Kids going to meet the new gf

[Tamsyn143]

Long story short, I feel weird and totally freaked out that my three kids are off to meet their dads new girlfriend. I don't know how to cope. Will she try and replace me or win the favour of my kids? Will she try and spoil them? What are your experiences?

[DirtyCurtains1]

Hi OP. Step mum to 2 girls and mum to 1 girl here. If she is anything like me, all she will want is a good relationship with you and your DC. I wasn't in the slightest bit interested in taking over as mummy or winning any favour, all I wanted was for them to like me a little bit!

It was extremely difficult for their mum to accept me and to be honest I'm not surprised! If anything ever happened with me and DH I don't think I'd ever be ok with my daughter meeting a new girlfriend!!

So as a step mum, I hope I have helped with dulling some of your fears.
But as a mum, I'm totally with you and would also be worried (although try your best not to be)

Good luck and I hope all goes ok

[DirtyCurtains1]

Sorry, 'worried' was probably the wrong word for me to use there. I think I meant I'd have the same kind of anxieties as you have described

[Stilllearning01]

Have you met her yourself? that may help with reducing your fears a little?

In the end you would want her to like your kids and vice versa (i.e. you don't want her to hate them , bully them, make them miserable or your kids to be nasty little monsters to her) you want her to look after them when she's with them and make sure they're safe.

But you don't want her to say bad things about you or drive a wedge between you and them (that's classed as making the kids miserable imo) and you can make that clear to dad.

I believe it's impossible for kids to ever forget who their mum is, but that doesn't mean they can't like other women (like teachers, babysitters, aunties...)

hope it all goes well!

[heidiwine]

Who knows what she’ll do you can only control what you do. I think the best thing for your kids is to see their mum being non plussedband relatively welcoming of this change (that they didn’t choose and would probably prefer to be without).

I’m a step mum (of at least 10 years) and it’s a really difficult role to play.
I know that I did things wrong at the start but my heart was in the right place - for example I helped the children make Mother’s Day cards/gifts for their mum with no thought as to how she might feel about that. I was more involved than I should have been with communication between my partner and his ex (although I’m not sure she was aware of it) but in my defence I was trying to support him (they have quite an acrimonious relationship). Now I have a ‘not my circus not my monkeys’ attitude which isn’t perfect either.

My advice for you is to try to accept this other woman in your children’s lives. She could be a really good thing for them. If you can, then get to know her a bit and when she pisses you off step back for a minute and assume her intentions are good (until it’s clear they aren’t). Please please don’t let on to your children how you feel - when they are young they will repeat it (in your exact words).
I think it takes a village to raise a child and that it’s healthy for children to be loved in lots of different ways by lots of different people. So if she’s doing something you don’t like ask yourself if it’s wrong or different.
Good luck.

[eve34]

It sucks to feel replaced. Both my parents remarried. And although both good people they are my mums husband/my dads wife. Not my step parents. I have a mum and dad thanks.

My ex introduced the children to ow from day one. I'm grateful all the hurt was done at the start. I have always been polite about her and say it is lovely the children have so many grown up that care about them. I think she is more threatened by me than I am her. The children will see her like an aunt. You only have one mum.

[lickencivers]

As a mum, and a step mum I can see how you feel, however....

My own children have a good relationship with their dad and even though I dislike him intently, he's their dad and he has every right to parent them how he sees when they are with him (as long as they're safe etc) so firstly it really isn't any of my business who he introduced them to...

Also, DPs children - I'm very very fond of them and will be the mum to their sibling soon, they have a lovely mum and I'm not interested in them being my children too. I will always be kind to them and treat them fairly but they aren't my children.

[Tamsyn143]

Thank you everyone for your amazing and reassuring insight. I've re-read each post a number of times and I've found the advice so helpful. Genuinely, what a brilliant resource this is. I can't thank you all enough x

[Screamqueenz]

Glad you've found comfort, and just to reiterate, I'm a step mum of 11 years, I have a good relationship with my now adult stepchildren, but I am not their mum, and have never tried to be.

When it works well your kids have another adult who cares about them, that's got to be a good thing. But honestly, a mother can never be replaced.

[lickencivers]

@Tamsyn143 it may help things long run. DP often sends me his communication for his ex before he sends it to her, and when he's being a dick and being unreasonable i tell him so. It's easy for me to see it from her POV and so can explain it or try too

At the end of the day we are all struggling on and none of us have done this before. The children deserve us to be the best adults we can be.

I was sad when my ex met his first girl friend after me, but not becayse I wanted him. He was meant to be my husband and want to do all those nice things with me, but leopards and spots and all that. He's still a selfish sulky tight bastard, doesn't matter who's vagina he's putting his dick in. His personality won't change.

I hate that DPs ex hates me. I would love to reach out to her. I'd love to tell her the nice things her kids tell me, and how when we draw pictures, their mummy is always a queen with a crown but she tells me to go fuck myself so I don't bother any more.

Try to keep your shit together. It's a bigger problem in your head than in reality.

Ps, also glad my ex now has a woman around more as my kids get fed some thing other than chicken Kievs and he now takes them out at weekends etc plus he's a less miserable drip win win

[Tamsyn143]

Thank-you. I am trying and a few of the comments folk have posted have stayed with me - thanks everyone xx By way of an update, it wasn't too bad. The kids came back buzzing and seem to really like her, and despite cuing in the bath for an hour I'm actually ok. I've just got to get used to the new normal I guess x