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Marriage separation

(13 Posts)
StartAgainat60 Wed 09-Jan-19 03:24:51

How do I go on after 25 years married. He wants to separate. I need help knowing what life looks like on my own .

OP’s posts: |
Justagirlwholovesaboy Wed 09-Jan-19 03:36:53

Do you have children, family or friends who can help?

StartAgainat60 Wed 09-Jan-19 03:45:10

One adult child living at home. But going travelling at Easter. I am trying to contain the upset. Awful Christmas. Two sisters but they are currently both on holiday!.
Have tried to speak to friends but always feel a burden.
I know in my heart that it is the right thing to discuss ending our marriage but how you get through the upset/extreme emotions.
Have tried Relate.
Relationship has been going wrong for years.....

OP’s posts: |
Justagirlwholovesaboy Wed 09-Jan-19 03:48:02

So sorry, will speaking of what went wrong help, what do you need?

StartAgainat60 Wed 09-Jan-19 03:54:42

He has a lot of issues. Business collapse. Spiralled into depression. I have tried for years to support, but it has affected me.
2 DC left for university three years ago.
We never got our relationship together.
Currently Zero intimacy. Lost communication. Just two people sharing a house.
We are close to putting our family home on the market.
Want to know how I future looks without him?.
Million dollar question.
Thanks for being there

OP’s posts: |
spritesobright Wed 09-Jan-19 11:23:41

Hi OP,
Your post made me sad. Nearly a year ago my husband announced that he was leaving. We have two small children and I loved him dearly and couldn't fathom not being with him. I remember a friend asking at the time if I could think of ANYTHING good about not being with him and I said no, and meant it.
A year on my life is SO much better. I realised that living with a critical, depressed husband (he hadn't always been like that) had really been wearing me down.
I had what now seems like a near death experience and realised how great my life was, with or without him.
Since then I have reconnected with friends I'd lost touch with, gone on hiking challenges and surfing weekends, started dating again, had amazing sexual reawakening, been more inspired at work, spent better quality time with my kids doing things we all enjoy and not having to put up with a grumpy husband who didn't want to be there. I feel so much more confident and capable now that I'm not relying on him to do things I could do perfectly well on my own.

From your post, I can't imagine you not being happier once you separate given that the intimacy and love is gone, especially. It is traumatic and you need time to grieve and cry but then you get to reconnect with yourself and discover how resilient and strong you really are.
I honestly thought I would just curl up in a corner and cry forever if my husband ever left and I did that briefly but then got up and carried on.
You will too!
Things that really helped me were talking to friends (they won't see it as a burden, that's what they're there for), therapy, keeping a journal and lots of me time.
Please believe in yourself and start living the rest of your exciting life!

Daisybarker123 Wed 09-Jan-19 19:14:06

Absolutely great - married for 25 years, now over 60, completely peaceful life now and am amazed how I coped with being stressed and depressed continually by a controlling psychopath. Trick is to look forward not back and see each day as an opportunity to do exactly what makes you happy, safe in the knowledge that it cannot be spoiled. I wish you all the best with your new life.

StartAgainat60 Wed 09-Jan-19 19:56:04

Thanks.
Men are such a different species. So cold when they tell you they can't go on and need space after 26 years together.
Really effected my self esteem. Have had to pick myself up off the floor far to many times and carry on.
Children are great. Young adults now and due to fly the nest.
Its been a process of letting time pass but I am not prepared to waste anymore of my life on this man.
I have already started a new social/leisure/exercise programme. Spending time with new friends who don't know anything about my past. This is the start of my new future.

OP’s posts: |
Daisybarker123 Wed 09-Jan-19 22:00:00

I agree, mine was evil, dragging me to court to fleece me 'legally', but his malicious behaviour meant I wasted no time regretting I was not with him but relief that no more years would be wasted with him.

I decided at the beginning what I enjoyed and what I intended to do with my life and its great to read that you are doing that too - well done you are free.

Rowstock78 Thu 10-Jan-19 07:21:20

I was married 24 years till I caught my husband cheating it collapsed my world. 7 years later life is calmer I look back he did me a favour I’m now happier than ever in a loving relationship my two adult siblings are happy and life does get better once divorce and everything is settled. Focus on yourself join clubs make new friends change the old habits and move forward. Good luck

Rowstock78 Thu 10-Jan-19 07:33:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spritesobright Thu 10-Jan-19 09:50:47

Hi Rowstock you might want to start another thread to answer your question. From what I know, he does have a legal right to be in the jointly shared home but of course his ex might not be very comfortable with him there overnight.
With my ex he comes and does bedtimes twice a week while I'm at a fitness class so then I don't have to see him while he's there. Can your brother and his ex work out a similar arrangement?
That does sound difficult if he has nowhere to spend time with them on the weekends but could they go out and then he drops them off in the evenings?
It really depends how amicable a couple are being and whether they can be in the same space without shouting at each other and upsetting the kids.
Good tips about life post divorce, by the way. I caught my husband cheating as well and it was like my world collapsed. But now I think she is welcome to him and I'm dating again and found a really nice guy who thinks I'm great.

Rowstock78 Thu 10-Jan-19 18:04:23

That's good news well done it's such a hard struggle when any relationship fails for whatever reason more so if it's been a long marriage. It does take time and life does improve

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