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Almost 2 years on and it's hit me like a cannonball- -chat needed

(18 Posts)
Lostlily Fri 04-Jan-19 10:24:51

I left my cheating worthless exh Spring 2017.. IT was undoubtably the best thing I ever did.
I have an amazing new partner and a lovely new home of my own.
However, I recently feel physically and emotionally drained and keep getting tearful. I am off sick with a throat infection and I feel hollow.
I look dreadful and I am SO over sensitive at the moment.
It started a few weeks before Christmas and I broke down at work in front of my boss.
I know I have a lot to look forward to and I don't miss my ex husband at all but my dd went with him and I've become distant from some friends who I did 'family' stuff with and I miss my 'life'
I feel like I'm no longer a mum, I miss my dog and my 'package' if that makes sense.
I just think it's all caught up with me and feel generally crap

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HollowTalk Fri 04-Jan-19 10:26:20

That sounds awful. Do you see your daughter often?

Lostlily Fri 04-Jan-19 10:28:19

I see her one weekend a month. Just had her for a week over xmas.
She has moved away with her dad

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OnlineAlienator Fri 04-Jan-19 10:31:32

I do sympathise. I dont feel like a proper mum now either, i lost my 'package' yes. I mourn that, even though i have control, fun, a house coming in the place i love best and a good new career. still doesnt feel like 'my life'. sad

Lostlily Fri 04-Jan-19 10:39:07

I feel like people just don't see me the same anymore.
I go to my friends and their kids are hanging around and their houses are all full of life and it just reminds me how empty mine is.
Yes I have a lovely peaceful spotless home and a lovely new man..... But I was married for 17 years! I built up a lot in that time and it's all gone.
Work used to be my escape from the crap marriage but now I don't want to go anymore as it feels pointles

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OnlineAlienator Fri 04-Jan-19 10:43:14

Yes i know what you mean, i think people view me with pity these days? Could be my imagination. Im 32 and do have DD but feel very spinsterish! I see a lot of people around me getting married and having babies for the first time at this age and i feel 80 in comparison!

Lostlily Fri 04-Jan-19 10:49:58

I think I have be so focuses on getting him out of my life, selling up, buying my own place, dealing the divorce and my dd decision to leave with him. I through myself into work and never had any time off. Started dating and enjoyed the attention and freedom of my miserable marriage.
It's been a whirlwind....... But suddenly it's all slapped me in the face and I feel very unsettled emotionally and have this desire to run away where nobody knows me

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NotBeingRobbed Fri 04-Jan-19 11:37:20

How old is your DD? Can you share custody?

themuminator Fri 04-Jan-19 13:19:37

Hey there, you have been through such a lot. Give yourself a break. Let yourself grieve. I'm so sorry you had such a shit time.

I wanted to write as I've also had a massive urge to run away, just get in a car and keep on driving. The pull has been intense sometimes. It is so hard when people say, you need to keep going with your job, keep your roots down etc.

But honestly, that is what will help in the end. The roots, the work, the people you know, your new partner, and your daughter. Keep going with her, I don't know how old she is, but she may change her opinions, she still needs you even though you aren't with her as much now.

Have you thought about speaking to a doctor about your feelings? Mine were great when I just needed a cry. Just to let someone else know how things are affecting you. It is great you have asked for help on here too.

I also spoke to the samaritans when I felt at my lowest. They are not just there for extreme cases, they can help anyone. Just a voice on a phone, listening.

Take care, you can get through this.

Lostlily Fri 04-Jan-19 15:48:15

themuminator thank you for your kinds words it means a lot.

My dd is 15 there is no residency or custody award in place. But because they are living so far away and my jobs means I work alot of weekends it's just not possible to see her much more at the moment. Plus she has just started her GCSEs
We're just getting into so many rows and she was having a hard time at school and was always a daddy's girl and when he moved back to his family she went with him. I felt pretty helpless to be honest.

I think my physical ill health is purely emotionally charged. I feel totally run down and I almost resigned just before Christmas. I just felt I wasn't strong enough to do my my demanding job at the moment. thankfully my boss said she would not accept any resignation as I just need to get myself together and I am doing fine at work.

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Itsnotme123 Fri 04-Jan-19 16:42:19

This is what I fear will happen to me too soon when my divorce is finally over.

But you have a good career, hang on to that. You have a nice home and a good man. You are not alone, and you can achieve anything you want. Think of the other changes you’ve had in your life, like when you finished college for example. It’s just another chapter that is over. You have a lot of time ahead of you and your new life will evolve, just like it has done before.

Whatnextfred Fri 04-Jan-19 16:58:43

I'm 2.5 years in and still feel raw grief for the life I had planned

diamondsand Fri 04-Jan-19 17:05:09

Hi, you need to focus on the present. Life is full of surprises, you need to be strong. Past is only a memory, focus on your own strength, we all have. Me too have to change my life completely just now, I don't look too much back, it ends and then there is a new beginning.

Its easy to feel lonely some think about past, find something that you feel passion about, listening to music that you like.

whatamidoingwithmylife Fri 04-Jan-19 17:17:52

I divorced over two years ago and recently have been feeling as if I'm going backwards. We didn't have kids and I bought him out of our house so I'm still really in a similar place to when we divorced.

I think it's the routine I miss and the support. Sometimes I even regret the divorce even though I know it was the right thing. I've told my current partner during disagreements that I sometimes wish I was still married to my ex, but he's so lovely that he doesn't cause a fuss about it. As much of a dick my ex was, I know he loved me deeply and as we were together 16yrs, knew me in a way no one else is likely to get close to anytime soon. What I've found difficult is settling with someone else as I was so set in a routine before and I had trust broken repeatedly by men I met afterwards.
I lost him as my best friend and that hurt far more than losing him as a husband. We did everything together and I don't really have anyone else to talk to. I feel so alone most of the time. I miss all the nice things we did and the amazing holidays we had. He met someone immediately after we split and seems amazingly happy so I kind of feel like I lost out as I've had a string of lying partners since. I've now met someone lovely but he doesn't want a family.

I understand about your work - I feel the same too and some days can barely drag myself in. I hope you can pull through this. Good luck.

Lostlily Fri 04-Jan-19 17:46:58

I think you can make up for alot of things. I think that's loss of role and place amongst my 'group' has really hit me.
My two closest friends are still my two closest friends but they have younger children, and where as we all used to holiday together and take our girls to pop concerts and theatre trips and go around for BBQ's and have family get together soon, I see them now doing it with other people and I am no longer part of it. Even when I am, it only highlights to me that my only child has gone, I can't do the BBQs anymore because I live in an apartment. It's just me now.
I would've loved another child and my new partner has said he would have one but we are too old now I think.
I need a focus, I need a new circle where I won't feel like the one who lost everything 😞

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jessstan2 Fri 04-Jan-19 18:16:34

I wonder how your ex-husband feels now. You say he was cheating, was it once or was he a serial cheat? I've known people who have cheated and really regretted it.

It might help if you have a friendly talk with him. Go up (or down, wherever it is), book into a b&b for a night or so and see him. You say he was your friend, he might still be. It could help you sort your head out. It would also be nice for your daughter to see you together, being civil and friendly - not forgetting the dog.

It's just an idea and I'm not suggesting anything else. You say you have a nice chap anyway but he must be fairly new on the scene and your ex is an old friend. Who better to talk to than an old friend?

FVFrog Fri 04-Jan-19 18:42:08

Good to know I’m not alone, 💐to everyone struggling. I think Christmas is the hardest time, there is so much pressure out on to do special family things and if yours has fallen apart it’s just shit! I have been horribly down and weepy and now need to face dealing with finance stuff and it’s all so exhausting. I think you are right about it contributing to low level illness too. I am back to getting through a day at a time again 8 months kind to yourselves.

Lostlily Fri 04-Jan-19 18:42:48

The dog was re-homed. So I won't see him again.
As. For my ex husband. I dot think want to be his friend, I can talk to him via the phone...when I have to..... But I can't look at him. I am afraid he was cheating on me pretty much the entire relationship, which was almost 17 years. I never knew.
I have no regrets about ending the marriage it's the other losses I have experienced as a result.
My new partner is worth a million of my exes. 😍

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