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Please tell me the pain gets easier- dh left

(57 Posts)
LuckyAugust Tue 15-Jan-19 19:32:31

Dh left 3 days ago. I'm heartbroken. Other than one lovely friend who I talked to today no one else knows and trying to put a 'face' on to 3dc, at work and to my family. Inside though I feel lost and alone and when I am on my own I just cry. DH has mental health issues which he refuses to deal with but the reason for him leaving is because he wants a 'life'. He is an alcoholic and has (or had) been sober for 8 years. Due to mental health issues he is hugely insecure and until recently didn't have any friends. Now he's got this new bunch of work mates who are all younger than him and loud and single and he's decided he wants to start drinking again and have a new life. His new life doesn't include me though unless I'm prepared to be the little wife who does his washing, cooking, look after his children and accept that he's gonna start drinking again and do what he wants. I can't do this. He needs advice from a GP or counsellor but he won't do it and said he's gonna do it anyway so what they say is irrelevant. He told me he's only stayed with me so long because of our kids (we've been together 12 years). He thinks his 'new life' will sort him out! I feel like everything I believed has been a lie because despite the awful stuff he's done over the years (which I should have realised were signs he wasn't in love with me anymore) I still love him. I'm heartbroken and just want this to go away

OP’s posts: |
Changeisahead Tue 15-Jan-19 21:09:50

Lucky August I am sorry to hear of your trouble, and I am sorry no one replied before now, Im here is you want to chat/

You have so much going on, please take a step back reflect, assess and do nothing for at least 24 hours more have hot bath, light a candle and know this is not going to bring him back or help in the long run but what it will do is perhaps pause your situation/. So you can gain some strength, you have to think what is best for you and your kids, it seems right now that might be being safe and away from the toxic situation I understand you love your husband and that's why you have high emotions running, I think unless he helps himself you cannot be responsible for his actions, we all have to take responsibility for what we do an how we behave, I am sorry I cant be of more help right now its all still very raw and for sure you are in shock. Treat this like any other shock and trauma give yourself love and kindness Good luck for the next couple of days xx

LuckyAugust Wed 16-Jan-19 07:18:15

Thanks so much for responding changeisahead x

OP’s posts: |
Ang1979 Mon 21-Jan-19 13:47:11

My husband left me and the 2 kids on Thurs evening. Said out the blue he doesn't love me anymore..not sure if he's with anyone else . I'm devastated and new to mumsnet so not really sure what I'm doing. I don't know what to do. Saw gp today for medical side but I'm here packing his stuff ready for him to collect and I'm a mess. Please anyone that's there and been through this tell me the pain goes away one day as I'm not sure I can do this if it doesn't.

Jen1519 Mon 21-Jan-19 14:13:22

I’m nearly 6 months down the track and still finding it all so difficult
I’m trying to find the courage to put the house on the market - not looking forward to packing up 26 years of memories
I remember the first week it happened- I was a mess, couldn’t go to work and only held it together for the sake of the kids
Make sure you have people you can talk to - they can’t help if they don’t know
I never thought I’d be talking about this - this happened to others - not me
We’ll all get through it as we have no other choice
Take care - I said it’s still difficult but not as bad as that first few days.

Ang1979 Mon 21-Jan-19 17:12:50

Thank you . I'm in shock the doc says. I am just trying to function that is all. I can't work or talk to people though .. only 1 friend

Ang1979 Tue 22-Jan-19 09:53:19

How are u feeling today luckyaugust ? I've not slept or ate so pretty shit today . Wish I hated him so much but I don't.

Forthrloveofmykids Tue 22-Jan-19 20:13:14

I’m glad I found this post. I’m in exactly the same boat. My OH left yesterday, it’d been a long time coming though, but the emotional stress is terrible. Things had been bad and getting worse for a while. I believe he’s bipolar, he would never admit he had any problems or issues, but his behaviour said otherwise. He actually left on Saturday after I called the police during an argument he never came back, and called me yesterday to say he would not come back to a woman who would call the police on him (of course he wouldn’t accept the fact that it was his behaviour that led me to call the police).. anyway I feel free, like a huge weight has been lifted, but in the same breath I have cried constantly. I’ve cried for the pain my kids are going through (2,6 & 8). I’ve cried because I feel like a failure, I’ve cried because I feel like our 10 years of marriage was a waste of time, I cry for the financial burden I’ll now have to bear, I cry because he took the car, along with the pushchair in the boot & all 3 car/booster seats.

Ang1979 Wed 23-Jan-19 05:38:09

Sounds like quite an ordeal you've gone through. I'm on day 6 now and feel like my world has fell apart. However medication from my gp short term has allowed me to stay calm enough to make decisions and to keep functioning for my kids sakes .. they are devastated as I'm sure yours are too. Everyone keeps saying I have to be strong for the kids but where do I get that strength from ? I'm sure you'll agree that sometimes you just want to give up on life completely

Sunshineandflipflops Wed 23-Jan-19 08:57:00

Hi everyone.
I am a year down the line and my story is similar to yours op. My husband of 13 years decided his life, the life he chose to make with me and his kids was not satisfying him anymore and he started going out more/hanging around more with younger people at work and then I found out he was having an affair with someone 13 years younger then him, which is when I made him leave.
I won't lie and say I'm fine now because emotions can still hit me like a tonne of bricks out of the blue when I think I'm doing ok but I can say I have come a long way in the last year.
I was also in shock for the fist few weeks and just went into autopilot for the sake of our children. I got up, showed up and went through the motions. It was a few weeks later that i faced things head on and referred myself for counselling, which helped.
One thing I did do straight away though was tell my mum and my closest friends and I think they pretty much saved me in those early weeks. You need to talk to someone because what you are going through is too much to bear on your own.
I think these men will realise what they lost, once the novelty of a new, exciting life wears off and they realise they are not in their 20's anymore and actually just look very pathetic pretending they are. By this time we will have moved on (whether that's finding peace on our own or with someone who deserves us) x

eve34 Wed 23-Jan-19 18:26:04

So sorry to hear you ladies are in this situation. You have had a shock and that takes time.

I'm a year down the line and I feel I am now turning a corner.

Tell people. They will want to help. And talk to friends. It makes no Sense in your head so it is going to take a lot of talking for your brain to figure it out. Seek counselling if you think it might help. Go to your gp for support.

Practical things put in a claim for benefits. Work out cms. And get maintenance sorted. Stop paying anything that is His. Phone bills car insurance etc. Council tax will give you a discount for being the only adult in the house.

Start packing up his stuff. If you have spare room/ cupboard start moving his stuff to one place. It can be therapeutic. Buy yourself new bedding move some furniture around. And just make few changes around you.

I know how very hard it is. We have had a very difficult year. Ex has behaved very badly. Stopped paying support and cancelled contact. As much as it broke me. It is his loss. He is in a rented room with ow. Drinking and living the high life. He is welcome to it. The kids don't want to see him anymore. Although I don't doubt he stopped loving me. He has lost an awful lot more because of his behaviour.

Just take each day as it comes. Get your ducks in a row. Sort money. Bank accounts and paper work. It will pass it won't always be easy. But you just need to keep one foot in front of the other right now.

Ang1979 Wed 23-Jan-19 18:56:36

Thank you. You sound like one very strong lady
I hope to be able to be like you one day but I'm only looking at one day at the moment.. . It's all I can do for now. He's collected everything he owned today so at least that's done and he's supposed to be seeing kids Sunday.. gonna be hard but you have to do what's right by them don't you ? Thank you your words of support are really helpful

eve34 Wed 23-Jan-19 19:34:16

@Ang1979 Thank you there have been a lot of tears. I didn't want this. But I'm making the best of it.

Of course the children should see their dad. But I know how much it knocked out of me. It does get bearable. Just do whatever you need to to get through.

I'm not sure if I would do anything different looking back. I should of kicked his arse to the kerb long before he walked. And gone to cms. That has cost me £££.

Hang in there. And keep talking

SingleDadReally Wed 23-Jan-19 21:05:12

Lucky August-do hang in there and draw on all support you can-it does get better. It’s okay to cry and let things go a bit. My wife left 14 months ago-I was just left a scrubby note on the kitchen table when I came home from work on Friday-she’s in her boss’s flat. My cycling club mates insisted I go out cycling with them as normal the following Wednesday. One of them and his wife invited me for Christmas dinner that year. I’ve also started learning bell ringing so have new friends through that. I’m still up and down a lot and are quite stressed because I also had to start a new job while all this was happening, but I’m definitely in a better state than a year ago. I’m about to start some counselling provided by work.

Biggles398 Sat 26-Jan-19 02:32:15

So pleased that I'm not alone. But all of you saying a year / 14 months later, you're feeling not great, but 'better' I can't seriously feel like this for that long. It's awful, I can't see a way to make things better. I'm so lonely, feel like such a failure and just wish I could turn the clock back. The only good thing so far is that I've got no appetite so may shift some weight.

eve34 Sat 26-Jan-19 06:57:03

@Biggles398 Be kind to yourself. It is a grieving process. And won't pass quickly.

Go as no contact as you can. Only engage about children/money/house.

Seek support from friends/family/gp/counselling. He is no longer part of your support. Discuss medication if you feel it will help you get through this difficult time.

Seek new activities. I started at the community allotment. And volunteered at the night shelter. This helped me put my difficulties into prospective.

Move things around at home. Buy new bedding. And nic naks.

It will slowly fade. I use to cry in the car. Only time I had on my own. It slowly eases then you realise you haven't cried for a few days. A week. Or I was singing in the car.

But this is your journey. It is different for everyone. Heart break is a hurt like nothing else.

Biggles398 Sat 26-Jan-19 12:43:48

Thank you. I know I'm going to be ok, I have no choice, but it just doesn't feel like it right now.
I read a quote earlier that said "on your worst days what you need is faith and strength. Faith that everything will work out and strength to hang on until it does"
I've never cried so much on my own in my life. We're telling my daughter it's officially happening in about an hour and I've somehow got to hold it all together to assure Her it's going to all be ok when I know she's going to be just as devastated.

eve34 Sat 26-Jan-19 17:25:13

@Biggles398 I hope it went ok with your daughter. I remember having to tell our children. I was surprised I was able to keep it together. I knew if I caved they would too. Hope you are all ok.

BStone Sat 26-Jan-19 18:47:13

I am 8 months in. Husband has messed about for months and talked about how confused he is. Treated me terribly but I stuck by and tried to support him. It has dragged it all out and kept the pain pretty fresh.
Little one (14 months) does help but she’s so young I have to interact with him whenever he sees her.
I’ve decided to go no contact unless essential just to hold some dignity and be in control of my side a bit more. Wish me luck.

GoldenFlaps Mon 28-Jan-19 10:01:33

Why is it, when things have been bad for so long, he's been so cruel to me and I've fantasised about being on my own, I'm so broken?

eve34 Mon 28-Jan-19 11:36:47

@GoldenFlaps Cool name by the way. Because it wasn't always bad. I Day dream about the good times. I seem to of forgotten how I use to dread him
Coming home. Trying to guess what mood he might be in. Make sure I did everything to make him happy.

It is a grieving process. Life without ex is going to be very difficult. Time without the children. Him and ow playing happy families together and an unpredictable future which together was secure and financially well planned out.

In time it will hurt less. We will move on and build a new life for ourselves and look back and wonder why we were so upset. It is a reflection on us. And our good heart. Be kind to yourself. X

GoldenFlaps Mon 28-Jan-19 14:40:33

Thank you, eve. He was following 'the script' and now it seems I'm following the one that follows that.

AugustRanger Tue 29-Jan-19 21:10:45

Sorry everyone for not posting sooner. I've name changed but this was my post. I'm so sorry for you lovely people going through the same and thanks so much to everyone for there support. I came off mumsnet and all social media for a bit to try and get my head round it. A few weeks down the line and I'm doing ok. Still lots of horrific days but I was kidding myself for years over our relationship. In the last week I've really seen who I wanted him to be isn't actually who he was. He is a total selfish pig who has bullied me for years. I'm more angry now that I put up with it for so long. Still scared for the future but I'll get there. Thanks everyone xxx

AugustRanger Tue 29-Jan-19 21:21:58

Ang1979- I've been exactly the same as you- I've just hid away from the world and when I've been forced to go out I've put a 'normal face' on and in my head counted the hours until I could go home and cry in private. I didn't tell anyone besides one friend because I wanted him back and really thought he'd have a blow out with his mates and then come home. He hasn't though and shows no remorse for how he's treated me. I do love him but I don't know why really when I think of everything he's put me through over the years. I did go to the doctors with him and he's been referred to the mental health team. I think he has bipolar. Its my kids I worry about. One of them had a birthday at the weekend and another ones birthday is tomorrow. Its not the same without him and they don't understand why their dads not around 😥 x

Jen1519 Wed 30-Jan-19 05:43:35

So many similar stories on here
I decided yesterday that I’d wasted 6 months of my life crying and feeling devastated and that’s long enough. Time to get everything sorted and move on

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