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No 'win' situation

(6 Posts)
mug2018 Tue 05-Feb-19 22:20:01

Long story short - divorcing stbxh - he refuses to leave marital home (he has run up debts & cant afford anywhere to live until I buy him out of our home : his parents won't have him either)
We have had separate rooms for years but persevered with relationship for sake of our 11yr old daughter.. but I've had enough if his financial & emotional abuse & impact his behaviour has on our daughter ( he has no moral compass)
.... my issue is that he uses our daughter to score favour with her. On a daily basis he is telling lies to our daughter about me & I bite my tongue not to counter argue as it just tears her between us & I refuse to lower myself to his nasty level but am stressing that she'll side with him as I'm not defending myself
If I refuse her something, he gives it to her. I try & get her into bed at a reasonable hour on a school night - he lets her stay up until, some nights, midnight. But worst of all for me, he then has her sleeping in his bed with him.
If I challenge him it blows into a massive row & then I worry what is the best of a bed situation for our daughter 🤷‍♀️

It could be weeks before I get him out (our mediation booked for end Feb .. it'll all go off then as there is no way I'm allowing him resident parent 'status' which he thinks he's going to get)

Any advice/ perspective greatly received confused

OP’s posts: |
Palaver1 Wed 06-Feb-19 06:39:35

You know what’s his doing to get to you wind you up piss you off.
It’s the same thing that I’m going through but this ones doing it in another way .
I’m learning to ignore and ignore and ignore
And I feel powerful and more in control
I refuse to come out of this ill .
Please try self control in this area it will see you through .

AJPTaylor Wed 06-Feb-19 06:50:54

How mature is she? I assume she knows you are splitting?

mug2018 Wed 06-Feb-19 07:45:15

AJPTaylor ... she is 11 & yes she knows we are splitting. She is not playing us off but he seeks opportunity.
DD is frightened of her dad - not physically but emotionally: if he doesn't get his way, he goes nuts so it's easier for her to placate him ..... it's heartbreaking

OP’s posts: |
Madicken74 Wed 06-Feb-19 09:51:03

I'm not sure I can give you much advice but your situation sounds very familiar. As my stbx won't leave our home, I've taken the decision to move out with my daughter (we also have an adult DS). I will struggle to manage financially but I'll figure it out somehow. Stbx has lots of debt and poor credit rating due to poor financial management (he earns double what I earn) so he wouldn't be able to rent anywhere even if he wanted to. I stayed with him for 23 years despite the abuse and his treatment of our children (particularly our daughter). I tried to leave pretty much every year but just didn't have the strength. This time I do. I have secured a nice rental and am moving in a couple of weeks' time. I hope your situation gets resolved asap - it's all so stressful! Big hugs! Xxx

mug2018 Wed 06-Feb-19 13:59:05

Madicken74 - I wish you luck (not that you'll need it) but more importantly, happiness thanks

OP’s posts: |

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