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Do I still need to pay half the mortgage?(17 Posts)
Hi, first time posting but have lurked on and off for a few years. I am married to a man with many narcissistic tendencies. He loves status over everything else and have over the years run up massive amount of debt in order to fund his (just his, not the family's) lifestyle. He also doesn't seem to think that he has to follow HMRC rules and owe them thousands. I've taken out loans and credit cards to bail him out so also have debt but have worked hard to reduce it (he hasn't even though he earns a good wage). We've been together for 20 years and it's not been all bad although I suspect my good times are simply good because they are better than the dark times. We have 2 teenage children and his relationship with them has not been great although he now gets on OK with DS as he's 16 and less of an inconvenience. DD is a typical teenage girl and she won't back down in an argument and they butt heads on a regular basis. He treats her as dirt a lot of the time even though she is a good girl compared to many. For the past 6 months he's barely acknowledged her existence and it's heart breaking. Anyway, I am planning on moving DD and myself out into a rented accommodation. DH will never move out. He has marine tanks which are built-in and his pride and joy. I've asked him to move before and he has refused. DS wants to stay where he is but doesn't want me to go far so I'm looking locally. Finally I'm getting to my question lol. If I move out, do I still need to contribute to half the mortgage in order to be confident of a 50/50 split? Our divorce, when it happens, will be an acrimonious one, so I don't want to give him any ammunition that he can use to get a greater share of the house. I'm phoning a solicitor tomorrow to book an appointment but probably won't be able to make one for at least a week so any advice would be great!
In short, yes. It’s a debt in both your names and your both responsible for it. Would/could he even pay it alone?
Yes, absolutely he could. Our mortgage is half the cost of the rent I'm likely to pay for a small 2 bed flat/house. He earns more than twice what I earn and have had 2 holidays in the last 6 months (without his family). I'm happy to pay my half - it's worth it to get out of this situation. It will be tight though but I'll manage. Thanks for the response. I've been wanting to leave for 10 years + but he's always managed to convince me to stay with promises / suicide threats just for him to go back to his abusive self within weeks/months. This time I'm determined to leave but need to make sure I do everything right as he will do all he can to screw me over (he's made that clear). Thanks again x
Your necessary costs and commitments need to be covered until your financial arrangements are concluded. Costs to maintain the status quo (i.e. Non essentials) are a bit more of a negotiation and can get a bit shitty.
If you've got money left after your necessary costs, then you should contribute to commitments like the mortgage, up to what you can afford.
Is there a chance you may also have to pay maintenance for your ds?
I'm not sure if your dd is older? Because possibly if she's 18yo he wouldn't have to pay mainetence for her but might have to if she's younger but I'm not sure how it works if you have one child each....but worth finding out if money might be tight.
Well, you and DH are both responsible for payment of the mortgage, but if you continue paying you might not be able to afford your rent. If you stop, you won't lose your 50%, but in any discussion of the financial arrangements, he could argue that he should be credited for paying the full amount. (But you might be awarded more than 50% anyway!)
Can you draw up a separation agreement - that way you can be clear what the arrangements are. Does he agree the marriage has broken down? Any sol will advise you not to leave the house, that is standard position. I would be arguing that I wont be paying the mortgage as the cost of renting is more expensive and take the risk of any argument for missed payments from the pot. It sounds like you have already made arrangements to move out if you are seeking advice here prior to seeing a proper legal professional.
Hi iv came across your post..i was in the same boat..first me ex left our home and stopped paying all his share of morgage and bills, then he decided to move back in as he says he has every right to be there, i moved out to my parents as i was frightened to live with him, i stopped paying for everything only because he done the same to me! My solicitor advised me to do that also, she says i can still get my share of the house as my name is on morgage. I feel like im living in a nightmare with my ex, it makes me feel so down knowing i have him in my life as we have a child together. Im blessed i have such good parents i can turn to as some poor mothers dont,and have to stay with these men. He makes my life so difficult. Hope you get sorted. Xx
Oh Nad01 your situation sounds similar to mine. I know H won't move out - he's just playing games with me. I've spent today restructuring my debt (debt I took out to help him when he was in trouble with HMRC - he thinks he's above the law) so that I can afford to rent regardless of whether I need to contribute to our mortgage / joint bills etc. I don't have any family in this country but I do have a couple of good friends and a good job so I know I'll be fine. I viewed a house a couple of days ago and it was lovely. I don't want to commit to it yet though as I haven't seen a solicitor yet. My appointment is next week at which point the house will have been snapped up by someone else.
I'm trying to tell myself to not rush it but I just want out now....
All - thanks for your responses. I'm all over the place at the moment. DD is younger at 13 so will come with me. DS might come with me or might stay...depends on how he feels about it. They both think I'm doing the right thing.
I know i am entitled to my share of the house but i know he will make things very difficult for me so im thinking of just handing the house over to him..just to have 1 less tie with him. I googled today what is a narcissist and i couldnt believe what was coming up..it was everything my ex is! He is also being very akward with the divorce. I have put my name on the council list hoping a nice little house will come up, but with living with parents im not main priority...i could easily private rent but feel it is dead money. I hope you get answers from your solicitor. Get a good one also. X
I hope my solicitor is great - I've been asking around and she comes highly recommended. If you haven't already, read Should i stay or should i go by Ramani Durvasula. It helped me made my mind up. Every example and description of narcissistic men sounded just like my H. It was scary and eye opening! We can do it! Xxx
If you still pay the mortgage, you can still access the house and could drive him nuts by coming/going and using stuff .... If you leave him in the house alone, he is occupying your half of the property and thereby denying you that half.
Try the argument of if you pay half of the mortgage, he has to pay rent for your half of the house (because he is occupying it and not you). You may find he's happy to offset the mortgage payment against occupation rent. Worth a try anyway!
When you're married all debts are common debts. One of the many reasons I will not get married again. Financial irresponsibility is a sign of bad character and to be avoided at all costs.
So we have had THE conversation and are now separated. He was pretty calm about it and didn't kick off as I expected. He says he wants it to be amicable but I've been here before and know how quickly he can switch. One of his first questions after the initial discussion was "does that mean I can date other women from now" 🙄. I've just rung about a house I viewed earlier this week so fingers crossed I'll get it and can move in at the beginning of March. Solicitors appt on Monday. I feel like I'm free falling at the moment and can't focus on work. It's so scary but for the first time in 20 years I feel like I can do it.
I hope you get your house..and good luck for monday, i will be thinking of you. Pleased your ex took it ok..and as for him wanting to see other people, good luck to the next poor woman haha xx
Hi..just a quick message to see how you went with your solicitor? Did you get good answers? Xx
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