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Caught dh lying to me for the final time give me the strength to leave please

(71 Posts)
Alfiemoon1 Tue 01-Jan-19 20:43:58

It’s a long and pathetic story that has gone on for 3 years regarding what could and should be an innocent friendship between dh and a female friend v. To cut a long story short as it’s been flogged to death on relationships board dh works nights so we only spent 2 nights per week together he struck up a friendship and I got naffed off with him spending it all texting ow call her v giggling at private joke etc so I asked him to tone it down nothing more no issues with him having female friends etc

He didn’t tone it down he just became secretive switched to WhatsApp so it wouldn’t show on the phone bill. Called her the minute he went to work met up with and lied when my work colleague sent me a picture of them together. It’s been lie after lie deleted messages etc. He’s left home 4 times in defence of this new friendship he’s lied to her claiming I’ve said things I haven’t and seems to have enjoyed the attention and shitstorm he has created to him it’s all about digging his heals in as I can’t tell him who he can be friends with

The last time he moved out claiming to be opening his own bank account me and the kids would be left penniless I told him to get on with it found his Id he spent the day wondering round claiming to depressed and came home with his tail between his legs vowing to never contact her again it was more trouble than it was worth

Fast forward to a week ago I go in his wallet to get his store discount card to do my Christmas shopping he swears blind he doesn’t know it’s there he’s not in contact with her fast forward to today he stupidly takes a call in the car when it ends it shows his call log her number is there from Saturday he lied said it wasn’t her number until I suggested we called it. He said she had randomly called him no other contact asked for him to unlock his phone he refused he was itching to get away from me delete it all which is suprising as he usually did only her messages automatically so he flashed the messages a mile away from my face and so quick I couldn’t read them and then pressed delete

I am heartbroken all over again but I will never trust him again someone give me the strength to leave and advise me how to about it I am so hurt once help me find my ager towards him

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BettyBo33 Tue 01-Jan-19 23:39:36

Oh OP. He’s having an EA (at least) and treating you with such disrespect ( I know you know that) I was in the same position as you and it’s taken me 3 years to leave H. You will find the strength when the time is right for you. Trust the process. Take little steps. You may not leave tomorrow or the next day, but when you are done you will be done. You know you deserve better than this but it’s hard to leave someone you’ve loved for so long and who you have children with. Sending hugs x

Alfiemoon1 Wed 02-Jan-19 17:11:05

It is so difficult I don’t even know where to start with a divorce. I don’t want this but I am not being lyed to so there seems no other option he’s told me repeatedly he wouldn’t contact her and always gets caught out that he has. They have no reason to be in contact anymore.

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Alfiemoon1 Wed 02-Jan-19 17:12:30

What do I put as my grounds for unreasonable behaviour

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RandomMess Wed 02-Jan-19 17:18:07

Inappropriate relationship with another for x years

Lying about x y z

A solicitor will advise you thanks

Alfiemoon1 Wed 02-Jan-19 17:53:05

Thanks I was hoping to file myself so save money

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RandomMess Wed 02-Jan-19 17:57:11

Ask on legal board or as a new thread there have been some sound suggestions from those have been through it thanks

RandomMess Wed 02-Jan-19 18:13:55

Bumped a thread in divorce/separation for you.

Alfiemoon1 Wed 02-Jan-19 20:20:49


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inlectorecumbit Wed 02-Jan-19 20:36:41

As you say Alfie you have been posting about your H for many years and nothing has changed.
Please find some self respect and backbone and put this relationship to bed now. He is not worthy of you and you and your DD deserve better.
Start 2019 with a bang and get rid.

lovealab Wed 02-Jan-19 21:17:21

I used an online divorce company which did cost money, but they were great at formulating a petition based on unreasonable behaviour from the info I discussed with them via phonecall, it also ensured that the petition was filled out correctly and the wording for my reasons was more than I’d have been able to manage on my own

Alfiemoon1 Wed 02-Jan-19 22:55:07

I have downloaded the government divorce papers and started filling them out. I have opened a single bank account to have my wages paid in to and looked up how much maintenance he will have to pay me I don’t want any of this but I refuse to be lied to and he’s been given so many chances already

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AnyFucker Wed 02-Jan-19 23:02:02

Again, Alfie ?

How many fimal straws is it this time ?

lovealab Thu 03-Jan-19 07:44:32

I had several “final straws”....... it takes courage to walk away and face the unknown...... don’t be harsh....

Nicknamesalltaken Thu 03-Jan-19 07:56:32 and make sure you are claiming anything you need (council tax benefit etc).

I think it’s worth taking some time to find a solicitor. Even if you don’t end up using one, ask about for a recommendation and maybe meet with a couple for the free initial meeting.

Start getting your paperwork in order: pensions if you both have them are important.

Even if it doesn’t happen now, you’ll be better placed when the time comes.

Took me a while to get to a point where I was strong and brave enough. But when I eventually did, it was easy.

Good luck.

HollowTalk Thu 03-Jan-19 07:59:38

If you own a house together and/or have savings, OP, then it would be worth your while going through a solicitor.

Alfiemoon1 Thu 03-Jan-19 20:52:10

Yes i realise I have been stupid I genuinely thought after last time he came crawling back about 9 months ago promising me he had deleted and blocked her number and had no way of contacting her and said it wasn’t worth the hassle he meant it this time. I’ve had no reason to suspect him we have been getting on great until I found her number in his wallet just before Christmas he denied knowing it was there then Saturday he takes a call in the car so it showed his call log and there’s her number it’s so feckin ridiculous in all this time nothing has happened between them she’s still with her boyfriend and if he had just toned it down originally and been upfront I wouldn’t have had an issue with it.

He even offered after I saw the call to be honest with me about her in future as it’s just a friendship lol. Which it probably is and certainly is to her That was of course after he deleted his chat in front of me but for me it’s to late he’s told me his last lie

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Knockerefc Sat 05-Jan-19 22:26:00

I'm in exactly the same boat as you. I left my home in September. My wife has had the same type of secretive relationship with a work colleague for 5 years.
Basically I found out about an affair in August 2014 and by July this year I was still coming across the secret texts and meetings and denials.
I've left and I'm now renting. I haven't even thought about divorce yet. If we wait two years I don't think it makes any difference.
Keep me posted on any advice you get please as I'm really really struggling and any help right now would be much appreciated.
Thanks and good luck

Alfiemoon1 Sat 05-Jan-19 23:54:34

Sorry you are going through something similar I have no advice for you except look after yourself and just get through each day.for me I go back to day one with every lie that unfolds I don’t want any of this and it’s ridiculous they haven’t even got it together after nearly 4 years but it’s the lies he’s telling over nothing that kills me every time I haven’t been snooping I thought we were moving on then she appears and the lies start to unfold again

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Knockerefc Sun 06-Jan-19 11:45:51

I would find another lie. A text or photographs and get the promise it would not happen again and I was the most important thing in her life but you always find something and there is always another lie and more hurt.

Alfiemoon1 Sun 06-Jan-19 16:15:58

Yes it’s horrible is your dw having a physical or emotional affair?

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Knockerefc Sun 06-Jan-19 18:18:05

It was physical in 2014 but she claims now it has just been emotional for many a year since then. So many lies though I'll never no the truth.
Every time I found another text or photograph there was another excuse. I've even got a photograph of myself from 2016 where she gave me a black eye when I found more texts between them both. To have to admit you let a woman beat you up as well though just adds to the pain.
Have you had the courage to leave yet? To admit my marriage was over took me 4 years so I no it must be tough for you right now. To be honest I don't no how you feel but I don't think I could ever get that trust back in her but it took me all that time to admit because you still love the person and think there atrractive.
Have you approached the other woman's husband? That is something I've not decided about yet

Alfiemoon1 Sun 06-Jan-19 19:51:30

I am just starting to get the divorce papers sorted I will be expecting him to move out although he will probably refuse. This is an emotional affair the ow is fully aware of me but probably isn’t aware he lies about his communication with her they both see it as completely innocent but I am just fed up with being lied to

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Itsnotme123 Sun 06-Jan-19 22:04:36

If you were to leave Alfie, how would you go about it ? Have you got family to go to ?

Alfiemoon1 Sun 06-Jan-19 22:18:22

I am not leaving i look after the kids as he works permanent nights. He threatened me before to leave when he gets caught out lying so this time I will sort it for him. He has threatened to open his own bank to have his wages paid into and bottled it so i have opened my own this time.

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