely he would get contact but you can ask that it's supervised. I really can't say if it would be granted though.

Stay strong and don't let him bully or guilt you into taking him back. If you want him clean and sober before he comes back tell him that but he has to do it for him and it has to be a long term change. In your situation I'd want him out of the home and getting help for at least a year as recovery is hard and takes a lot of work.

Other people with more expertise about money and benefits will be along shortly I'm sure. In the meantime, call someone and ask to meet for coffee or see if they want to come round. Tell them what's going on, don't struggle alone.

BettyCrocker007 Sat 09-Feb-19 20:25:23

Thank you for taking the time to reply Ethel. I’m literally on a shoe string, hand to mouth. I’m not sure I could even afford to pay to talk to a solicitor. Because he’s paid 35k a year, we own our home (mortgaged), and I work from home to earn around 3k (pocket money) I’m not sure if I would get legal aid. Should prob call them Monday actually. Need to get out of this denial.

I’m so scared if I told a few, word would get out.....kids school, friends, his work...he might lose his job....he’s told me then I’d lose everything too. Over the last few years he’s conditioned me to think I can’t speak as I’d lose everything too. He’s made me believe I’ll always be alone as no one will ever love me with 4 children. (Which is silly as I’m not even on that page, but it makes me scared as I would hate to think I’d be alone for ever). Being with the kids this week and being their everything has been wonderful, but totally exhausting. I don’t know if I can do it as well as a single parent. sad

OP’s posts: |
jellymaker Sat 09-Feb-19 20:36:46

I think you are underestimating yourself and the people around you. People closest to you will know. They will care and they will have been waiting for you to reach out. Speak to the person you trust the most.

MrsBertBibby Sat 09-Feb-19 21:55:49

You need to sort out

1. Benefits. I assume you get child benefit already? Contact DWP to apply for universal credit /income support.
2. Child support. Contact CMS. Say a family based arrangement is no good. You need a proper assessment.
3. Try to see a solicitor. CAB can often get you a free advice session if you can't afford it.

Dragongirl10 Sat 09-Feb-19 22:28:02

I second all the good advice from MRSBERTBIBBY op

Also emotion aside for now

1) you will be more than fine looking after the Dcs, you always have done this..... with the additional burden of a violent, abusive stoned, drunk partner, just think how much calmer and happier your house will be without him in it. and how much safer your Dcs will feel, that alone is HUGE.

2) Make a big effort to forget all the rubbish he has told you about not being loved in the future/losing everything it is frankly bullshit to keep you in line.

3) Start telling a couple of friends, then your family, this is HIS ugly secret not yours, please really accept that. YOU have done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. Tell the school, what if he turned up stoned and tried to collect dcs? this is very possible and has to be addressed. Tell school not to release Dcs to him without your say so.

4) Ask mortgage company for a payment holiday to reduce your immediate outgoings, work out a budget, apply for cms, and all benefits. Please don't bury your head, make a list and plod through it .

5) Not sure about the custody issue but there is clearly a sefeguarding issue, maybe talk to Womans aid for advice.

Please believe you can do this, you can seperate from him and be fine even though it sounds overwhelming.

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